Oh Flagstaff. Thank you for greeting this happy little hood rat the only way you know how, with a night of friends, Electric Kingdom, face paint, an awkward cab ride, and a slightly sketchy walk in the dark. Full on magic.
For those of you who don't know, Electric Kingdom is held at a bar in town called the Green Room on the first Friday of every month. Its full of drink specials, really loud electronic music and face paint. It also happens to be one of my favorite things in the entire world, and I was way too excited when I figured out I would be in town for it. Before heading down to EK, I met up with one of my very best friends at a party so I could meet her boyfriend. He and I are now BFFs. He's basically the male version of me, and I hope he and Lorraine get married because he is fabulous. Anyway. After the party Lorraine dropped Alex and I off at the Green Room, and then she headed home.
In his desire to impress his lady friend's bestie (me), Alex paid for everything. Cover charge, coat check, drinks, he even tipped the face painters. This detail will be very important later on in this story. After grabbing something to drink, our first stop was the face paint. In all the times I've been to EK, I have never been disappointed with the artists. I always get a dinosaur, and it is always the coolest thing in the entire world. Not so much last night. The chick started painting on my arm, and I was like "as long as the dinosaur has sharp teeth, I'm good". She stops painting and goes "well I was going to do a brontosaurus, but we can add some teeth". Bitch are you kidding me. For starters, a brontosaurus never actually existed. Second, you can't just be adding sharp teeth to everything. So the dinosaur ended up being a hot mess. One person thought it was a fish, another person thought it was a bird…….Lord have mercy it was terrible. I don't care how cool your space dress was, face paint lady, you should be ashamed. There was even a picture of a dinosaur on the hat I was wearing, so she literally had no excuse. Alex decided that he wanted to be Captain America, and his face paint was hilarious. Electric Kingdom also has a photo area, so you best believe a lot of pictures were taken. I also got a picture with one of my other homies, and I am way too excited for those babies to be uploaded to Facebook.
Then we went to the dance floor, and it was a hoot. We are terrible dancers, and Alex's dance lessons involved him telling me to "dance like a basketball player. Dribble, dribble, dribble, SHOOT!!!" There was also a lot of forceful backing up into unsuspecting dancers, which I don't think they appreciated very much, but long hair don't care. Alex then decided that he needed to set me up with someone, and I mentioned that a guy from the party earlier that night was pretty cute. An attempt was made to get him to EK, but the line was very long and it didn't work out. He did say that I was cute though, so that was a bit of an ego boost. Around 1:00 am, I was so full of PBR I was about to explode, and I decided to call it a night.
Its been a hot second since I had to get a cab in Flagstaff, and I forgot how big of a pain in the ass it is. I finally flagged one down, and was a happy camper. I get a little paranoid about cabs because one time I got locked in one in Paris because my friend and I didn't have enough money, so I always check to make sure I have the dollars as soon as I get in. So I'm looking through my clutch and……………..NO DEBIT CARD, NO CASH. Whomp whomp. Yeah, turns out I left it at home, so thank goodness Alex had paid for everything. I had been in the cab for about 2 minutes when I made this discovery, and I was like "uhhhhh………….so it turns out I don't have my debit card. If you want to let me out I can walk" (its not a terrible walk to my mom's, but it's not my favorite, and it was cold outside). Luckily for me, I had the nicest cab driver in the entire world, and he agreed to drop me off at the top of Cherry Hill. It was about a 10 minute walk from where the cab stopped to my mom's, but I made it in 5 because I am scared of the dark so I pretty much ran the entire way.
And that was my first night back home. Flagstaff, I so heart you.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Thursday, April 3, 2014
South Dakota
I fly back to Arizona tomorrow, and because packing is one of the things I hate most in the world, I have decided to take a break and reflect on the three months I have spent in the Mount Rushmore State.
First, I have been sort of unfair to the state of South Dakota. If you have talked to me at all while I've been here, you have probably heard me say something along the lines of "I HATE THIS STATE ITS REALLY COLD AND I'M REALLY COLD AND THERE'S NO BEACH AND I HATE IT AND ITS DUMB AND I HATE IT". For that, I would like to apologize. It was not South Dakota's fault that I was in such a bad mood. When I first got here, I was angrier than I have ever been in my entire life. I was so mad about how Hawaii turned out, and since I didn't have anyone but myself to blame, I took out all of my anger on South Dakota as a whole. I refused to make friends, and was basically the angriest person on the planet. It was not good, and I want everyone to know that South Dakota does have its good points. Summers here are beautiful, and the motorcycle rally certainly something to be seen.
Second, part of me is actually kind of glad that I came here. The time of year was absolute shit, but coming here was one of the best things that could have happened for the relationship that I have with my dad. We've never been very close, and before this I hadn't seen him in over a year. Neither of us are very good at talking on the phone, so it was a year and a half of talking about the classes he was teaching and the weather. I was pretty surprised when he asked me to come out here, but I'm glad that he did. We have gotten a lot closer, and tonight when he gave me the last hug goodbye (my grandma is driving me to the airport) he was like "Hannah, you'll be OK". It sounds weird, but that is a huge step for us. I was also able to get a lot closer to my dad's wife and her parents, and that has been really nice.
