Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Hannah talks about the refugees

Since ISIS has taken responsibility for the recent terrorist attack in Paris, the United States has been pretty hot and bothered about whether or not to let Syrian refugees into the country. A lot of people are solidly against letting any of the refugees in, because they do not want a terrorist attack to take place on our soil. Others are suggesting that we only let the Christian Syrians in, because they're the only ones who can be trusted. I have also heard (well, seen on Facebook) people say that not a single person should be let in from another country because why the fuck are we going to give a potential terrorist shelter when we can't even get it together enough to take care of all of the homeless veterans on our streets? While all of these pretend to be solid arguments, I to would like to throw my hat into the proverbial ring, so here is how I feel about the whole deal:

 Oh my god, I am surrounded by idiots.

SERIOUSLY. People who are saying any of the above arguments (I am including everyone in this. Facebook friends, strangers, politicians, every single person) are so dumb I can't even deal with it. Have you all forgotten the history of the country you claim to love so goddamn much?! WE ARE A COUNTRY FOUNDED BY REFUGEES AND IMMIGRANTS. Unless your family is 100% Native American, you have absolutely no right to say anything bad about people from other countries coming to live here. I mean for fuck's sake. Everyone is bitching about these people coming over and taking our jobs and fucking up our lives, when that is exactly what we did! Except we put the icing on the cake by casually murdering the hell out of all of the Native Americans because we decided that we needed to own all of the things and they looked stupid. Again, unless you are 100% Native American with absolutely 0% European ancestry, you don't get to complain about other people coming into this country. My family came over here to escape some unpleasant shit, I'm sure yours did too. Why are we denying the Syrians that same luxury? "Oh sorry guy, my family got to come over here to escape death, but I'm going to need you to stay put because I am a mean person". Have you even seen the sign that is on the Statue of Liberty?! It welcomes everyone. It is a big old welcome mat to the United States of America. And before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, I feel the exact same way towards Mexican immigrants. I say when it comes to America, the more the merrier.

To the people who say that only Syrians who prove their christian faith can stay, Jesus would punch you in the face if he were here, because you are too goddamn dumb for words. Well maybe he wouldn't punch you, but he would be super disappointed in how you are choosing to show your faith. I am not religious, but I seem to remember a story of a couple trying to find a place to stay and being turned away several times before they finally had to go and have a baby in a barn. Or manger, whatever. That baby ended up being the son of God and everyone who turned them away ended up feeling pretty stupid. I know they weren't refugees, they were traveling for a census or something, but still. I'm also pretty sure there's something about how Jesus was pretty big on welcoming everyone to him like family, especially the people that nobody liked, like the whores and the lepers. "Oh but Christians don't commit large scale acts of violence". Ummm.....have you even heard of the Crusades? Christians went around murdering everyone they could find in the name of our Lord and Savior. It was not great. And if that's a little bit too much time for you to wrap your head around, let's hit up a little more recent history. Remember when the KKK was feeling real racist and feisty and started burning crosses in yards and beating the shit out of/murdering black people?!?!? They all said they were Christians, so get out of here with that fucked up logic. Christians can also be really mean and violent. Oh and another thing. A pretty significant amount of the people who live here have ancestors who came to this country so they could freely practice their religious beliefs without the fear of getting imprisoned or killed. Saying that only Christians can come into this country is like the exact opposite of that idea, ya big dumb dummies. And isn't there a golden rule of "do unto others as you would have others do unto you?" I forget the exact wording, but I know that its somewhere in that ballpark.

Another thing, because now I'm just on a roll. A lot of the people saying that we shouldn't let any of the refugees live here because they could be terrorists are the EXACT SAME PEOPLE who get 17 different types of flustered whenever anybody suggests reforming the gun control laws after someone goes and shoots up an elementary school or a movie theatre. "But you can't group all gun owners together!" they cry, clutching their rifles and shotguns to their chests as if they were their first born children, "there are some people who are just crazy! Do not punish us for the actions of one person!" MC-SCUSE ME, BUT ARE YOU LISTENING TO WHAT YOU JUST SAID?! You cannot generalize an entire group of people by claiming that they are all terrorists. That's fucking stupid. It is the exact same thing as saying that every 20 something year old white male who buys a gun is getting ready to go and shoot up a college campus. They're not. I know many 20 something year old males who are responsible gun owners who would never shoot up a shopping center. Not every person who comes from Syria or identifies as a Muslim is a terrorist. How would you feel if I told you that I didn't want you to be in my country because every single person who identifies as a Christian is a racist, bigoted asshole? You would feel bad, and your feelings would be hurt. Don't hurt people's feelings by being a bag of dicks, its not very christian of you. Don't make Jesus regret dying for your sins because you're an asshole.

