Hannah goes to Beardapalooza

I have a not so secret love of facial hair. Well, I have a not so secret love of beards. For the most part i think mustaches are stupid, but I love me a good beard. Not that its a requirement or anything, there are plenty of clean shaven men that I find incredibly attractive. But if an already good looking guy can pull off an awesome beard? Yes please. So you can imagine my excitement when I found out that the 2014 World Beard & Moustache Championship was happening in Portland and it was on my day off. Of course I was going to go.

Oh my God, it went above and beyond my wildest dreams. Did you know there are multiple types of beards and mustaches, and they all have names?! The competition was divided into three groups; Moustaches , Partial Beards and Full Beards. Then each of these groups was divided into subcategories. All in all, I think there were like 18 different types of beards and mustaches. Click on the links to learn all about the different types, because I am too lazy to type them out. It was awesome. On top of the actual competition, there were also vendors and there was even a seesaw that looked like a mustache. A free mustache ride, if you will. Basically, it was everything I didn't know was missing in my life, and I now aspire to someday be able to be a judge for the competition. It also gave me the excuse to yell "hit him with your beard!!!" a bunch of times, which doesn't happen very often. I took a ton of pictures (because duh), so enjoy!

This guy won the Garibaldi beard category, and actually ended up winning the grand prize trip to next year's championship in Austria. 

I admired his commitment to the product placement.  

This is an Imperial Partial Beard, in case anyone was wondering. 

Photobooths are always a crowd pleaser, especially when they involve fake facial hair. 

I really liked the guy in the red because his beard looked like a fan. 

SO MANY GOOD BEARDS. 

Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the Gay 

I guess this guy is on Portlandia? 

See that thing that looks like a rope? THAT'S A BEARD. It almost touched the ground. 

Freestylin' their beards 

A really terrible picture of all of the winners to wrap it up. 

Books I think you would like

People ask me for book recommendations a lot, so here's a bunch of them. 

• The Tiger's Wife - Téa Obreht 
• Whenever anyone asks me to recommend a book, this is the first one I say. I'm so bad at describing it, but basically its about a woman who gets to know her grandfather after his death through the stories that he told her as a little girl, the main ones being the Tiger's Wife and the Deathless Man. The acceptance of death is an important theme in this book; Natalia comes to terms with the mysterious circumstances surrounding her grandfather's death, and the people of her country attempt to rebuild after a war. Its a beautiful story, and it'll make you want to call your grandparents. 

• Little Bee - Chris Cleave 
• OK I can't actually tell you what this book is about because it will completely ruin it (it says so on the back of the book), but I can tell you that it is one of the saddest and most beautifully written books that I have ever read. You have to mentally prepare yourself for this one, but its worth it. Funny story about this book: everyone makes fun of me because I always read morbid books, so I picked this one because the cover was bright orange and it had butterflies and bees on it, so I thought it would be happy. That was some false advertising, because I've never cried so hard reading a book in my life. 

• The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini 
• This book gives "Little Bee" a run for its money in both beauty and the ability to make you cry. "The Kite Runner" tells the story of Amir, a young boy from Afghanistan. While the main focus of the story is on Amir and the choices that he makes in his life in regards to his friend Hassan, its set during the fall of Afghanistan's monarchy, the invasion of the Soviet Union, and the rise of the Taliban. Its an intense book, and I was in a funk for about a week after I read it. If you like it, you should also read "A Thousand Splendid Suns". 

• The Dark Tower series - Stephen King 
• This series is pretty cool, because its like one (huge) novel divided into 7 chapters. If you're a fan of Stephen King, you will definitely like this because he manages to bring most of his other works into the story. It is truly an epic tale. For everyone who's like "waaahhhh I don't want to read it because I don't like horror and Stephen King is scary", you'll be fine. None of the books are scary. They're just awesome. 

• Salem's Lot - Stephen King 
• Scariest book that I have ever read, but I couldn't put it down. Its about vampires, and not the sparkly ones. There was one point where it was like 2:00 am and I was almost in tears because I was so terrified, and yet I continued reading it. 

