I can't think of a title

Just like Liam Neeson, I have a very particular set of skills. Unlike Liam Neeson, my skill set renders me absolutely useless in the event of a kidnapping. I'm not even kidding. One time when I was in Prague, my friend really did almost get kidnapped and I completely missed the entire thing because I was so focused on the food that I was eating. Obviously, the safety and well-being of my friends is not a high priority in my life when I am eating the heavenly goodness that is Prague street food (Sorry Caitlin). So if they can't be used for saving someone from being snatched up and sold into sex trade, what can my skills be used for?

I HAVE NO IDEA. 

If I had to describe my dream job, it would somehow combine talking about politics, making people laugh, encouraging overweight people to workout (without actually having to workout myself), and hanging out with celebrities. These are all things I'm good at. Well, maybe not the celebrity bit. The handful of times I've seen famous people I've either not recognized them (sorry 2 Chainz), or made them really uncomfortable with how much I fan-girled out (cough Alan Ritchson cough), and then there was that one time in Hawaii where I saw Frankie Munez and kept calling him "Malcolm". I don't even think a job that combines all of those things exists. Well, maybe talk show host, but how do you even get into that? Can someone get me Ellen's phone number? How do I get her to read my blog? Save a bunch of orphans orphans from a house fire and then casually mention it when she invites me onto her show to applaud my heroics? I feel like she would like me a lot more than Oprah. I don't think Oprah would be impressed with a lot of my life choices. Plus, she's already got her hands full with Lindsay Lohan.

I'll be honest………I forgot where I was going with this.

Hannah the Hot Mess Express

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April of my senior year of college, I decided that I was going to move to Hawaii after graduation. September 1st was the agreed upon moving date, which gave me four months to prepare. I did absolutely nothing, so in the month leading up to my move, I became a hot mess. I could barely sleep, and I could only talk about Hawaii for 10 minutes with someone before I would have to run away and throw up. It was the same conversation, over and over. 

"So, do you have a job?"

"No." 

"Do you know where you're going to live?"

"No." 

"Do you know anyone who lives out there?"

"No." 

Then I would be like "excuse me, I have to go to the restroom. I'll be right back", run off and puke, then come back and be able to discuss it like a normal human being who used full sentences.

Now I'm getting ready to move to Portland, and the hot mess express is starting to get revved up. It hasn't gotten to the point of vomiting on the daily, but its getting pretty close. The not being able to sleep is definitely kicking in. People at work keep telling me that I look tired, and I keep blaming it on the fact that I watched Silence of the Lambs the other night. Psh, I wish Hannibal the Cannibal and Buffalo Bill were the only reasons for my lack of sleep. The only answer that has changed from the conversation about Hawaii is that this time I actually know people who live in Portland. I don't have any friends here to go and get a drink with while I express my fears, so I'm going to put them in the blog instead. Hooray! 

I'm scared I'm going to get hurt again. My track record shows that my body doesn't handle life changes very well. I get my first real job, I break every bone in my foot. I move away from Flagstaff for the first time and I blow out my knee. I also have a theory that it has some sort of connection to working in retail, because I broke my foot at work and broke my knee on the way to work. So clearly making life changes and working retail are just not how I like to live my life. I joke about it a lot ("why can't I just break my left arm!? I don't even use it! I'd be OK with a broken arm!!!"), but I am really, really scared that something bad is going to happen again. So maybe I should just decide right now that I'm not going to be getting a job in the world of Portland retail. 

