Hannah and Paulina fight a spider

I hate when any sort of bugs are indoors. I feel like it violates the basic understanding that I have with nature; I won't litter and it keeps the creepy-crawlies outside. The absolute worst for me are cockroaches and spiders (speaking of cockroaches, remind me to tell you the story of the night I learned that the huge roaches can fly). If I see them inside, my automatic instinct is to bail. I'm like "ok bye. Enjoy my house and all of my belongings, I was too materialistic anyway". Portland has not been kind to me when it comes to spiders, because I swear to God if something in this city is outside and stays still for more than 20 minutes, there will be a spider web on it. So the other night when there was a big spider in our house, it was a hot mess. Luckily,  Paulina and I successfully defended our kingdom, and here is the story because she told me that I should write a blog post about it. 

The other night around 12:30 am, I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and Paulina was going downstairs when I heard her say something along the lines of "OH NO THERE IS A LARGE SPIDER ON THE CEILING". I went to go investigate, and immediately regretted my decision when I saw a giant spider on the weird overhang over the stairs. This thing was massive and looked like it was more than capable of eating off my face. Unfortunately for us, the spider was in a really awkward place that neither of us could reach. Neither of us wanted anything to do with it, but we realized that we had to take care of it right then because what if we woke up the next day and it wasn't there anymore?!? Not an option. 

After standing there for a few minutes (her downstairs, me on the stairs) going "ewwww what are we going to dooooooo???", I had the brilliant idea of using a swiffer to squish it against the ceiling, but sadly swiffers are designed so that the flat part can't stay facing up, so that was the end of that plan. Then Paulina, being the goddamn genius that she is, suggested that we spray it with some sort of bleach product and then smash it when it fell to the floor. Brilliant. So she went and got all of the spray bottles from underneath the kitchen sink, and I stood on the stairs with the swiffer ready to make the spider regret all of the decisions it had made that led it to this point. We were more prepared than Arnold was to fight the Predator. 

Paulina sprayed some raid on it, which of course pissed off the spider. So it lowered itself down on its web (OH. Can we talk about the web for a minute?! It having something to lower itself down on means that it had been in our house long enough to try to set up shop. RUDE.) and landed on the ground. After a lot of screaming from both of us, I remembered that I was in charge of step 2 in Operation Spider Death, so I slammed the swiffer down as hard as I could. Then I was scared to move it, because nothing is worse than stepping on a spider and then raising your foot only to have the stupid thing run away while you're standing there going "Lord why have you forsaken me?!". I wanted to make sure that the spider wasn't going to make it, so I took a flying leap off the stairs onto the swiffer while Paulina stood with a spray bottle in each hand ready to spray the crap out of it if it tried anything tricky. 

Spider-slayer Spice.  

Weapons of choice. 

After I jumped up and down on the stupid thing about 20 times, I risked moving. The spider was no mas, and then Paulina sprayed it a whole bunch just to make sure. Seriously, there is so much girl power in our house Paulina and I could be Spice Girls.