Sunday, June 8, 2014

Naked Portland

Oh hello friends! Blogging once a month is how you become internet famous, right? Anywho, tomorrow I will have lived in Portland for two months (!!!) and I have to say, this city has welcomed me with an unusual amount of nudity. That probably sounds pretty weird, so let me explain. 


When I first heard of stripperoke, I didn't believe that it actually existed. If you know me, you know that I really like both strip clubs and singing karaoke, so the idea that I could sing karaoke at a strip club was really just too good to be true. But it exists, and it is fabulous.  I really just can't stress enough how much I love it. It is held every Sunday night at a strip club in town called Devil's Point, and you sing karaoke on a stage while a girl shakes her boobies and does lots of acrobatic things on a pole to your sweet jams. The first time I went, I had no idea what I was getting into. First of all, Devil's Point looks sketchy as fuck. Its basically the dive bar of the strip club world. I'll be honest, I went in thinking the strippers were going to be the girls who clearly have some serious daddy issues and minor meth addictions, but I could not have been more wrong. These girls are the most athletic strippers that I have ever seen. I want to work out with them because their bodies are fierce. The girl who performed while I was singing was defying some serious lays of both gravity and physics with the things that she was doing. Oh, did I not mention that I sang?? I stood up on a stage in front of a large crowd of people and sang "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" by The Darkness while a topless girl danced around and did flips and shit.  Just let that mental picture sink in for a minute, because it was just as funny as it sounds. My favorite stripper (I've gone more than once) has the funniest signature move that I have ever seen. She does kind of a weird handstand on the lap of a guy sitting by the stage, so her ass is in his face. Then she shakes around for a minute before slamming her ass back into the poor guy's face really hard. I have a friend who got a bloody nose from this move. Yeah that's right, this girl's ass is so firm that she can give dudes a bloody nose. I saw her do it to another guy, and he was like "I think I just got my nose broken by a butt hole". SO FUNNY. 
Oh! Speaking of the second time that I went to stripperoke, I went with a guy who I knew in high school that I hadn't seen in about 6 years and was randomly in Portland for a night with some of his friends on their way to Seattle. One of his friends sang "Let's Get It On" and it was freaking magical. So basically I'm the best person to visit, because I'll take you to go and sing karaoke with naked girls. 

Portland does this thing every year called The World Naked Bike Ride, and its exactly what it sounds like. Thousands (no joke) of people ride their bikes through the streets naked (or as naked as you want. Their motto is "go as bare as you dare") as a protest against the over-use of crude oil and exposing the vulnerability of cyclists. Fun fact, the reason that they are ale to do this is because naked protesting is a form of free speech, so as long as you're protesting, you can just let your bits fly free with no fear of getting arrested for public indecency. The ride was last night, and good lord, it was a sight to be seen. I was not an active participant (mostly because I don't own a bicycle) but I was able to catch a little bit of it. My plan was to cruise downtown and see some of the ride, then cruise back to my house to get ready for a party my friend was throwing after the ride, but I ended up not having to go because as I was walking to the bus stop a full on fleet of naked cyclists zoomed by me and I decided that was enough of the ride for me, so I went to a bar by my house and ate some nachos to recover from the surprise amount of dong that I had just witnessed. Then I met up with one of my homegirls, and after a small(ish) amount of pre-gaming, we headed over to my friend's party. The party was called "Pants Off, Dance Off" and I tell you what. I wore a tutu and a bandeau and was significantly overdressed. 

Ah Portland, I like you for your weirdness and your awkward amounts of nudity.