I am scared I'm going to fail again. When Hawaii was just an idea, my parents were like "YEAH! GO FOR IT! ADVENTURE! EXCITING!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!" When I actually bought the non-refundable one-way ticket, they were like "AAAAAAAHHHHHHH HANNAH THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA WHAT ARE YOU THINKING OMG AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" But I was like "Whatever parents. I am going to be awesome, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW". Then the universe was like "WHOMP WHOMP". Yes I had fun in Hawaii, and yes I made some great friends and memories that I will have with me for the rest of my life, but nobody can call that adventure a success. This time though, both of my parents are stoked. Like really, really excited about this next chapter of my life. My mom told me out of her own free will that she is really proud of me and thinks that I'm going to be really successful in Portland. My dad agrees wholeheartedly, and this is STRESSING ME OUT. At least when I moved to Hawaii, everyone (except for me, LOL) had such low expectations that nobody was really surprised by the outcome. This time, everyone (my parents) thinks I'm going to do amazing, and what if I don't??!? WHAT IF IT TURNS INTO HAWAII PART TWO?!?!? Ugh. That would be so terrible, I would probably just have to move to South Dakota forever and never talk to anybody ever again. 

So yeah. I guess we'll see how this works out. Stay tuned! 

Hannah's a complete nut job, its not a big deal

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For those of you who don't know, right now I'm house sitting for my grandparents while they are in Australia for the month. Their house is one town over from where my dad lives, and its about a 20 minute drive. Tonight I went to my dad's for dinner, and the drive back was absolutely terrifying. Nothing happened, but I spent the entire time convinced that someone who escaped from an insane asylum was going to jump out into the road in front of me, I would run them over and then they would somehow magically appear in my back seat and murder my face off. This is stupid. While driving at night in South Dakota I should be worried about hitting a deer, not an escaped crazy person. I blame this fear on all of the horror movies that I've watched, and I started thinking about other weird shit that I'm scared of because of movies. Here's the list, because I know all of you want to know them too.

1. ZOMBIES 
Oh my God, I am so scared of zombies. Its not like I'm sitting here thinking that zombies are real, I know that they're fake. Still doesn't change the fact that they are so damn terrifying. I am a complete wreck when it comes to watching zombie movies. Zombieland was a comedy and I could barely handle it. And 28 Days Later? Forget it, I was basically catatonic. I tried to watch an episode of The Walking Dead and I couldn't do it. When that lady crawls towards him? No thank you.

2. THE DARK 
Along with a lot of children under age 6, I am really scared of the dark. I can sort of handle it when I'm outside, but I have a big problem with driving by myself at night and being inside dark houses. I've always been a little bit creeped out by the dark, but when I was little I watched the movie When A Stranger Calls, and the idea of someone being inside the house without you knowing just scarred me for life. Whenever I have to walk into a dark room my mind automatically assumes that something is going to jump out and scare me. Its embarrassing. The light on my phone is my security blanket, and its a real problem when my phone dies. Once I showed up to a babysitting job two hours early because I was at home by myself and the power went out.

3. THE STATE OF MAINE 
I understand that this is so ridiculous, but Stephen King is the reason that I'm afraid of the state of Maine. The majority of his books take place in Maine, and nothing good ever happens in them. Salem's Lot and Needful Things are two of the scariest books that I have ever read, and they both take place in Maine. So thanks, Stephen King. Because of you, I will never go to the state of Maine ever. And if I do, I will not go anywhere near the woods or any locally owned stores, because I know what happens there.

4. WASHING MY FACE 
There is always that scene in horror movies when a character washes their face, which requires them to close their eyes. They splash their face with water, dry off with the towel, then look in the mirror AND THE KILLER IS RIGHT BEHIND THEM. Depending on the importance level their character has, they are then either murdered or are able to barely escape the knife-wielding crazy person. When I wash my face, there is that split second when I am about to look in the mirror where I'm like "there could be someone behind you. You don't know".

5. TANNING BEDS 
Sweet Jesus, the scene in Final Destination 3 where the girl gets trapped and fried in the tanning bed? NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. Fear of cancer? Not so much. Fear of death somehow trapping me in the bed and turning me into a piece of bacon? 100%. No fake bake for this girl.

6. KEVIN BACON 
Watch the movie Sleepers and you will never look at Kevin Bacon the same way again. That's some scary shit.