• Geek Love - Katherine Dunn
• When I first got this book, I thought it was going to be about finding love on the internet. Turns out I was wrong, and its actually about a family of carnival freaks. This book is really cool because it shows how the idea of being "normal" is completely relative. In the Binewski family, the weirder (and by weirder I mean the amount of physical deformities that you have) you are, the more you're loved and celebrated. 

• The Devil In The White City - Erik Larson 
• Erik Larson's books are rad. He takes a really important moment in human history (in this one its the construction of the Chicago World's Fair) and then ties it in with a crime that is related to it (serial killer H.H. Holmes). If you have any interest in Chicago, architecture or serial killers, you will really like this book. 

• In The Garden of Beasts - Erik Larson 
• Hi, I really like Erik Larson. This one is about the American Ambassador to Germany and his family who were living in Berlin during the beginning of Hitler's rise to power. It is so so so interesting. 

• The Snowman - Jo Nesbo 
• If you like anything having to do with serial killers, you'll like this book. Its about a cop hunting down a serial killer in Norway, and its soooooo so so creepy. Like the give you goosebumps and make you sort of uncomfortable kind of creepy.

• The Thousand Autumns of Jacob De Zoet - David Mitchell 
• I won't lie to you, this one takes a little bit to get into. Mitchell is very into detail, and is pretty much a walking thesaurus. I've read the beginning a bunch of times, but I haven't always made it to the end. The story takes place in Japan during the 1700's, and its an interesting look at how one decision can affect the entire course of your life. 

• A Brief History of Me - Stephen Hawking
• I just finished this book last week, and its awesome. Its very short (126 pages) and to the point, and its actually a lot funnier than I thought it was going to be. I liked it a lot because Hawking doesn't focus on his ALS. He's very matter of fact about it, like "yeah this happened and its a bummer, but here's the parts of my life that are way more important to me". If you're interested in Hawking at all or just want to prepare yourself for the movie that's coming out about him in November, you should read this. 

• Please Kill Me - Legs McNeil & Gillian McCain 
• This is an oral history of punk rock, so its all interviews and essays from people who experienced the whole crazy thing. It goes from Velvet Revolver to the Ramones, and even if you're not really interested in punk, its just a really interesting book. I don't know how most of the people lived long enough to add anything to the book. Shit was crazy back in the day. "Oh yeah we used to do a bunch of coke, then drink a fifth of whiskey and go out and party until 5 in the morning". That's fine. 

• A Girl Named Zippy - Haven Kimmel 
• Probably one of the funniest books that I have ever read. I recommend reading it in public places, because its always fun to have people give you weird looks because you're sitting by yourself laughing your ass off. Its a collection of short stories from a lady who had a truly weird childhood, and its hilarious. If you enjoy it, you should also read "She Got Up Off the Couch", which is the sequel.

There are about 7,000 more books that I would like to add to this list, but I'm tired. 

Help me, I'm poor.

When I was a little kid, I was awesome at saving money. I had a beautifully hand painted piggy bank, and every single dollar and cent I got went straight into Judy Pig (Judy was the lady who painted it). I almost never spent it, and when I did, my tastes were pretty cheap. Archie comics and the sticky hands from the quarter machines at Albertson's were my jam, and the only thing I remember ever really wanting was a membership to the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen Fan Club. This was denied by my mother. As I got older, I was still pretty solid. I think the only big purchases I made from 6th grade to the beginning of my freshman year of college were a video camera and an iPod Touch, and I worked my ass off to save up for both of them. Still have the iPod, haven't seen the video camera in years.

