I am not excited for Portland.

*I am not writing this for sympathy. This is simply a place for me to express my thoughts, and this is what I am thinking about.*

Today I got an interview at an athletic club in Portland, we found out we got the house we wanted, I booked my flight, applied for a couple more jobs, and I am not even a little bit excited. The exact opposite, actually. Really, I'm a lot closer to puking then I was when I had no plans. Shocked? Yeah, I'm a really good liar. My go-to line is "yeah I'm really excited. It's definitely going to be an adventure, and I'm trying to be as responsible as possible". Ha! Lies. Well, except the responsibility part. I really am trying. But when I think about this next chapter of my life, I don't see success. I see absolute failure. I see myself crawling back home for the second time in my life; tail between my legs,  licking my wounds and bracing myself for anothe round of "I told you so".

Actually the scariest part if this whole adventure is that if I fail, there will be no "I told you so". No. This time there will be only crushing disappointment, because this time people are pulling for me. I joked about finding the love of my life in Hawaii, and it would cause my mom to noticeably twitch. Today she mentioned how Mr. Right could be sweating next to me on a treadmill at the athletic club in Portland. My dad said he was proud of me. People see a future for me in Oregon that doesn't involve me being a beach bum with nothing to show but blonde hair and a tan that envokes jealousy and a strong fear of skin cancer.

Failure? Well..............everyone who has ever fought with a parent knows how much it hurts to know that you have truly disappointed someone. Nothing cut deeper than those fights when there was no yelling, only a softly spoken  "I am so disappointed in you".