Finally, there is the argument that the government needs to focus on fixing our internal issues before we go letting other people come to the dinner table. There are a shitload of people in this country who are homeless, and there are a shitload of military veterans that are not getting the care that they need and deserve. I am not arguing those two things, they are hard facts and they are not great. I completely agree that we need to help them, but I don't think helping these people and helping refugees are mutually exclusive. We can help all the people! "But Hannah, I don't want any unskilled refugees coming and taking the job from the hardworking American folks who deserve them!" Holy shit, do you even listen to yourself when you talk?! Who the fuck do you think lives in Syria? Its not backwoods Kentucky, it was a functioning country before all hell broke lose. Its not a flock of illiterate, dead beat dads coming to our country to take your jobs and avoid child support. There are doctors, lawyers, teachers, everyone you cold possibly think of coming over. Its not like a refugee is going to come over and punch you in the face before taking your paychecks. "They are pretty good at fighting riot police in Europe. Why can't they grow some balls and fight for their country like our ancestors did? We are refugeed out." That is something that a real live person said to me on Facebook. Ummm........there's a pretty big difference between standing up to riot police and a full fledged civil war that is backed by a crazy government. I don't know about you, but I don't have the balls to stand up to something like that. In the face of almost certain death, I would do my absolute best to get my family and I the hell out of there. People don't want to let refugees in because our tax dollars would go towards helping them instead of the veterans. Motherfucker, do you even know how taxes work?! A percentage of our taxes already goes towards foreign policy, immigration and amnesty, and another percentage goes towards veterans affairs. Well guess what, assholes, anything we do to help the underprivileged who are already living here is probably going to involve a tax raise of some sort, and that usually gets people just as pissed. You don't want to pay any more in taxes to help the refugees, but you also don't want to pay more to help the vets. So I don't really know what you want. Also, where was this huge desire to help the homeless a month ago? It wasn't there, you guys are just being butt holes.

Everybody has their opinions when it comes to stuff like this. That's fine. In fact, we're all so lucky to be able to express our opinions without fear of getting snatched from our beds in the middle of the night and murdered. We won the geographic lottery. Remember that and be thankful.

Friday, November 13, 2015

What does it mean to be nice?

I work with little kids almost all of the time, so obviously I ask them a lot of questions.  Most of the time I ask them about their favorite movies, favorite things to eat, or what they want to be when they grow up, but last week I asked all of the kids in my swimming lessons what they think it means to be nice. With today's news about the violent attacks in Paris, it seems like a good time to talk about being nice to each other. So here is a little bit of advice from a couple of kids about what it means to be a nice person.  

"Ummm......sometimes I help my mom with stuff". 
-Abigail, age 4

"Yeah, sometimes I clean the TV room for my mom". 
-Oliver, age 4 

"If someone wants to play with you, you should say yes. 
And if someone falls down, you should help them up". 
-Lucas, age 6

"You should say nice things to people. And if you see
someone who looks like they're bored, you 
should ask them to play". 
-Ramsay, age 6 

-Anderson, age 4

"Ummm.........not saying pee or poop to someone". 
-Sophia, age 3 

"Being nice is just saying nice things!" 
-Lola, age 4

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Portland's got problems, yo.

Portland is weird. The people are weird, the weather is weird, and so are the problems. If you don't believe me, here are my three favorite problems that the city of Portland has experienced since I've moved here.