I'm bad at ending things and I really need to finish packing, so I'll leave you with this: South Dakota was not the worst thing that could have happened to me. Surprised? Me too.
First, I have been sort of unfair to the state of South Dakota. If you have talked to me at all while I've been here, you have probably heard me say something along the lines of "I HATE THIS STATE ITS REALLY COLD AND I'M REALLY COLD AND THERE'S NO BEACH AND I HATE IT AND ITS DUMB AND I HATE IT". For that, I would like to apologize. It was not South Dakota's fault that I was in such a bad mood. When I first got here, I was angrier than I have ever been in my entire life. I was so mad about how Hawaii turned out, and since I didn't have anyone but myself to blame, I took out all of my anger on South Dakota as a whole. I refused to make friends, and was basically the angriest person on the planet. It was not good, and I want everyone to know that South Dakota does have its good points. Summers here are beautiful, and the motorcycle rally certainly something to be seen.
Second, part of me is actually kind of glad that I came here. The time of year was absolute shit, but coming here was one of the best things that could have happened for the relationship that I have with my dad. We've never been very close, and before this I hadn't seen him in over a year. Neither of us are very good at talking on the phone, so it was a year and a half of talking about the classes he was teaching and the weather. I was pretty surprised when he asked me to come out here, but I'm glad that he did. We have gotten a lot closer, and tonight when he gave me the last hug goodbye (my grandma is driving me to the airport) he was like "Hannah, you'll be OK". It sounds weird, but that is a huge step for us. I was also able to get a lot closer to my dad's wife and her parents, and that has been really nice.
I'm bad at ending things and I really need to finish packing, so I'll leave you with this: South Dakota was not the worst thing that could have happened to me. Surprised? Me too.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Saturday Thoughts Vol. 2
As of right this second, Saturday Thoughts is going to be a thing. So here are some of my thoughts from the past week!
1. DREAMS
I had such a weird dream last night. I don't know the exact context of the first bit, but it involved a video of me posing for a picture with a shark, and in the background of the video a shark almost attacked me but someone's hand blocked it. I remember dream Hannah being like "wow, I can't wait to show this to everyone". In the second part of the dream, I was with the Secret Service helping to protect the President, and at one point we were in this room and this girl started taking pictures and was like "now I have photographic evidence that the President was with Russian prostitutes", so I punched her in the face and stole the camera. Clearly, I have been watching too much "House of Cards". I don't know how to explain the sharks though.
2. FLIGHT 370
WHERE THE HELL IS THIS PLANE?!?! I don't know why, but I am obsessed with finding it. I think its because I just can't wrap my head around the fact that its just gone. I mean, everyone always bitches about how much the governments of different countries are always getting in everyone's business, and yet nobody can find this goddamn aircraft. Until proven otherwise, I'm convinced that we're actually in an episode of The Twilight Zone. Its just so weird to me that if the technology exists to find an iPhone almost anywhere, finding a plane should be cake.
3. FLYING
Speaking of airplanes, I am so not excited for all of the flying that is in my near future. In 6 days I fly back to Arizona, and then 5 days after that I fly to Portland. Missing airplanes aside, I am not a huge fan of flying. I think I might do a post dedicated to the weirdest flights that I've had.
4. MERMAIDS
The other night, I watched (well, sort of. I slept through part of it) a thing on Animal Planet called "Mermaids: The Body Found". The idea behind it is that the sonar testing the Navy is doing in the oceans are disrupting a form of marine life that was previously undiscovered, and some scientists are claiming that they're mermaids. I mean, the thing is clearly a hoax (the point of it was for people to focus on the negative impact of sonar testing on the whale population), but it did get me thinking. I hope that mermaids are real, but I hope that they look like Ariel, and not how they looked in this thing, because they looked like the creature from the Black Lagoon.
5. DOLORES UMBRIDGE
1. DREAMS
I had such a weird dream last night. I don't know the exact context of the first bit, but it involved a video of me posing for a picture with a shark, and in the background of the video a shark almost attacked me but someone's hand blocked it. I remember dream Hannah being like "wow, I can't wait to show this to everyone". In the second part of the dream, I was with the Secret Service helping to protect the President, and at one point we were in this room and this girl started taking pictures and was like "now I have photographic evidence that the President was with Russian prostitutes", so I punched her in the face and stole the camera. Clearly, I have been watching too much "House of Cards". I don't know how to explain the sharks though.
2. FLIGHT 370
WHERE THE HELL IS THIS PLANE?!?! I don't know why, but I am obsessed with finding it. I think its because I just can't wrap my head around the fact that its just gone. I mean, everyone always bitches about how much the governments of different countries are always getting in everyone's business, and yet nobody can find this goddamn aircraft. Until proven otherwise, I'm convinced that we're actually in an episode of The Twilight Zone. Its just so weird to me that if the technology exists to find an iPhone almost anywhere, finding a plane should be cake.
3. FLYING
Speaking of airplanes, I am so not excited for all of the flying that is in my near future. In 6 days I fly back to Arizona, and then 5 days after that I fly to Portland. Missing airplanes aside, I am not a huge fan of flying. I think I might do a post dedicated to the weirdest flights that I've had.
