Skunks in the Vieja

"Hey Hannah, have you seen Mike?"
"No…..why?"
"He went running down the street after a skunk that he thought was a cat and now we can't find him."

This is one of my favorite conversations that I have ever had with anyone, and it describes my old living situation better then anything I could ever come up with. The last year and a half of my college career, the house I lived in was ridiculous. It was this really old, rundown house in a neighborhood right off campus called La Plaza Vieja, but we all called it the Vieja. The house opened up into an alleyway, which only added to its ghetto charm. No joke, one part of the directions to my house was "OK, then there's going to be a dumpster on the left side of the road. Turn left into the alley right past it." Hahaha To make it even better, I lived in the house with FOUR BOYS. Yeah, ridiculous is a little bit of an understatement, because they were all out of their goddamn minds. Our neighbors were equally as batshit as we were, which lead to moments like the one above (Mike was very drunk when he went running after the skunk cat). Some of my other favorite Vieja memories:

- The time my roommates brought over a bunch of freshmen and I got really drunk in my kitchen and was mean to them.

- Waking up after getting crazy the night before, and all of us sitting on the porch drinking coffee/tea reevaluating all of our life choices. This happened so much.

- That time Mike gave me a striptease to the lollipop song from "The Wizard of Oz" at like 9 in the morning, and Jordan laughing so hard he puked.

- The pep talk the boys gave me when I came home crying after an International Economics study session convinced I was going to fail college. ("Hannah I know you don't like coffee or whiskey, but I'm going to make you a drink and you're going to drink it and like it.)

- The night after graduation when they all took me out and we got so ridiculous that we got kicked out of Mia's, which I didn't even know was possible, because its the most hipster bar in existence.

- The Annual Plaza Vieja Beerster Egg Hunt. We would decorate beer cans to look like easter eggs and hide them around our yard, the neighbor's yard, and the neighbor's house. There were also various mixed drinks hidden, and it was always really nasty shit like vodka and milk.

- Mike and I in our pretty easter dresses.

- Watching "Friday Night Lights" on Netflix and everyone making fun of me for it, then coming home the next day to find out they had become obsessed with it and watched the entire series in a day.

- Jordan getting kicked out of Ladies 80's and Electric Kingdom every single time we went.

- The bonfires at Cutter and Jordan's house before Jordan moved in with us.

- The fort that we had in the living room for almost two months, until I got really really angry one day and tore it down.

- Stupid Rob sleeping on our couch all the time over the summer, then getting really angry and offended when I asked him if he was homeless. Hahahaha

- That time I came home from work and all the boys were out in the alley by the fence puking their brains out and laughing their asses off at the same time.

- Always getting butterflies in my stomach when I saw Cutter's car in the driveway, because he was so so so hot. And I always looked so so so terrible.

- Drunk Mike. Describing all the reasons Drunk Mike was my favorite would take way too much time.

- That time we all went out, then I had to be at work at 5:30 am and I woke up with my eye swollen shut. I came home from work with my eye still fucked up, Jordan and Mike sitting on the porch really confused and hungover telling me to be careful because there was a strange dog locked in Stu's room.

- All the parties at stoked guy's house.

- Stoked guy telling the whale joke.

- Brandon breaking the hammock.

- Brandon being so sensitive, but all of us loving him because he always cooked for us.

- That time Diego and Jordan ate all of my leftovers, then took me out to dinner to make up for it and were perfect gentlemen. Then we came home and an hour later they were shitfaced on whiskey.

There are so many more, but its almost 1 am here, so I think I'm going to call it quits on this adventure down memory lane. God damn, that house was so much fun.

Frank's adventures on the stairs

Full disclosure: I'm scared of stairs. Yeah, you don't need to tell me how lame that sounds. There is a reason though. When I was 17, I was not paying attention to where I was going and fell down a flight of stairs. I shattered my ankle and broke all the bones across the top of my foot. I had to get surgery, and now have a big ass scar down the side of my right foot, plus four screws and three pins holding my shit together. So yeah, I'm scared of stairs. Its had a weird, long lasting effect on my life. I never run up and down stairs, and I get really really nervous when I have to carry things on stairs and can't see my feet.

OK Hannah, nobody cares about your weird stairs phobia, so why bring it up? Well, the other day at work I had a pretty serious milestone involving my knee, but I'm starting to think that it might only be a big deal because of my issues with stairs. At P.F. Chang's, there is a big staircase. I have to go up and down it a lot, and since I started working there I use the stairs like an old man. In the beginning, I had to hold onto the railing really tight, and put both feet on each step. It was embarrassing, and people would be like "umm……..are you OK?" And I'd be like "umm…..yeah I had knee surgery recently, don't worry about it." Over the last couple months, its gotten better. I don't have to put both feet on each step, but going down the stairs I always had to use the railing. 