Because Portland still thinks its 1997, last year my neighborhood had a juggalo problem. Yes. Real juggalos, as in the batshit crazy fans of the Insane Clown Posse and also the subject of one of my favorite episodes of Workaholics. So, what do I mean by a juggalo problem? Well, the juggalo family that apparently resides in Northeast Portland ran around leaving these fun fliers (pictured above) posted in the windows of local businesses on my street.
Why did they do this? I'm not 100% certain, but I'm almost positive that it had something to do with gentrification, which has been a pretty big deal in my neighborhood over the last couple of years, with a lot of people getting displaced because the cost of living went up so much due to all of the businesses opening up in the area. As far as I can tell, the Northeast Portland Juggalos were unsuccessful, as all of these local establishments are still there and the juggalos haven't been heard from since. It can only be assumed that they are hiding in their basements listing to ICP, drinking a lot of mountain dew and planning their next attack. 


This is my favorite problem in the history of problems. This summer someone (or possibly a group of someones) ran around Portland tying dildos together and throwing them over power lines. Sort of a Portland twist on the standard shoes over the power line deal. This was no small operation, these dildos were enormous, and there were hundreds of them.  This shit made national news, and the BBC even did a story about it. This whole thing was so baffling to me, because dildos are definitely not cheap. Plus you have to buy them brand new, because its not like there's a sex toys section at Goodwill. Sometimes I think that Portland is a giant performance art piece that I just sort of stumbled into, and nobody has let me in on the joke quite yet. The reaction to this was a solid mix of people (mostly those with small children) thinking that it was completely inappropriate, and others thinking it was hilarious. I fall into the second category of these people; some of these dildos were on a power line down the street from my house and when I saw them one night when I was walking home from a bar I laughed so hard I dropped the sandwich that I was holding. 


*I'm not posting a picture of this one, because I don't have one and also because who wants to look at security camera footage of a dude pooping? *

This problem is super gross. Also over the summer (it was really hot, and apparently the heat makes people in this city go bananas) some dude in Southeast Portland was just running around pooping everywhere he saw fit, which was mostly in front of one specific business. He was caught on camera multiple times, and the newspapers who reported on this story always made sure to mention that he came fully prepared with his own toilet paper, which is my favorite part of this entire thing because it shows that this shit (ha!) was definitely pre-planned. The police got involved, but as far as I know the Portland Pooper remains at large, living his life and pooping wherever and whenever he pleases. 


Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Hannah stands by Planned Parenthood

So Congress just passed a vote to suspend federal financing for Planned Parenthood and I am so angry that I want to go and give Congress one big collective kick to the dick. Since that's not a real thing that I can do, I'm just going to bitch about it on here. I know, you're super excited to know my thoughts on all of this. Its going to be super long, because I have a lot of thoughts on the matter.

I'm going to dive headfirst into this and hit the most controversial topic first. Abortion. Lots of people hate it, and its the main reason that people want Planned Parenthood to shrivel up and die. Let me be clear on this, I am 100% pro-choice. If you want to have an abortion, you should be able to get one safely, and nobody should be able to judge you for your decisions. Because that decision doesn't involve ANYBODY ELSE. Seriously y'all, if a woman that you don't know decides that she is not ready to have a baby and chooses to get an abortion, it has absolutely no impact on your life. The only people involved in that choice should be the woman, the man who she had sex with, and their doctor. YOU DON'T GET TO BE INVOLVED BECAUSE IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. I have no experience with it, but I can't imagine anything more terrifying than an unplanned pregnancy, especially if you're in a situation where you're not emotionally or financially stable enough to take care of a baby. Yes, adoption is a thing, but from what I can tell pregnancy is a nightmare, and a huge inconvenience. If a woman isn't ready to be pregnant, it should be her choice on how to handle the situation. And don't give me that bullshit about how if someone isn't ready to face the consequences of sex then they shouldn't be having it. I can't think of a single guy that I know who is ready to be a dad, but they're all having sex. Sex is awesome. I am sexually active, but I'm also not ready to be a mom. I'm on birth control, but it is not fool proof. Oh and another thing about abortions. If they are made illegal again, its not like people are going to stop having them. They're just going to be waaaaaaaay more sketchy and dangerous. Why is this so hard for people to understand?! Drugs are illegal, but people still do them. Women will still get abortions, but its going to be some back alley shit with hangers and knitting needles and that's not a good look for anyone. Planned Parenthood offers a safe and supportive environment for someone to make a really difficult decision, and then go through with it. My final thought on abortions is one of pure rage, because if you take away a woman's choice when it comes to her right to terminate a pregnancy (before its even a viable fetus) then you are basically giving more rights to a sea monkey than an adult woman, who you then expect to raise a child. THAT IS NOT OK. 