4. MERMAIDS
The other night, I watched (well, sort of. I slept through part of it) a thing on Animal Planet called "Mermaids: The Body Found". The idea behind it is that the sonar testing the Navy is doing in the oceans are disrupting a form of marine life that was previously undiscovered, and some scientists are claiming that they're mermaids. I mean, the thing is clearly a hoax (the point of it was for people to focus on the negative impact of sonar testing on the whale population), but it did get me thinking. I hope that mermaids are real, but I hope that they look like Ariel, and not how they looked in this thing, because they looked like the creature from the Black Lagoon.
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Mermaids: The Body Found
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I'm reading the Harry Potter series again for the first time in a couple of years, and I'm on "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix". Holy crap, I forgot how terrible Dolores Umbridge is in the book. Don't get me wrong, she's awful in the movie, but in the book she is just so hateful! Ugh, she just makes me so angry, and I can't wait until I get to the part of the book where she gets what's coming to her in the Forbidden Forest. What a bitch. I would also like to add that this book is probably my least favorite in the entire series.
6. PIA FARRENKOPF
Jesus H. Christ on a bicycle, this is pretty high up there in creepiest things that I have ever read. If you're too lazy to read the whole thing, its about a lady who died in the backseat of her car in 2009 (the car was in the garage) AND NOBODY KNEW ABOUT IT UNTIL THEY FOUND HER BODY LAST MONTH. Yeah, you read this right. This woman was dead in her garage for FIVE YEARS and nobody had a clue. She had no close friends or family, her neighbors all thought she was traveling for work (so they spent five years maintaining her lawn, WTF), she had left her job so nobody was expecting her there, and all of her bills were auto-pay, so nobody knew that anything was wrong until her money ran out and the bank foreclosed on her house and the house was like OH SURPRISE HERE SHE IS. Ew. Guys, this is why its really important to have a least one real life friend who will notice if they don't hear from you, even if you are still paying your bills on time. I just can't believe that not a single person was like "yo I haven't seen Pia in a minute. I should call her and catch up". Yikes.
8. VACCINES
Parents who refuse to get their kids vaccinated because they think vaccines cause autism make me SO ANGRY. Especially with the outbreak of measles in California. Guys, come on. The scientist who initially made the claims linking vaccinations to childhood autism retracted his statement. Go and get your stupid kids vaccinated. Think of the other kids! Its really really mean, but if you don't get your kid vaccinated, that's your business. But don't put a bunch of other little kids in danger. Ugh. I can't. This is so frustrating.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Living with family.
When you're in a terrible mood, living with family is the worst. Today was not awesome, and all I want to do is eat some McDonald's, binge watch House of Cards and drink a lot of wine straight out of the bottle. But I can't do that, because that is the sort of behavior that family members tend to judge you for. Living with roommates can be a huge pain in the ass, but nobody gives a shit what they think about you when they come home to you sitting on the kitchen floor pounding wine because your day was a giant butt hole. In fact, most of the time they join you, or at the very least are like "I understand. Carry on". Grandparents, not so much.
So why was today so horrible? Well, I sort of just woke up in a shitty mood. It was one of those mornings where you wake up and you feel like the day is going to be a bad one, then you notice the tickle in your throat and check your phone only to see that its 7º outside you're like "yup, today is going to suck". So naturally I stayed in bed a lot longer than I should have, so when I went to the bathroom and realized that my hair had decided to channel its inner Mufasa, there was no time to fix it. Then I noticed that my face was breaking out, so the whole plan of looking super good to balance out my shit mood was a no-go. Unfortunate.
Then I got to work and the day kind of kept going in a downward motion. I had to deal with the scanner.Those of you who follow me on any other social media know that I have been at war with the scanner I'm using since January. Seriously, this scanner is a bitch. And it doesn't help that its totally joined up with the computer, so when one struggles it sends the other one into a fit and then everything just sort of goes to shit. Its brand new too, so it has no excuse to be such a butt hole. Its just an office diva. Most days, it works really well until about 3:30 pm. This works for me, because I'm able to actually be pretty productive until everything starts getting all flustered. But as soon as I hit the power button today, it was like "hmmm……………….nah". On top of not feeling good and already being in a bad mood, this was less than ideal.
So why was today so horrible? Well, I sort of just woke up in a shitty mood. It was one of those mornings where you wake up and you feel like the day is going to be a bad one, then you notice the tickle in your throat and check your phone only to see that its 7º outside you're like "yup, today is going to suck". So naturally I stayed in bed a lot longer than I should have, so when I went to the bathroom and realized that my hair had decided to channel its inner Mufasa, there was no time to fix it. Then I noticed that my face was breaking out, so the whole plan of looking super good to balance out my shit mood was a no-go. Unfortunate.
Then I got to work and the day kind of kept going in a downward motion. I had to deal with the scanner.Those of you who follow me on any other social media know that I have been at war with the scanner I'm using since January. Seriously, this scanner is a bitch. And it doesn't help that its totally joined up with the computer, so when one struggles it sends the other one into a fit and then everything just sort of goes to shit. Its brand new too, so it has no excuse to be such a butt hole. Its just an office diva. Most days, it works really well until about 3:30 pm. This works for me, because I'm able to actually be pretty productive until everything starts getting all flustered. But as soon as I hit the power button today, it was like "hmmm……………….nah". On top of not feeling good and already being in a bad mood, this was less than ideal.
