Hannah the Hot Mess Express

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April of my senior year of college, I decided that I was going to move to Hawaii after graduation. September 1st was the agreed upon moving date, which gave me four months to prepare. I did absolutely nothing, so in the month leading up to my move, I became a hot mess. I could barely sleep, and I could only talk about Hawaii for 10 minutes with someone before I would have to run away and throw up. It was the same conversation, over and over. 

"So, do you have a job?"

"No." 

"Do you know where you're going to live?"

"No." 

"Do you know anyone who lives out there?"

"No." 

Then I would be like "excuse me, I have to go to the restroom. I'll be right back", run off and puke, then come back and be able to discuss it like a normal human being who used full sentences.

Now I'm getting ready to move to Portland, and the hot mess express is starting to get revved up. It hasn't gotten to the point of vomiting on the daily, but its getting pretty close. The not being able to sleep is definitely kicking in. People at work keep telling me that I look tired, and I keep blaming it on the fact that I watched Silence of the Lambs the other night. Psh, I wish Hannibal the Cannibal and Buffalo Bill were the only reasons for my lack of sleep. The only answer that has changed from the conversation about Hawaii is that this time I actually know people who live in Portland. I don't have any friends here to go and get a drink with while I express my fears, so I'm going to put them in the blog instead. Hooray! 

I'm scared I'm going to get hurt again. My track record shows that my body doesn't handle life changes very well. I get my first real job, I break every bone in my foot. I move away from Flagstaff for the first time and I blow out my knee. I also have a theory that it has some sort of connection to working in retail, because I broke my foot at work and broke my knee on the way to work. So clearly making life changes and working retail are just not how I like to live my life. I joke about it a lot ("why can't I just break my left arm!? I don't even use it! I'd be OK with a broken arm!!!"), but I am really, really scared that something bad is going to happen again. So maybe I should just decide right now that I'm not going to be getting a job in the world of Portland retail. 

I am scared I'm going to fail again. When Hawaii was just an idea, my parents were like "YEAH! GO FOR IT! ADVENTURE! EXCITING!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!" When I actually bought the non-refundable one-way ticket, they were like "AAAAAAAHHHHHHH HANNAH THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA WHAT ARE YOU THINKING OMG AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" But I was like "Whatever parents. I am going to be awesome, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW". Then the universe was like "WHOMP WHOMP". Yes I had fun in Hawaii, and yes I made some great friends and memories that I will have with me for the rest of my life, but nobody can call that adventure a success. This time though, both of my parents are stoked. Like really, really excited about this next chapter of my life. My mom told me out of her own free will that she is really proud of me and thinks that I'm going to be really successful in Portland. My dad agrees wholeheartedly, and this is STRESSING ME OUT. At least when I moved to Hawaii, everyone (except for me, LOL) had such low expectations that nobody was really surprised by the outcome. This time, everyone (my parents) thinks I'm going to do amazing, and what if I don't??!? WHAT IF IT TURNS INTO HAWAII PART TWO?!?!? Ugh. That would be so terrible, I would probably just have to move to South Dakota forever and never talk to anybody ever again. 

So yeah. I guess we'll see how this works out. Stay tuned!