So you don't want to get an abortion, but you still want to have sex without getting pregnant. That's where birth control comes in. Birth control is awesome, but for some reason (religion) a lot of people hate it too. This is mind boggling to me, because if you don't want me to get an abortion but also don't want to give me a way to have safe sex, then I don't really know what you want from me. One of the coolest things about Planned Parenthood is the fact that you can get free birth control, even without insurance. That's awesome, because that shit can get up to $50 per month, which is expensive and dumb. I recently went to Planned Parenthood and got a year's worth of birth control all at one time for free. That is so awesome and convenient. Is Congress going to start paying for my birth control if that goes away?! Unless there is a serious medical discovery soon, this is something that men will never have to deal with, which is why it makes me so angry that a bunch of old men are trying to make it harder to get birth control. And its not even about babies. Birth control can help people with really bad acne, menstrual cramps, and a whole list of stuff. I went to college with a girl who could barely function when she was on her period because her cramps were so bad, but they were soooooooo much better once she got on birth control.

When I was 20, I had an abnormal pap smear. There was a very high possibility that I had cervical cancer, and I had to have a biopsy and a bunch of other tests done. Luckily this was when I was in college, so I had free medical care through the school. But if I wasn't in school, wasn't insured and there was no options like Planned Parenthood? This was already one of the most stressful moments of my life, the added financial burden would have made it a nightmare.  PLANNED PARENTHOOD DOES THAT SHIT FOR FREE, AND IF ITS NOT FREE THEN ITS SUPER AFFORDABLE. Planned Parenthood also provides medical services for low income people that have nothing to do with pregnancy. They test for anemia, do cholesterol screenings, diabetes screenings, flu shots, physicals, thyroid screenings, STD testing,  and bunch of other stuff that I'm too lazy to read off of the website. MEN AND WOMEN CAN BENEFIT FROM PLANNED PARENTHOOD. The medical testing done by Planned Parenthood is awesome, and it is a huge weight taken off of someone's shoulders when they don't have to pay for something. Because when a procedure or a routine test is expensive and you have to decide between that and food or putting gas in the car, chances are you're not going to pick going to the gynecologist's office. This can cause you to miss out on some pretty important health stuff. I don't understand why people want that to be taken away from someone.

Planned Parenthood is so much more than abortions, and I think we should all stand behind them. They offer nothing but love and support to every single person who walks through their doors, why can't we give some of it back?

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Ferris Bueller, You're My Hero

As many of you may have noticed, 2015 has been the year of Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner. Olympic great and former doormat to Kris (secretly wishes her name was still Kardashian) Jenner, Bruce announced earlier this year that he actually identified as a woman, and then revealed the transformation on the cover of Vanity Fair looking absolutely fierce with the headline "Call Me Caitlyn". Two things about this before I get to my point. First, I think its really funny that Kim Kardashian tried to break the internet with a picture of her ass, but her step-dad stomped all over her looking classy as hell. Second, I don't know if it was an intentional jab at the Kardashians, but I like that Caitlyn isn't spelled with a K. Anyway, this announcement and the following photoshoot made the internet go absolutely nuts. Everyone has something to say about it, and the most interesting argument that I've seen is whether Caitlyn is a hero or not. There are some who are applauding her bravery and calling her a hero for anyone who is transgendered or questioning their identity, while others are on the complete opposite side of the spectrum, saying that she is absolutely not a hero and if we want a true definition of bravery we should look at soldiers because how fucking hard is it to put on a dress and a wig? A lot of these angry thoughts are accompanied by this picture, with a caption saying these guys are the true American heroes. I have some issues with this.