NOT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was at work on Thursday, and I had to go upstairs to get something. I went up and came back down, then had to stop in the middle of the restaurant. I couldn't figure out why something felt different, until about 10 seconds later when it hit me. I didn't need to use the railing! WHAT. Just to make sure, I went up and down the stairs a couple more times. Nope, don't need to use the railing. 

I'm so excited, I don't even know what to do. 

GOOD JOB FRANK!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so proud. 

"Say thank you to naughty Satan"

*I tried to put a picture of the Great Pumpkin here, but my computer is being dumb. Use your imagination.*

I have a weird relationship with Halloween. I love dressing up in costumes, eating ridiculous amounts of candy and going out drinking with all of my friends. Halloween combines all of these things, so obviously its one of my favorite nights of the year. I love the anticipation of having everyone see my costume (even though they're usually really lame), and my absolute favorite part is seeing what everyone else is going to dress up as. I look forward to Halloween every year.

After saying all of that, there's also a small part of me that hates it. I say this because I have literally never had a Halloween go the way I expect it. Depending on what's going on in my life (usually with boys), I always go into the night with some sort of plan for what's going to happen, and those plans never ever happen as I anticipate them. I mean, there was one year in college when my plan was to go to a Halloween party with some friends for a bit, then go to my friend's dorm, and I ended up having to hitch hike home from the party dressed as Batman. Or my freshman year when I accidentally left a party way earlier than everyone else and wandered around campus dressed as a (very cold and drunk) firefighter because I forgot my keys. Or last year, when I thought I was going to hang out with a guy that I worked with (OK let's be honest, I wanted him to kiss me) and I just ended up getting really drunk and running around Waikiki dressed as a ladybug who stole random parts of people's costumes (hilarious). So what happened this year?

Honestly, my plan was to get off work, then go and hang out with some of my friends and wander around Waikiki, probably hit up some bars. Instead, I ended up going to one of my coworker's house and drinking (suuuuper fun), then went to a hotel party that was a TOTAL BUST (actually pretty hilarious in how bad it was) and then ended the night at what was probably the sketchiest bar I have ever been in my life. Its this place called Asylum, and it made the bars from the last post seem like Disneyland. It was ridiculous, and within about 10 minutes of being there, a guy dressed as Batman offered me Molly. I said no thank you. I also didn't end up getting home until about 5:00 this morning, which was very much unexpected. I also didn't eat any candy. In fact, from about 6 pm to 5 am, all I ate was (basically) an entire bag of Tostitos. To be clear though, all I did was drink and eat chips. I didn't do any drugs.

The best part? I never lose my love and excitement for the night. Its like the Peanut's Halloween episode. Linus is always so amped about the Great Pumpkin, and never lets anything get him down. Someday I'll have a Halloween that goes (almost) according to plan. Until then, I'll keep drinking too much and eating too much candy, and having a grand old time.

Oh, in case anyone was wondering, this year I was dressed as a devil. Hence the title. My costume was definitely a little (a lot) slutty, and when I gave a kid a kid's menu at work, her dad was like "say thank you to naughty Satan". He was dressed as a pirate, and it was a really uncomfortable moment.

Surprise Cocaine

I would like to start this post off by saying that I don't do cocaine. I actually don't do any drugs. I don't even like smoking pot because I have a really bizarre reaction to it and everything gets weirdly intense for me. Just wanted to make that clear. If you do drugs, that's your business. Its really not good for you, but you do you boo boo.

Also, this is going to be really long. But nobody reads this, so who gives a shit?

Anyway.

Last night I went out with a girl that I work with (I'll call her K-money), and things got unexpectedly weird. It started out normal enough, we went to Rum Fire and paid way too much money for drinks that barely got us tipsy. Then we decided it was an awesome idea to go to Kelly's. A little background on Kelly's, its only fun if you're borderline blackout wasted. Its always filled with weird old people, you're allowed to smoke in there so it always smells really bad, and its generally just really gross and sketchy. So of course we decided to go there.

While we were at Kelly's two very hairy and enthusiastic Austrian men tried to befriend us. I convinced them that I was a professional Hawaiian surfer and then shut them down, because I'm mean. We also ran into K-money's ex-boyfriend who had blown her off to hang out the past two nights, so when he invited us to go to Rivals (another bar) OF COURSE SHE SAID YES. So we go to Rivals, and it was sooooo dead. There were two guys sitting at the bar, and one of them started talking to me. I told him that I work at P.F. Chang's, and he was like "ohhh........yikes". I was like "umm.......what?" And he goes "Oh well I'm not really a food person".