Fast forward to the last couple of years, and I have made a complete 180. I suck at saving money. I don't know what happened, but I somehow regressed to having the fiscal sense of a spoiled 16 year old. One working theory I have is the fact that back in Flag I never had to pay for food. My grandma (God bless her sweet soul) wanted to contribute to my higher education, so she paid for a meal plan every semester that I was in school. I'd say about 75% of my meals were eaten on campus, and if I ever wanted some variety, I would just go to my mom/grandma/aunt's houses and grub. The only stuff I really had to buy at the grocery store was alcohol and breakfast food. I also developed a wicked Starbucks addiction in school, thanks to the conveniently located Starbucks on campus that accepted dining dollars. Then I graduated and moved to Hawaii and was like "HOW DO PEOPLE EVEN FEED THEMSELVES!?!?!?!?!" I still haven't really figured this out and haven't really embraced the joys of cooking, so I eat out a lot more than I should.

You know the most frustrating thing? I have nothing to show for my financial stupidity. I sort of wish I had a shopping addiction or something, so I could at least be like "yoooo yeah I'm broke, but look at all of the super cute clothes I have and all of the awesome electronic gadgets I own!!!!!!!!!" Too bad all I do is go to Starbucks way too much and eat food that I didn't cook. I also sort of feel like I'm the only person who's absolute shit with money. I see so many people on Facebook (goddamn Facebook) who are like "oh my ticket to insert awesome/exotic location here has been booked! Adventure time here I come!!" And I'm over here crying into my overpriced sugar in a cup like "howwwwwwwwww?!?!?!" Ugh. Its so frustrating, and so stupid, because I have nobody to blame. My poor parents have tried so hard to teach me their ways. My mom is the most financially responsible person I've ever met, and my dad's life motto is "live cheap, be free". Tiny Hannah was all about that life, but adult Hannah is like "pfffttttt".

Anybody have any tips on how to be more responsible with money? Team Hannah is struggling. Maybe I need to get another Judy Pig.

Oh Captain, my Captain.

"Please, don't worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day.... make a wish and think of me. Make your life spectacular." 

-Jack (1996)

Its been almost a week since Robin Williams committed suicide, and I am still having a really hard time figuring out exactly how I feel. I know that I'm sad, but its more than that. Its not the normal "oh, what a heartbreaking loss of talent and life" that I feel when a celebrity dies. As silly as it sounds, I feel like I lost someone who was a true constant in my life; a crazy uncle that I would only see on holidays and other special occasions. When I heard the news it felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I spent my childhood watching his movies. Aladdin, Hook, Jumanji, Mrs. Doubtfire, Ferngully....... Robin Williams was more than just an incredible actor and hilarious comedian, he was family.

My dad and I have always had a tricky relationship, but one thing that we have always had in common is our love of Robin Williams, especially the movie Hook. We used to watch it all the time, and my dad would always act out his favorite scene. Its the one where Peter is about to leave Neverland with his kids, but Hook calls him back. I can picture it perfectly, my dad would get so into it with his terrible Dustin Hoffman impression, face all scrunched up and his arm held out with his finger bent to look like a hook. "Peter. I swear to you wherever you go, wherever you are, I vow there will always be daggers buried in notes signed James Hook. They will be flung into doors of your children's children's children, do you hear me?"Then his face would completely change, and he would be Robin Williams. "What do you want, old man?" And then back to Hoffman. "Just you". 

This would happen every single time we watched the movie, and he'll still do it if anybody brings it up. Because of this and the movie Flubber (his character in that, the whacky professor who gets so involved in his work that he can forget the rest of his life, is 100% my father) Robin Williams and my dad are completely interchangeable in my mind.

As I got older, his characters changed with me. He made me cry in Jack, Death to Smoochy showed me that Robin Williams' humor could be dark; he was more than just the funny man from Mrs. Doubtfire. When I saw One Hour Photo I was completely blown away, because I never thought that I could be scared of Robin Williams. But it was Dead Poets Society that truly changed how I saw him. The first time I saw that movie, I was in fifth grade flying back from Switzerland with my dad. It really didn't have much of an impact on me then, but I do remember my dad saying that John Keating was the teacher he always tried to be. I watched it again when I was in high school, and I couldn't believe it. I still get chills when I think of his character. In college I watched What Dreams May Come and Good Will Hunting for the first time (yeah, I know) and it just confirmed what I had known for my entire life: the talent and absolute zest for life that Robin Williams had is something that can never be replaced. He was one of a kind.