WELL HERE'S A TWIST.
I started writing this as soon as I got home, and I clearly was not a very happy camper. I just wanted to bitch about stuff, and where better to do that then here? Well, here's where the flip side of living with family comes in. They're good at cheering you up. Instead of drowning my sorrows in alcohol and a burger, I ate a very delicious home cooked meal and watched some TV with my grandparents. I am definitely in a better mood, and don't have to deal with the mcguilt of eating possibly the world's unhealthiest food.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that after living on your own for awhile, living with family again is very weird and a big adjustment. There's a lot of stuff you can't really do (binge watch Netflix, come home wasted, etc.) but there are some definite perks (home cooked meal, quality family time, etc.). It has been an experience, and as much as I love my family, I am ready to live on my own again.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Saturday thoughts
I've noticed that a lot of bloggers have some sort of organization to their posts, so I'm thinking about doing one every Saturday that is just random thoughts that I've had throughout the week. I haven't decided yet, so check in next Saturday to see if this is actually going to be a thing.
So…..yeah. Here are the thoughts for this week.
1. FRED PHELPS
Fred Phelps died this week. For those of you who have been hiding under a rock, he's the founder of the Westboro Baptist Church. They're the people who picket funerals, and its pretty much agreed that he was the most hated man alive. He was a truly hateful man, but I'm sort of conflicted on how I feel about his death. Part of me truly does believe that the world is better off without him, but I also feel like a huge hypocrite saying anything disrespectful towards his death, since that sort of behavior is what made him so hated in the first place. I mean obviously he took it to the absolute extreme, but you get what I'm talking about. And according to pretty much every article I've read about his death, he was excommunicated from the church a couple of months ago because he thought they should show more kindness towards others. Whatever the case, he was a deeply troubled man, and I hope the church sort of falls apart without him.
2. DATING IN THE AGE OF SOCIAL MEDIA
Full disclosure: I haven't had a boyfriend since Myspace was a thing (good lord), so most of this is from observations I have made. I think that social media is sort of ruining dating. These days you meet someone, go home and find their social media profiles, creep on them, then keep your fingers crossed that you don't accidentally reveal something on your coffee date that you found out from some light internet stalking. Also, social media makes it a lot easier to be paranoid about infidelity. "Who is that girl who liked his picture/why is that guy commenting on everything/ oh my God do you think they look like a couple in that Instagram picture?!" These sound insane, but I promise you I have heard people say all of them. I even know someone who made a fake Snapchat profile to see who her boyfriend sends/receives most of his pictures from. What?! And don't even get me started on Internet dating, because that shit is whack.
3. FASHION POLICE
Have you ever watched the show on the E! Network?! Holy shit, they are brutal. Basically the entire show is Joan Rivers, Kelly Osbourne and some other people discussing what celebrities have been wearing, and it is rough. They're so mean! I'm sorry, but Joan Rivers isn't funny. She is a fucking bully. I'm glad I'm not a celebrity, because I can guarantee that Joan would make me cry over my outfit choices.
4. HOUSE OF CARDS
I don't know why, but it sort of blows my mind that Princess Buttercup and Claire Underwood are played by the same person. Also, I think I need to go and watch Pay It Forward so I can remind myself that sometimes Kevin Spacey plays nice people and isn't always a scary sociopath.
5. SPACE JAM
It just came on TV and now I am so excited I can't stand it. Michael Jordan is the best and I will fight anyone who tries to tell me different. This movie is amazing and it should have won every award ever made.
So…..yeah. Here are the thoughts for this week.
1. FRED PHELPS
Fred Phelps died this week. For those of you who have been hiding under a rock, he's the founder of the Westboro Baptist Church. They're the people who picket funerals, and its pretty much agreed that he was the most hated man alive. He was a truly hateful man, but I'm sort of conflicted on how I feel about his death. Part of me truly does believe that the world is better off without him, but I also feel like a huge hypocrite saying anything disrespectful towards his death, since that sort of behavior is what made him so hated in the first place. I mean obviously he took it to the absolute extreme, but you get what I'm talking about. And according to pretty much every article I've read about his death, he was excommunicated from the church a couple of months ago because he thought they should show more kindness towards others. Whatever the case, he was a deeply troubled man, and I hope the church sort of falls apart without him.
2. DATING IN THE AGE OF SOCIAL MEDIA
Full disclosure: I haven't had a boyfriend since Myspace was a thing (good lord), so most of this is from observations I have made. I think that social media is sort of ruining dating. These days you meet someone, go home and find their social media profiles, creep on them, then keep your fingers crossed that you don't accidentally reveal something on your coffee date that you found out from some light internet stalking. Also, social media makes it a lot easier to be paranoid about infidelity. "Who is that girl who liked his picture/why is that guy commenting on everything/ oh my God do you think they look like a couple in that Instagram picture?!" These sound insane, but I promise you I have heard people say all of them. I even know someone who made a fake Snapchat profile to see who her boyfriend sends/receives most of his pictures from. What?! And don't even get me started on Internet dating, because that shit is whack.