7. GARBAGE DISPOSALS 
In the TV show Heroes, there's a scene where Hayden Panettiere tests out her super powers by sticking her hand in the garbage disposal. She takes it out and her hand is all fucked up, and it just looks so terrible. This scene and the fact that I once turned on a disposal while there was a sink in the drain (probably one of the scariest noises ever) has made me really uncomfortable when I have to use them. I'm scared that if I get too close my hand will somehow end up in there, and I don't have the super healing powers of the cheerleader.

8. LITTLE KIDS 
I'm sorry, but thanks to movies like The Omen, The Ring, The Grudge, and basically every horror movie ever made, if you have a small child with dark hair, I'm going to initially be really creeped out by them. The other night I watched a TV show about little kids who have memories of violent deaths in a past life, and it sort of just cemented the idea in my brain that little kids are creepy as fuck and can't be trusted.

9. BIRDS 
This fear isn't actually based on a movie (no, not even The Birds) but I have a completely irrational fear of birds. Something about the way they move their heads when they walk and how they flap their wings right before they fly off just really really scares me. When I first moved to Hawaii I was taking a nap on the beach and a pigeon landed on my stomach. No joke, I almost passed out. I went into the ocean and cried (literally) for like 20 minutes and then went home and scrubbed my stomach so many times I'm surprised it didn't bleed. I also once threatened one of the parrot guys with physical harm when he tried to put his stupid bird on my shoulder.

10. CLOSING MY EYES IN THE SHOWER 
Thanks Psycho, how I'm not blind because of soap is beyond me. When I shower at home by myself, I think that every noise that I hear is Norman Bates coming to stab me. I have sort of curbed this fear by blasting music whenever I shower.

11. SEMI TRUCKS 
The chances of a semi truck driver trying to murder me is basically nonexistent. But for some reason, I can't stop thinking of the movie Joy Ride where Paul Walker (RIP) and his homies mess with the truck driver and he does not appreciate it, so he tries to kill them. Whenever I pass a semi, I expect to hear "candy cane" coming through my radio, even though I don't have a CB radio, so that's virtually impossible. You'd think that I would be scared that I would somehow get in an accident with one, but no. I'm scared a truck driver will try to murder my face off.

Good lord, this post makes me sound like an absolute nut. Clearly I have a problems when it comes to horror movies and shouldn't ever be alone. Also, I'm watching Silence of the Lambs  right now, and its probably the worst idea ever.

Oscarfest 2014: Hannah's thoughts on social media

Hello my friends! Considering the majority of the people who read this are my friends from Facebook, I'm sure all of you were there for when I hosted the Academy Awards via social media Sunday night. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, I got really bored right before the Oscar's started and decided to live-Facebook the entire thing. Two hours, 35 status updates (fo real), one bottle of wine, and countless pissed of FB friends later, I pretty much felt like I had helped Ellen Degeneres host the awards in the comfort of my pajamas. I even posted a picture of Pharrell and his dress shorts on Instagram. I don't understand how Twitter works, otherwise I would have been all over that too. Well, except when Ellen broke Twitter with her selfie. ANYWAY. Oscarfest 2014 made me think about my life on the internet, and I'm going to share them with you because duh.

I have such a love/hate relationship with social media. I love Facebook because it gives me a platform to share all the weird shit that happens in my life, make people laugh, and (most importantly) it allows me to creep on people that I haven't talked to since high school. Seriously, I am the biggest Facebook creep. The FBI should hire me, because I can find anyone on Facebook. Its sort of alarming. I love Instagram because it allows me to share funny pictures and the occasional selfie for when I'm feeling particularly pretty. Actually, that last bit is sort of a lie. I just checked my phone and my last couple selfies are not so cute. But whatever, I like posting pictures of my face. I am also an Instagram creep. If I follow you, happen to notice your name on a post from someone else, or you are a celebrity, chances are I have looked through and judged every one of your posts. Yeah, its a big old love fest between me, Facebook and Instagram. But….