To the man who gave my dad and I something to bond over and brought so much laughter and light to my life, I truly hope that you have found peace. You deserve it.

???

Man, I do not understand relationships at all. Actually, I guess its really the process of getting into a relationship that I don't really understand. And this post just proves it, because it is a hot damn mess. It was originally a lot worse, but I attempted to organize it. Fasten your seat belts.

1. How people get in relationships in the first place. 

http://www.ideachampions.com/weblogs/Confused.jpg

I think its because I haven't had a boyfriend since high school, but I am still really confused as to how people actually meet each other and get into relationships. Maybe I'm just never in the right place at the right time, but the only people who seem to ever be around me are not exactly boyfriend material. One only has to go on my Facebook page to see stories of all the goddamn creepers who want to play friendship with me. I never sit next to the hottie on the airplane, and the only hot people who were in any of my classes at school were usually douchey frat boys. Or I get the charmers who tell me that I would be so much prettier if I smiled more (it is not my fault that I have resting bitch face). Then there are the people who are like "oh yeah I met my significant other at work". Well take it from someone who knows, that shit can get real awkward real quick. Also online dating really sketches me out. I meet enough weirdos in my daily life, I can only imagine what would happen if I was trying to meet people on the world wide web. My prom date is in jail for murder, guaranteed I'd end up meeting up with some sort of crazy person. So how do you go about meeting people?!

2. People who are constantly in relationships
Do these people just have people on standby for when their current relationships don't work out? "Hey good looking person, I too am good looking. I'm with this person right now, but if it goes kaput, Imma hit you up. Then we can be a good looking couple". Then the other person is just like "word. Just let me know, I'll totally date you". Is that how it works?! There are people who are seriously never single, and I just don't get it. I can't even figure out how to get a casual boyfriend, and I have so many friends who are like "oh yeah, I've had like three serious relationships in my life". WHAT. HOW DO YOU EVEN MEET THAT MANY PEOPLE THAT YOU HAVE A CONNECTION WITH?!!? Of course, maybe it would help if I actually talked to people instead of being like "oh that guy is super good looking and I haven't brushed my hair in 3 days. Anybody want to go and get some nachos?". I'm also a little bit worried about these people, because I think you should be single for a second. You have to learn to be happy as a single person, not as half of a couple. If anybody needs advice in this area, I've got your back.

3. The unwritten rules of the game
You know that saying "don't hate the player, hate the game"? I don't even understand how a person actually becomes a player in the fucking game. How do people know this stuff?! Like how long you're supposed to wait to talk to someone again after you hang out with them, whether it looks more desperate to call versus text, whether or not you should kiss them goodnight, this shit is exhausting. And there are people who just seem to be so good at it. Also this whole deal about how you're supposed to seem like you don't care. I never get it right. Usually I'm a little too pro status, and then I have to be like "oh no wait, I really do care, I promise!!". Having to act like you're not excited when you're texting is hard too. You know what I'm talking about, you say something like "yeah we should definitely hang out again" when really you just want to be like "HANG OUT WITH ME SO I CAN MAKE OUT WITH YOUR FACE". Then there's all of the articles in Cosmo that are trying to explain the best ways to make a dude want to date you and its all just so confusing. It really doesn't help that when I encounter a good looking person of the opposite sex, my brain decides that the best plan for success is to resort back to 13 year old Hannah. I'm so awkward its painful.