3. FASHION POLICE
Have you ever watched the show on the E! Network?! Holy shit, they are brutal. Basically the entire show is Joan Rivers, Kelly Osbourne and some other people discussing what celebrities have been wearing, and it is rough. They're so mean! I'm sorry, but Joan Rivers isn't funny. She is a fucking bully. I'm glad I'm not a celebrity, because I can guarantee that Joan would make me cry over my outfit choices.
4. HOUSE OF CARDS
I don't know why, but it sort of blows my mind that Princess Buttercup and Claire Underwood are played by the same person. Also, I think I need to go and watch Pay It Forward so I can remind myself that sometimes Kevin Spacey plays nice people and isn't always a scary sociopath.
5. SPACE JAM
It just came on TV and now I am so excited I can't stand it. Michael Jordan is the best and I will fight anyone who tries to tell me different. This movie is amazing and it should have won every award ever made.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
23
This was inspired by the 754 posts that I have seen on the internet about things that you should know/learn to do in your 20's. These annoy me, because most of the time I don't know/haven't learned how to do most of the things on those lists, so I decided to do the complete opposite. I'm 23, so I decided to list 23 things that I still don't know how to do. Here they are:
1. TAXES
I have been doing my own tax returns since I was 17, and every single year I'm convinced that the IRS will come knocking at my door and arrest me for tax fraud. There are just so many things! You have to fill out all these boxes and then there's all this "add boxes A-E and if the sum is greater than zero you owe us your first born child and a kitten". Ugh. I also have the nasty habit of working different jobs and moving to different states partway through the year, so my W2s are just a giant clusterfuck. There was actually one year where I did mess it up, and a very nice man named Hans at H&R Block had to help me out. Hans was such a champion. And I don't even have anything! If I ever get married and own a house I don't even know what I'll do. And if I have kids? Good lord, I'll probably just sit down at my computer and pass out. Hopefully, my boo will have better accounting knowledge than yours truly.
2. COOK SOMETHING BESIDES SPAGHETTI, FRENCH TOAST AND A BURRITO
If I had a dollar for every person who has either told me that they would teach me how to cook or assured me that cooking really isn't that hard, I would have enough money to just hire my own team of private chefs. My problem is that cooking really stresses me out, and trying to cook more than one thing at a time? Forget it. It just turns into a hot mess. I can't even count the number of stuff that I've eaten that has been over/under cooked, a weird texture, or has just tasted flat out terrible. Its embarrassing. One excellent example of my lack of culinary skills is the time I started cooking bacon and just walked away in the middle of cooking it. I started watching TV, and then the smoke alarms went off. A domestic goddess, I am not.
3. WALK IN HEELS
I don't know where I was the day that we learned how to do this, but I can't walk in heels for shit. Seriously, I look like a man. My entire body tenses up and I look like an MMA fighter headed towards the ring. It is not cute. This actually doesn't have that much of an effect on my life; my achilles tendon does not appreciate being in that position for more than about 10 minutes, and I'm already 17 ft tall without them, but still. I see girls looking super fabulous in killer heels, and I can't help but feel a little jealous.
4. SAVE MONEY/THINK ABOUT MY FUTURE
I know I've talked about it before, but gahdayum. I am so so so so so terrible at saving money. The lessons in fiscal responsibility must have been the same day we learned to walk in heels, because I completely missed it. A lot of people I know are in the process of buying houses, and I literally can't even fathom having that amount of financial responsibilities in my life. I don't even know what I spend all of my money on! I don't go shopping, ever. Actually, I do know. I spend it on going out to eat and feeding my insane Starbucks addiction. Its not ok.
5. IMPULSE CONTROL
I have no impulse control. One very important example of this is my dairy allergy. I know I'm allergic to dairy. I know that if I drink that drink from Starbucks that has milk in it will make me sick, but I drink it anyway. You'd think I would the intense stomach cramping would help me learn, but nope. I still eat the third slice of pizza and drink that creme brûlée latte. I also have a tendency to talk and act before I think, which has gotten me into a lot of trouble in my life. Also I tend to impulsively move places, which so far has not been a good look.
6. BE GRACEFUL
OK, I'm going to be completely honest with you guys. When it comes to how clumsy I am, I am super self conscious. Yeah, its funny to remember all the stupid shit that I've done (there are a lot of really funny stories that involve me falling over), but I die a little inside every time someone brings this stuff up. No exaggeration, I would sell my soul for grace. How to people do it?! You know the people I'm talking about. They have a fluidity to their movements that is absolutely beautiful to watch. I am not one of these people. I run into things a lot. I think this is partly based on a depth perception problem, so its not all my fault.
7. REMEMBER TO DO STUFF
I really need to start doing stuff the exact moment that I think of it. Otherwise, I will completely forget about it until I am getting ready to go to sleep and then I'm like "OH GOD DAMMIT I FORGOT TO CALL THE DENTIST AGAIN".
8. GO TO BED AT A NORMAL TIME
To be a healthy, active member of society, you're supposed to get around 8 hours of sleep, and the majority of this sleep should happen before midnight. I don't do this ever. I usually get about 6 hours of sleep a night, and somehow the earlier I have to wake up, the later I end up going to sleep. My bedtime is usually anywhere between midnight and 1 am. I'm not an insomniac, and its not like I have homework that I need to be doing. For some reason, my brain is like "you don't need sleep. You need to watch the most recent episode of Teen Mom". Thanks brain. I have no problem sleeping during the day, though. I think my internal clock is a little behind the times (HA).