I hate social media. Ugh. It makes me feel so bad about myself! Now I know everyone and their grandma has talked about this. You know the drill, you compare your everyday life to the highlight reel that everyone posts on Facebook and then you hate your life. Well, its sort of true. I know that not everyone has good days all the time, but I'm starting to feel like everyone I know is getting married, in a serious relationship, has their dream job (or at least a successful job that they enjoy), a dog, perfect skin, healthy lifestyles full of really delicious looking food that they cook, exercises a lot, and has a deep appreciation for all things coconut oil. And my Instagram feed is filled with pictures of my friends in Hawaii frolicking around on all the perfect beaches and I sort of just die a little inside every time I look at them. All of these things make me look at my life, and I feel like I'm standing in the corner being like "uhhh……..I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, I moved to Hawaii and blew all my money because I thought I was a baller, I blew out my ACL, I moved to South Dakota in the middle of winter, and I'm about to move to Portland without a solid plan. Oh, and I'm allergic to dogs". Oh, I also have a really intense hatred for the vague "OMG I'M SO SAD BUT I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU WHY SO YOU HAVE TO ASK" status update. But that's not important.

So why do I keep it? Why don't I just log off and delete Facebook and Instagram off of my phone and go on living my life? Well, mostly because I would be bored and I'm really, really nosy. Also clearly I'm sort of an attention whore. Plus, where else could I force all of my opinions about Oscar's down the unwilling public's throat? So I hope everyone is down with hearing about my wierdo life, because this homegirl will be staying online.

Hannah's taking the next flight to Neverland

Y'all, being a grownup is hard. And I am so bad at it. Today was one of those days where it was blatantly obvious just how real the struggle is. So what happened? 

Actually, this whole thing sort of started yesterday when I went to the grocery store with my grandma. When I'm by myself, I always shop for groceries the same way. I go down every single aisle grabbing whatever catches my eye (I'm reallllllllllly bad about going to the grocery store hungry), then end up forgetting to get whatever it was that made me go to the store in the first place. Its sort of my thing. Going with my grandma was different. My grandparents are going out of town and I'm going to be house-sitting, and my grandma wanted to stock up the house so I don't starve to death, which is awesome. Unfortunately, the actual shopping experience was pretty embarrassing, because she was like "so, what kind of things do you want?" and I kind of panicked and was like "uhhhh……………cereal and spaghetti?". She gave me the all too familiar "Hannah how are you still alive?!" look, and then gently suggested different things to get ("well do you think you need some bread? What about other things for lunch?"). Thaaaaaaanks grandma. 

Today the struggle bus just kept on cruising, and I tried to plan out my life on a napkin. Don't believe me? Here's the proof: 

Yeah. That's my attempt to figure out my life on the back of a McDonald's napkin. A friend recently asked me if I wanted to move to Portland, so an attempt to make a budget turned into a pro/con list, which then turned into a mess. As can be seen by the artistically written "WHAT AM I DOING?!", the magical napkin did not end up helping me figure anything out. But at least I get points for trying, right?? Right. I'm giving myself 50 points for this one. 

The next stop on the hot mess express was when I tried to make lunch today. I've had some issues in the past (remember the time I managed to break the microwave plate in Hawaii? Yikes), but for the most part microwaves and I have always been a pretty good team. Today I brought one of those fancy (not ramen) Asian noodle bowls to make, and I was like "yeah! This is going to be tasty! I've made these before!" I don't know what happened this time, but it was a goddamn mess. I don't know if i put too much water in it or microwaved it for too long, but literally all of the water spilled out and flooded the microwave. Yeah! It took like 5 napkins to clean the whole thing up. Then I looked in the bowl to see if there was actually any water left in it, and discovered that not only was there no liquid left, but I had also left one of the little plastic flavor packets inside. Whoops. Then I added the other little packets, looked at the instructions again and learned that I was actually supposed to have put all of the stuff in before I microwaved it. So then I had to put even more water in it and microwave it again. Keep in mind, I HAVE SUCCESSFULLY MADE THIS STUFF BEFORE. But the important part is that it actually ended up tasting really good, even though I'm sort of convinced that I'm going to die of plastic poisoning. 