When did bravery and heroism become a competition? I'm not saying that soldiers aren't heroes, because they absolutely are, but I don't understand when they became the only ones who were able to hold that title.  My mom is my hero, and she has never served in the armed forces. I don't even know if she's ever held a gun. But she is still a hero to me, because as a single parent she raised both my sister and I to be strong, confident and independent young women. She also runs marathons and rides bikes up mountains. I have friends who have lost siblings, and they are my heroes for handling one of the worst things that can happen to a person with absolute grace, and going on to have happy and successful lives. I know people who are my heroes for having the bravery to come out as gay to their families and friends. My grandpa and one of my dearest friends have both battled and conquered cancer multiple times, and for that they are my heroes. But these people have never gone to war for their country, have never faced grenades or gunfire, still have all of their limbs and no PTSD, so are they not true heroes? Is their bravery worth less because their situations aren't life threatening? Absolutely not, because the term "hero" is completely subjective.

Caitlyn Jenner may not fit the conventional definition of the word, but she is a hero nonetheless. She is a hero to the transgendered community, a hero to people who may not have had anyone to look up to, and a hero for those who are struggling with their own identity issues. I have never had any sort of struggles with my sexuality or gender identity, and I can't imagine the courage it would take to come to not only your family and friends, but also the rest of the world. She is a hero, my mom is a hero, soldiers are heroes. It doesn't fucking matter. Oh, and that picture of the soldiers? Its not even real. Its part of a World War II model that a guy built as therapy to help him after he got beaten into a coma because some guys found out that he was a cross-dresser. Let me repeat that, this picture that people are using to bash a transgendered woman and say she isn't a hero was actually part of something built by a man who was almost beaten to death because he was a cross-dresser. 

Just let that sink in for a minute.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Hannah Runs A 5k

In what can only be described as a sign of impending apocalyptic doom (hope everyone has their shit planned out), I have started to run. Now I know the question on most of your minds is "Hannah, do your legs even work?!" Valid question, my dear reader. As most of you may know, I do not have the greatest track record when it comes functioning as a normal human being on land. I have had one major surgery per leg, one involving a lot of broken bones in my ankle/foot area (the word "shattered" was used) and the other involving the rebuilding and replacing of an entire ligament in my knee. Feet, ankles and knees are incredibly vital to the running process, so its been a little bit of an adventure. But other than a slightly confused Achilles' tendon and one quad being smaller than the other, my legs are pretty much down to clown.

So considering my medical history and the fact that I have repeatedly made my dislike of running known throughout my entire life (my mom is an intense long distance runner, like casually ran a 50k type of intense), why would I start? Good question. The easy answer is that I was just really bored and wanted to see if I could do it, but I'm starting to think it may have also been a subconscious effort on my part to convince my mom that my entire life isn't a confused mess. So a couple of months ago, I jumped on a treadmill at my work. And you know what? I fucking hated it. Seriously, that first mile was the goddamn worst. My knee hurt, my ankle hurt, and I was about 97% sure that my lungs were going to explode and I had just spent the final 10 minutes of my life on a stupid treadmill. The worst part was that I didn't even run the entire thing. Ugh. But I went back. I kept going back and huffing and puffing until I could successfully run 4 miles without stopping. Once I hit that milestone (which was actually a pretty huge moment in my post-injury life) I decided that it was time for me to climb my Everest, also known as running a 5k. So I found one that sounded cool (the Starlight Run), convinced a guy that I work with to run it with me, registered and hoped for the best.

The day of the run came and I was so nervous it was embarrassing. My only goals were to run the entire thing and to not trip and fall down. The run wasn't until 7:45 that night, so I distracted myself by making the greatest Wonder Woman costume in the history of ever. Seriously, I channeled all of my nervous energy into the shirt and it was magical. I met up with the guy I ran it with (he dressed as Aquaman, it was great), we grabbed our bibs, went to the starting line and were ready for business. Now this is not a tiny run. There were an estimated 8,000 (!) participants, and it was right before a parade so there were a shitload of spectators. The airhorn went off and we started running.


In typical Hannah fashion, I was deeply unprepared for this undertaking. The only thing that I had taken into consideration while "training" was the distance that I needed to run. All I cared about was being able to run more than 3.2 miles. Know what I didn't think of? HILLS. Yeah. I forgot to take any sort of topography into consideration, and downtown Portland is not flat. The run started by immediately going uphill and my only thought was "oh goddammit". The second thing that I forgot to consider was air temperature. Running in a gym where there are fans is completely different than running outside. Even though this was an evening run, it was still like 75ยบ out and I was immediately sweating my ass off. To make it even worse, I was wearing wrist cuffs as part of my costume and my forearms became the hottest and most uncomfortable part of my entire body. This is a weird body part  to be acutely aware of, but all I could think of while I was running was my freakishly toasty forearms.   One nice distraction was the crowd. There a bunch of little kids, and I think I gave about 75,000 high fives. One little girl was like "MOM I JUST HIGH FIVED WONDER WOMAN" and I felt like a celebrity. A very tired, very toasty celebrity. Right around mile 2.5 I was like "nope. I am so tired and so hot and my forearms are hot and I'm so tired and there are so many hills and I don't want to do this anymore".