9. ENJOY POETRY
I've tried. If it wasn't written by Shel Silverstein, I'm really not interested.
10. REMEMBER BIRTHDAYS
Thank the sweet baby Jesus for Facebook, otherwise I really wouldn't know anyone's birthdays. I mix up my parents' birthdays all the time, and I've been friends with my bestie since 4th grade and I still can't remember her birthday. I promise that I love you and want you to have the best birthday ever, it just might take me until the next day to remember that it was your special day.
11. SCHEDULE APPOINTMENTS TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF
Oh right! I have to plan things like dentist appointments and other doctor needs. Hey Google, how often do I need to go again?
12. PLAN
I don't plan shit. Ever. Then I stress about the things I don't plan until they magically work out. Then something else happens and I don't plan for it……………lather, rinse, repeat. This can also be filed under "Needs to stop procrastinating everything".
13. NOT STEAL CHAIRS WHEN I DRINK HEAVILY
This one is pretty self-explanatory. I don't drink like a normal person. I always end up coming home with souvenirs that you can sit on. Ask me about it sometime, I've got some really funny stories.
14. KEEP UP WITH THE LATEST TRENDS
HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS?!?! Seriously, is there some website that people can go to that says what the latest thing is?!?! There are some people who are always on it, and half the time I don't even know what it is!!! I think this gets into some weird psyche thing where I want to be popular, but whatever. There are some people who always know what the trends are, and I'm like "excuse me, what does #turndownforwhat mean??" Ugh.
15. DANCE
I can't. Unless I'm hammered. And even then I tend to do the sprinkler, but I think I'm Beyonce.
16. ACT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON WHEN I TALK TO PEOPLE THAT ARE GOOD LOOKING.
Oh. My. Lord. I never got past the "awkward 13 year old girl" stage of talking to boys. Here are my two favorite examples:
17. STOP CARING ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF ME
Does anyone ever learn this?
18. DIRECTIONS
Along with selling my soul for grace, I would also sell it for a good sense of direction. As soon as I leave point A, I am 100% convinced that I am lost until I successfully reach point B. Also if someone tells me directions I will forget them the second they stop talking. Then I get in the car and am like "well……..shit". Then I end up GPSing a street name I think I remember them saying and just sort of hope for the best. The first time I drove to Phoenix by myself I missed an exit, missed my flight and drove around so terribly lost for about 5 hours until I went into a radio shack literally sobbing asking someone how in the hell to get back to Flagstaff. All total, it was a 9 hour adventure and pretty much the worst thing ever.
19. TAKE AN ATTRACTIVE PICTURE
I don't know my angles. Or how to do that hand on the hip, head to the side thing. I think you might need to have been in a sorority to learn these things.
20. LISTEN TO MY OWN ADVICE
I give awesome advice. My Lord, the things I could accomplish if I actually listened to myself. I also give excellent relationship advice, then stomp all over it and tell boys that I want a pet shark.
21. DRESS MYSELF
True life: I wore sweatpants 95% of my high school and college careers. This includes parties and other social events. I went to the bars in basketball shorts on more than one occasion. When I try to look cute, I always end up looking either unintentionally slutty or sort of confused. This is also a big issue when I try to dress professionally. Once I went to a conference in LA and I looked like I was getting ready to star in "Dirty Delegates: Naughty Model United Nations". Turns out pencil skirts aren't really my thing.
22. TALK LIKE A LADY.
I swear like a sailor. Its not cute.
23. NOT SPEND ALL MY MONEY AT STARBUCKS
I JUST REALLY WANT A GRANDE ICED CHAI RIGHT NOW.
1. TAXES
I have been doing my own tax returns since I was 17, and every single year I'm convinced that the IRS will come knocking at my door and arrest me for tax fraud. There are just so many things! You have to fill out all these boxes and then there's all this "add boxes A-E and if the sum is greater than zero you owe us your first born child and a kitten". Ugh. I also have the nasty habit of working different jobs and moving to different states partway through the year, so my W2s are just a giant clusterfuck. There was actually one year where I did mess it up, and a very nice man named Hans at H&R Block had to help me out. Hans was such a champion. And I don't even have anything! If I ever get married and own a house I don't even know what I'll do. And if I have kids? Good lord, I'll probably just sit down at my computer and pass out. Hopefully, my boo will have better accounting knowledge than yours truly.
2. COOK SOMETHING BESIDES SPAGHETTI, FRENCH TOAST AND A BURRITO
If I had a dollar for every person who has either told me that they would teach me how to cook or assured me that cooking really isn't that hard, I would have enough money to just hire my own team of private chefs. My problem is that cooking really stresses me out, and trying to cook more than one thing at a time? Forget it. It just turns into a hot mess. I can't even count the number of stuff that I've eaten that has been over/under cooked, a weird texture, or has just tasted flat out terrible. Its embarrassing. One excellent example of my lack of culinary skills is the time I started cooking bacon and just walked away in the middle of cooking it. I started watching TV, and then the smoke alarms went off. A domestic goddess, I am not.