Ugh. How am I still alive?! 

That one time Hannah got addicted to crack

Before anyone freaks out and calls my mom, don't worry. I'm not actually addicted to crack, or any other drugs. Also, I tried to look up a funny picture of drugs to put in this, but all I found was a bunch of scary pictures of people shooting up, and now I'm uncomfortable. Anyway, if I've never been addicted to any drugs, what's with the title?

I have no friends. And not in that "oh my gosh I actually know a lot of people but we're all busy with our lives so I feel like I have no friends" kind of way. I literally have no friends. Now you may be thinking "Hannah, your dad has lived in South Dakota since you were 13, and you spent every summer there until you were 17. How do you not have a single friend?!" Well…..simple, actually. When I came here I was a very angry teenager who had absolutely no desire to spend any amount of time in Butt hole, South Dakota with her dear old dad, so I was not very pleasant to be around. I did have some friends (exactly two of them) but as soon as I stopped spending all summer here, we fell out of contact. Whomp whomp.

Uhh…..cool story bro, but that still doesn't explain how you didn't get addicted to crack. One consequence of having no friends is boredom. Intense boredom. Netflix and books can only be substitutes for a social life for so long before it starts being pathetic, and I still haven't figured out how to make friends when I don't work with anyone my own age (the mechanics work in a different part of the building and I never see them), am not in school, and its so cold that nobody actually wants to be outside. So yesterday I sent a text to a friend that said "I am so fucking bored I am seriously considering developing a drug addiction just to have something to do". She laughed at me, and we both agreed that a drug addiction would be something to blog about. Ha! I also sent it to a couple of other people, because if you think of something that makes you laugh, why only share it with one person?

Obviously I'm not going to get addicted to drugs ("and then Hannah moved to South Dakota and developed a crippling heroin addiction due to mind numbing boredom" is a phrase that I just can't deal with), but this did get me thinking. And  you know what I realized? You can't become addicted to drugs if you have no friends! Think about it, how would you find the drugs in the first place?! I mean, in Hawaii it would have been easy enough. You go to the bars and 15 different people will offer you coke (AGAIN: I DIDN'T DO ANY COCAINE WHILE I WAS LIVING THERE), but South Dakota? I wouldn't even know where to start! You never hear a story where a drug addict is like "uhh…..yeah…..I was just hanging out by myself one time and I got bored and started to do crack". Nope. Its always "yeah me and my homies were hanging out and one of them pulled out a little baggie and I was like 'ok sure let's do some meth'". Does meth even come in a bag? I don't even know. All of my knowledge of meth comes from Breaking Bad.

So yeah. I'm so bored I contemplated an imaginary drug addiction, then realized that I can't become a junkie because I don't have any friends. Is it weird that I find that sort of depressing?

The what if game

In my entire life, I have never failed so spectacularly as I did in Hawaii. On that little island I failed in fiscal responsibility, I failed in love, and I have a couple of scars on my knee that show I certainly failed in my attempts to peacefully coexist with gravity. On top of all this failure I was also very, very happy. This may have been due in large part to the insane amount of vitamin D my skin was absorbing on the daily, but whatever. Happiness is happiness, and I miss it a lot.

I do this thing where I look at the pictures that I have of Hawaii a lot, and it is super unhealthy. I see the beaches, the bikinis, the rainbows, and the smiles, and I get this dull pain in my stomach which has convinced me that my soul is located slightly to the right of my belly button. Oahu didn't just steal a piece of my heart, that stupid island captured a piece of my soul. Another reason that looking at these pictures is super unhealthy is because they suck me into the absolute worst game in the history of ever……THE WHAT IF GAME.

• What if I had been more responsible with my money? 
• What if things had worked out with him? 
• What if we hadn't moved to that apartment in Makiki? 
• What if I hadn't crashed? 
• What if I hadn't moved to Hawaii in the first place? 
• What if…….what if…….what if…….???

Seriously, yo. Shit'll drive you crazy.