WHAT. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!? He then tried to recover by saying that he didn't like spending a lot of money on food at restaurants, which resulted in me repeatedly calling him a "cheap anorexic", because if I think you're lame when I'm drunk I will torture you mercilessly. Also I think I'm hilarious, so I will call you names and then laugh at you. Its bad. ANYWAY, the cheap anorexic bought me a shot that I believe was called a Brain, and it was fucking disgusting. It was Bailey's and something else, and I think the Bailey's was supposed to look like a brain, but I kept asking him why the fuck he bought me a shot that had a fetus in it. I am a charming drunk. So while all this is going on, K-money is being all awkward with her ex, until I finally decide the whole situation is ridiculous and we bail.

THIS IS WHERE THE STORY TAKES A TURN FOR THE UNEXPECTED.

K-money and I were just kind of wandering around Waikiki trying to figure out what to do next, when we ran into one of our other coworkers, McNasty. As you may be able to tell from the nickname, I am not the biggest fan of this girl, but whatever. She was headed into this really weird bar that's above a pizza place (just figured out tonight that it's called Upstairs. What the shit kind of name is that?!) So we were like "eh what the hell" and went upstairs (pun intended) with her. It was super weird. It was really dark and they were blasting electronic music. That's not the weird part. I actually love electronic music, especially when I've been drinking, because I love really loud shit. Anyway, it was the people that was super weird. You know when you see someone and you're like "man, that person looks like he/she does a lot of drugs in their spare time"? Yeah, it was like that with every single person who was there. K-money and McNasty ran into some of their homies, and I just kind of sat there super awkwardly getting really drunk because I didn't know what else to do. Then everyone went outside.

Here's the scene. Its me, K-money and McNasty, a tall black guy, two local looking guys who I'm pretty sure were brothers, and an Asian dude. We're standing there and all of a sudden the black dude pulls a little baggie out of his pocket. Now I'm trying to play it cool when really in my brain I'm screaming OH HOLY SHIT WHEN DID WE DECIDE THAT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO DO COKE?! Hence the title of this post, SURPRISE COCAINE! I was also pretty surprised, because honestly I thought that of all the places that we were going to go that night, Kelly's would be the place where cocaine would magically appear. They start snorting that shit and offer it to me, and I was like "umm......no thanks". Then one of the brothers goes "Oh. Its cause she graduated college". Doesn't really make sense to me, but whatever. I'll go with it. After a little bit outside, me and my merry band of coke whores went to the bar next door, which I'm about 85% sure is called Mad Dog, but I could be wrong.

We get to Mad Dog, and I became BFF's with the bouncer, because all of my homedogs were ripped on cocaine and were annoying as shit. People were playing beer pong and I believe one of the brothers got kicked out for something, and after about 20 minutes I was completely over it. So now we get to the second part of the story:

HANNAH BEFRIENDS THE CAB DRIVER. 

There is a cab company here called THE CAB, and here are what I believe the hiring requirements are:

*One must have only a basic grasp of the English language
*One must have a super sketchy driving record
*One must be a giant dickhead
*One must look like they do a lot of drugs

So I'm outside trying to hail a cab, while I'm stumbling around dodging other drunk people and the occasional hooker (true story) and every single cab that stopped for me was from THE CAB. They all pull over, then the driver tells me "NO TAKE CARD!!!" and they zoom off. I honestly thought I was going to have to walk home, and that would have been the worst thing ever because it's like a 45 minute walk to my house. Then the Eco Cab guy showed up. Eco Cab is the exact opposite of THE CAB. They are nice and wonderful. So this guy pulls over, and no shit, I almost started to cry when he said that he accepted cards. I get in and basically profess my love for this random cab driver. I definitely told him (repeatedly) that he was my favorite person in the entire world and that I was going to build a statue that looked like him.

Luckily, he was the nicest cab driver on planet earth, and he just laughed at me and told me I was awesome. I also told him how excited I was to be making it home alive and cocaine free. He was also proud of me, because he was a good guy. 

Here's something fun, tonight before work I went to Starbucks and the barista (baristo? Is there a different word if he's a guy? Whatever, that's totally not important) was also at the super sketchy coke bar. We laughed really awkwardly and he gave me a discount on my drink, so that was neato.

Penthouse penthouse

Last night one of my coworkers had a party at their penthouse (real life, all I could think of was that Workaholics episode where they try to catch the pedophile and he turns out to be the coolest person they'd ever met and offers to take them to a party at the "Penthouse penthouse". I kept saying it twice and nobody got it. ANYWAY), and a bunch of us went and several put their rage faces on. For those of you who don't know, "putting on your rage face" is Hannah-speak for "get incredibly fucked up".