3. WALK IN HEELS
I don't know where I was the day that we learned how to do this, but I can't walk in heels for shit. Seriously, I look like a man. My entire body tenses up and I look like an MMA fighter headed towards the ring. It is not cute. This actually doesn't have that much of an effect on my life; my achilles tendon does not appreciate being in that position for more than about 10 minutes, and I'm already 17 ft tall without them, but still. I see girls looking super fabulous in killer heels, and I can't help but feel a little jealous.
4. SAVE MONEY/THINK ABOUT MY FUTURE
I know I've talked about it before, but gahdayum. I am so so so so so terrible at saving money. The lessons in fiscal responsibility must have been the same day we learned to walk in heels, because I completely missed it. A lot of people I know are in the process of buying houses, and I literally can't even fathom having that amount of financial responsibilities in my life. I don't even know what I spend all of my money on! I don't go shopping, ever. Actually, I do know. I spend it on going out to eat and feeding my insane Starbucks addiction. Its not ok.
5. IMPULSE CONTROL
I have no impulse control. One very important example of this is my dairy allergy. I know I'm allergic to dairy. I know that if I drink that drink from Starbucks that has milk in it will make me sick, but I drink it anyway. You'd think I would the intense stomach cramping would help me learn, but nope. I still eat the third slice of pizza and drink that creme brûlée latte. I also have a tendency to talk and act before I think, which has gotten me into a lot of trouble in my life. Also I tend to impulsively move places, which so far has not been a good look.
6. BE GRACEFUL
OK, I'm going to be completely honest with you guys. When it comes to how clumsy I am, I am super self conscious. Yeah, its funny to remember all the stupid shit that I've done (there are a lot of really funny stories that involve me falling over), but I die a little inside every time someone brings this stuff up. No exaggeration, I would sell my soul for grace. How to people do it?! You know the people I'm talking about. They have a fluidity to their movements that is absolutely beautiful to watch. I am not one of these people. I run into things a lot. I think this is partly based on a depth perception problem, so its not all my fault.
7. REMEMBER TO DO STUFF
I really need to start doing stuff the exact moment that I think of it. Otherwise, I will completely forget about it until I am getting ready to go to sleep and then I'm like "OH GOD DAMMIT I FORGOT TO CALL THE DENTIST AGAIN".
8. GO TO BED AT A NORMAL TIME
To be a healthy, active member of society, you're supposed to get around 8 hours of sleep, and the majority of this sleep should happen before midnight. I don't do this ever. I usually get about 6 hours of sleep a night, and somehow the earlier I have to wake up, the later I end up going to sleep. My bedtime is usually anywhere between midnight and 1 am. I'm not an insomniac, and its not like I have homework that I need to be doing. For some reason, my brain is like "you don't need sleep. You need to watch the most recent episode of Teen Mom". Thanks brain. I have no problem sleeping during the day, though. I think my internal clock is a little behind the times (HA).
9. ENJOY POETRY
I've tried. If it wasn't written by Shel Silverstein, I'm really not interested.
10. REMEMBER BIRTHDAYS
Thank the sweet baby Jesus for Facebook, otherwise I really wouldn't know anyone's birthdays. I mix up my parents' birthdays all the time, and I've been friends with my bestie since 4th grade and I still can't remember her birthday. I promise that I love you and want you to have the best birthday ever, it just might take me until the next day to remember that it was your special day.
11. SCHEDULE APPOINTMENTS TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF
Oh right! I have to plan things like dentist appointments and other doctor needs. Hey Google, how often do I need to go again?
12. PLAN
I don't plan shit. Ever. Then I stress about the things I don't plan until they magically work out. Then something else happens and I don't plan for it……………lather, rinse, repeat. This can also be filed under "Needs to stop procrastinating everything".
13. NOT STEAL CHAIRS WHEN I DRINK HEAVILY
This one is pretty self-explanatory. I don't drink like a normal person. I always end up coming home with souvenirs that you can sit on. Ask me about it sometime, I've got some really funny stories.
14. KEEP UP WITH THE LATEST TRENDS
HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS?!?! Seriously, is there some website that people can go to that says what the latest thing is?!?! There are some people who are always on it, and half the time I don't even know what it is!!! I think this gets into some weird psyche thing where I want to be popular, but whatever. There are some people who always know what the trends are, and I'm like "excuse me, what does #turndownforwhat mean??" Ugh.
15. DANCE
I can't. Unless I'm hammered. And even then I tend to do the sprinkler, but I think I'm Beyonce.
16. ACT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON WHEN I TALK TO PEOPLE THAT ARE GOOD LOOKING.
Oh. My. Lord. I never got past the "awkward 13 year old girl" stage of talking to boys. Here are my two favorite examples:
- When I was a freshman in college and worked at the Basement Marketplace, there was a guy named Tony who worked at Bigfoot, and he was so cute. The first time he talked to me, I spilled a drink everywhere. Another time, we somehow got on the subject of names and he was like "you know what Tony spelled backwards is? Y-not!" Then he winked at me. I replied with "Hannah-spelled-backwards-is-Hannah-I-have-to-go-bye". All one word, then I ran away. Like actually ran. My face is bright red just thinking about it.