5. Sexting
I'm pretty good at writing, but I am the worst at sexting. Mostly because I think its super awkward and I don't quite see the point of it. I never know what to say, and then I just feel so stupid. Plus I think that sending naked pictures to someone is the dumbest thing in the entire world. I don't know who is going to see them besides that other person. Yeah you can try to keep them a secret, I've had so many people be like "OMG LOOK AT THIS PICTURE ________ JUST SENT ME!" And Snapchat is no different. Those pictures have to get stored somewhere, right? I don't want some rando looking at my boobs. Seriously guys, just stop sending naked pictures to people. Sorry, I got a little distracted for a second. But for real, when did sexting become a thing? I do have to say, 10 points to whomever coined the term "sexting". Absolute genius on their part. My apologies to the last poor soul who attempted to sext me, because I had to be like "yo I don't have time for your scandalous shit, I'm trying to fill out a coaches test that I forgot about".

UGH. Its just going to be me and my beta fish fo life.

Hannah gets a fish.

"Everybody that I know is getting married, and I'm thinking about getting a fish." 

I said these exact words yesterday while talking to one of my supervisors and a couple of my coworkers about the fact that we're at the age where a lot of people are getting married, and Facebook tends to be flooded with pictures of engagement rings and babies. Sometimes both, depending on the person. 

Normally I'm pretty content with not having my shit together. Its nothing new for me, I've never been a planner. But every once in a while, I really sit down and evaluate my life, and then I sort of panic. This week has been one of those times. Facebook (really, at this point you'd think I would just delete it so I could feel better about my life, but then who would I share my funny stories with???) has just been bursting at the seams with people making announcements of career and life achievements, and for some reason I freaked out. Luckily I was not alone in this, because my roommate was feeling the exact same way, so we had some fun roomie bonding of "hey let's sit on your bed and talk about how we're not doing anything with our lives". It was super fun, I'm sure you're all really jealous. The funniest part of the whole thing is that for the first time since college, both of my parents are actually really amped with my life choices. They think that Portland is just the greatest place in the whole wide world, and could not be more proud of their sweet Hannah. Seriously, my mom pretty much wrote that last bit in her birthday card. This freaks me out a lot. Are they actually proud of me, or have they just given up on all of their career aspirations for me and are just excited that I'm able to pay rent and keep myself fed??? My mom recently had to bail me out a little when I had to get two new debit cards in two weeks (soooooooo stupid), so I have not been feeling very adult like. 

Today was different. I woke up this morning and was like "I am a goddamn adult. I eat oatmeal for breakfast, I pay bills on time, I can totally be responsible for another life. Today I am going to buy a fish". Now for some people this might not be that big of a deal, but it is for me. When I was 19, I got a surge of domestic responsibility, and I went and bought a frog. I named him Reptar, and we lived happily for about a month, until he suddenly died and left me with a broken heart and a terrarium full of crickets. This was really upsetting. Then we had a string of ugly fish deaths in the Vieja (one got electrocuted, three were sort of forgotten about) and I was pretty nervous to be responsible for the life of something other than myself. But today I did it. I finally took the plunge and bought myself a pet fish. I got the fish, I got the bowl, I got the drops to make sure the chlorine in the water won't kill him, I even got him a ninja turtle figurine to make his fishbowl look extra badass. 

.......Then I got home and realized that I had forgotten to buy any fish food. 

Leonardo in all of his glory. 

A letter to my debit card

Dear debit card,

I'm sorry that you had to die an incredibly tragic death after only a week due to my stupidity and selective listening. I truly thought that we were destined for a long and happy life together, full of trips to Starbucks and other adventures of the financially inept. You were just a little nugget trying to do your best, and I let you be eaten by an ATM. I hope you know how badly my heart hurt when I heard the words "automatically destroyed". Ugh, simply writing the words brings a stab of pain. Our time together was brief, but it was true. Fourth of July was fun, and you purchased my groceries at New Seasons yesterday like the goddamn champion that you were.

Rest assured that you will not be forgotten, because "that one time that Hannah had to get two new debit cards in two weeks" will certainly go down in history as one of the dumbest things that I have ever done. I hope the universe chooses to avenge your death and the death of the card before you by making the guy in Turkey slam his shin into every coffee table he passes, not notice he is out of toilet paper until after he poops, and always be stuck next to the smelliest person on public transportation.

Goodbye, sweet friend.

Love,
Hannah