I waited for one of my friends to get off work, so we didn't end up rolling up until a little after 1 am. Since the party started around 10 pm, we were about 15 levels behind everyone else. Everyone was pretty drunk, but one guy in particular was super duper wasted. Like, trying to breakdance to a Bon Iver song wasted. (Fondly known as "white girl wasted") A little background on this kid, he's really really good looking. He's that one guy that every place has where all the girls are like "dayummm................._________ is looking FINE today", and I always try to look a little extra cute when I find out I'm working upstairs on the off chance that he might be working that night.

So hot coworker and I were out on the lanai, and we're talking (he told me that my "internal soul was filled with aloha".....yeah. He was that drunk) and I was only on my second beer, so I was just kind of laughing and going along with it. Then he looks at me and goes "hey can I kiss you?"

OMG.

There I am, with the hottest person I work with asking if he can kiss me. Unfortunately, he is also wasted, and I am not. It felt too much like I would be weirdly taking advantage of him if I kissed him, so I told him he could kiss me on the cheek, then I went back inside.

OK, cool story bro. What's the point?

Whenever I have mentioned this part of the night, people are like "HANNAH WHAT THE HELL WHY DIDN'T YOU KISS HIM?!" And when I say it was because he was too drunk, I've been met with a resounding "SO WHAT?!"

Is it weird that I didn't let him kiss me? I feel like its standard to hear a story about a guy who either took advantage of the super wasted girl (bad move) or doesn't (good move), but you don't really hear about the opposite situation very much. I don't know, just something that made me think.

A purse full of lipstick, real life not included.

When I was little, I used to always carry a purse around pretending to be a "big girl". It would just have random stuff that I found around the house in it, usually bits of paper and some toys. Also lipstick. There would always, always be lipstick in my purse because my mom had lipstick in her purse, and I wanted to be just like her. It was almost always a plastic tube of fake lipstick, but the idea was there. I couldn't wait until the day when I would be a real grown up who carried around a purse and wore lipstick and did really cool grownup stuff.

Well here I am some 18-odd years later, five  years past the age where I am legally considered an adult and two years past the age where I can legally drink. I own a purse that I use semi frequently, and if you open it up you will find my wallet, phone, keys (sometimes. Today was not one of those days, I locked myself out. Whoops.), and.............a tube of lipstick in a very pretty shade of mauve (also, what the shit kind of a color name is mauve?! It doesn't even look like a real word). I just realized this the other day and it absolutely blew my mind. Like when people look at me, they see an adult. A grown up woman doing grown up woman stuff carrying around her purse that totally has lipstick in it. There's just one little thing....

I always thought that by the time I had real lipstick in my real purse, I would also have my life together.

Why I shouldn't leave my apartment

Today I had the day off, and I strongly considered staying in all day and watching Netflix. I've been slowly working my way through "Sons Of Anarchy", but after the episode where a neo-Nazi stabs a guy in the eye with a broken mop handle in prison, I switched the the more family friendly "Undercover Bosses". Its amazing, everyone should watch it if they want to feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But then my roommate invited me to go to Waimanalo (a beach here) and I was like "ehhhhh......." she goes "Hannah, if you don't come are you going to actually leave the apartment?" and I realized that I should probably go and get some fresh air.

I decided I should be productive, so first I went to drop off the rent check. I would like to note that I have lived in my building for almost a year now and I still have to put the address of the rental company into my phone to find it. Its literally 5 minutes away from my apartment, and yet I can never remember which street to turn down. So I drop off the rent, then go to the bank to deposit some money. After depositing the money, I decided to go to Buffalo Wild Wings, because that shit is my jam. 

Its like the universe knew that I shouldn't be spending my money on things like B-dubs. While I was being all productive, the weather was beautiful. The second I left the bank to go and pick up my food, it started raining. OK UNIVERSE, I UNDERSTAND THAT I AM FINANCIALLY IRRESPONSIBLE AND NOT A VERY HEALTHY EATER. So I cruise over getting soggier and soggier and I managed to hit every single red light between Safeway and Buffalo Wild Wings. So dumb. While I was stopped at one of the lights, there was a large man on the corner waiting to cross the street wearing a bright yellow shirt. On the shirt was written 

"I LOVE THE SOUND YOU MAKE WHEN YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP".  Underneath that was a happy face with duct tape across the mouth.  

No joke. This man then looks at me, gets a big grin on his face and goes "I LOVE YOU!!!!!!" then starts laughing his ass off, while I sat there waiting for the light to change getting more and more uncomfortable by my new love and the fact that it was raining. 

This is why I hate leaving my apartment. 

On the plus side though, I totally forgot that Buffalo Wild Wings has a wings special on Tuesdays, so I got my wings half off. Which was awesome.