- I was at a bar in Hawaii and I met a super cute boy. He asked me what I would buy if I won the lottery, and I looked at him and said "shark". He looked a little confused and was like "you wouldn't buy a house first? Or at least an aquarium?" And I was like "nope. I would buy a shark. Then I would get a mansion and the shark would live in my swimming pool". WHAT.
This isn't just a problem when I talk to guys. Once this super hot brazilian lady came into Honolua and I got really flustered. It was embarrassing.
17. STOP CARING ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF ME
Does anyone ever learn this?
18. DIRECTIONS
Along with selling my soul for grace, I would also sell it for a good sense of direction. As soon as I leave point A, I am 100% convinced that I am lost until I successfully reach point B. Also if someone tells me directions I will forget them the second they stop talking. Then I get in the car and am like "well……..shit". Then I end up GPSing a street name I think I remember them saying and just sort of hope for the best. The first time I drove to Phoenix by myself I missed an exit, missed my flight and drove around so terribly lost for about 5 hours until I went into a radio shack literally sobbing asking someone how in the hell to get back to Flagstaff. All total, it was a 9 hour adventure and pretty much the worst thing ever.
19. TAKE AN ATTRACTIVE PICTURE
I don't know my angles. Or how to do that hand on the hip, head to the side thing. I think you might need to have been in a sorority to learn these things.
20. LISTEN TO MY OWN ADVICE
I give awesome advice. My Lord, the things I could accomplish if I actually listened to myself. I also give excellent relationship advice, then stomp all over it and tell boys that I want a pet shark.
21. DRESS MYSELF
True life: I wore sweatpants 95% of my high school and college careers. This includes parties and other social events. I went to the bars in basketball shorts on more than one occasion. When I try to look cute, I always end up looking either unintentionally slutty or sort of confused. This is also a big issue when I try to dress professionally. Once I went to a conference in LA and I looked like I was getting ready to star in "Dirty Delegates: Naughty Model United Nations". Turns out pencil skirts aren't really my thing.
22. TALK LIKE A LADY.
I swear like a sailor. Its not cute.
23. NOT SPEND ALL MY MONEY AT STARBUCKS
I JUST REALLY WANT A GRANDE ICED CHAI RIGHT NOW.
I am not excited for Portland.
*I am not writing this for sympathy. This is simply a place for me to express my thoughts, and this is what I am thinking about.*
Today I got an interview at an athletic club in Portland, we found out we got the house we wanted, I booked my flight, applied for a couple more jobs, and I am not even a little bit excited. The exact opposite, actually. Really, I'm a lot closer to puking then I was when I had no plans. Shocked? Yeah, I'm a really good liar. My go-to line is "yeah I'm really excited. It's definitely going to be an adventure, and I'm trying to be as responsible as possible". Ha! Lies. Well, except the responsibility part. I really am trying. But when I think about this next chapter of my life, I don't see success. I see absolute failure. I see myself crawling back home for the second time in my life; tail between my legs, licking my wounds and bracing myself for anothe round of "I told you so".
Actually the scariest part if this whole adventure is that if I fail, there will be no "I told you so". No. This time there will be only crushing disappointment, because this time people are pulling for me. I joked about finding the love of my life in Hawaii, and it would cause my mom to noticeably twitch. Today she mentioned how Mr. Right could be sweating next to me on a treadmill at the athletic club in Portland. My dad said he was proud of me. People see a future for me in Oregon that doesn't involve me being a beach bum with nothing to show but blonde hair and a tan that envokes jealousy and a strong fear of skin cancer.
Failure? Well..............everyone who has ever fought with a parent knows how much it hurts to know that you have truly disappointed someone. Nothing cut deeper than those fights when there was no yelling, only a softly spoken "I am so disappointed in you".
Today I got an interview at an athletic club in Portland, we found out we got the house we wanted, I booked my flight, applied for a couple more jobs, and I am not even a little bit excited. The exact opposite, actually. Really, I'm a lot closer to puking then I was when I had no plans. Shocked? Yeah, I'm a really good liar. My go-to line is "yeah I'm really excited. It's definitely going to be an adventure, and I'm trying to be as responsible as possible". Ha! Lies. Well, except the responsibility part. I really am trying. But when I think about this next chapter of my life, I don't see success. I see absolute failure. I see myself crawling back home for the second time in my life; tail between my legs, licking my wounds and bracing myself for anothe round of "I told you so".
Actually the scariest part if this whole adventure is that if I fail, there will be no "I told you so". No. This time there will be only crushing disappointment, because this time people are pulling for me. I joked about finding the love of my life in Hawaii, and it would cause my mom to noticeably twitch. Today she mentioned how Mr. Right could be sweating next to me on a treadmill at the athletic club in Portland. My dad said he was proud of me. People see a future for me in Oregon that doesn't involve me being a beach bum with nothing to show but blonde hair and a tan that envokes jealousy and a strong fear of skin cancer.
Failure? Well..............everyone who has ever fought with a parent knows how much it hurts to know that you have truly disappointed someone. Nothing cut deeper than those fights when there was no yelling, only a softly spoken "I am so disappointed in you".
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