Now I know that you're hanging on the edge of your seat, so I'll end the suspense for you. I didn't walk any of it. Mostly because John (Aquaman) kept yelling at me, but also because I was like "HANNAH 3.2 MILES ISN'T EVEN THAT FAR YOU DUMB BABY". I ran the whole fucking thing in 32 minutes, and  I even picked up the pace and ran really fast across the finish line because I wanted to beat a lady that I had decided looked stupid at the starting line. Plus I didn't fall down, so Team Hannah basically crushed it. 3.2 miles may not seem like much to most people but I'm really proud of myself. After my ankle exploded the doctor and physical therapist were both like "yeah.....you probably won't be able to run again", so being able to do this was pretty cool. You know the craziest part of the entire experience? I am really, really excited to do it again, and possibly run even farther distances one day*. Does that mean I can call myself a runner? Oh my god, I'm turning into my mom.

*It should be noted that my right Achilles tendon is not on board with my desires to run any sort of long distances. It made its displeasure known by locking up all day after I ran which was unfortunate.

Monday, April 13, 2015

Hannah talks to little girls and they are not impressed.

I really haven't been in a blogging mood lately, but this poor little nugget was feeling pretty neglected, so here's a weird conversation I had with one of my swimming lessons today. This class is all girls ages 6-7.

Little girl #1: Is your kid in the pool?

Me: I don't have a kid.

Little girl #1: What?! Why not??

Little girl #2: Its because she's not married! Wait....are you married? Its because she's not married!

Me: No I'm not married.

Little girl #3: Wait why aren't you married?!?

Me: Ummm................because I'm not.

Little girl #2: So are you waiting to have a kid until you're married?

Me: Uhhhh........I......sure?

Little girl #4: Are you going to grow a kid?!?

Me: Umm..............we're going to swim now.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Fifty Shades of Hannah

IMPORTANT: Before I get into this, I want to make something very clear. I have nothing against people who watch porn or read smutty books. I have been known to enjoy both on more than one occasion. And if you're into BDSM, then more power to you.

In 2011 E.L. James wrote a little book called Fifty Shades of Grey, and that shit took the world by storm. The movie comes out on Friday (just in time for Valentine's Day, y'all!) so I wanted to share my thoughts about it.

Full disclosure: I didn't actually read the entire thing. I tried to, but I got to the part where Christian tries to make Anastasia sign a contract for being his sexual partner and I was like "this is the dumbest shit that I have ever read" and I put down the book. But I still wanted to find these super hot sex scenes that everyone was talking about (the one where he took her virginity was not hot, but I'll get back to that in a minute) so I picked it back up and just skipped to all them sexy bits. You know what I learned from my attempts to read this erotic little nugget?


Seriously, what is this shit?!? How did this even become popular?! I don't understand it. From what I can tell, it is very popular with the middle-aged wives demographic. Now I understand that if you've been married for a long time and have had a bunch of kids, your sex life might be tore up from the floor up and you need to find other ways to get your rocks off, but why would you pick this garbage?!?! There are a shitload of reasons as to why I think this book is dumb, but I picked two of them to really focus on. Read, get set, GO!

Whoever it was that told E.L. James that she was a good writer deserves a swift kick to the face. If I had to guess, I would say that Anastasia Steels gasps about 790 times, bites her lip 900 times, and her inner goddess does every single style of dance known to man. Even the sex scenes are so poorly written that its a fucking joke. I don't understand how anybody can get turned on by this nonsense. Here are some of my favorite examples:

Anastasia gives Christian a blow job:
"He's my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle. I suck harder and harder....my inner goddess is doing the Merengue with some salsa moves". (Fifty Shades of Grey) 

Christian's considerable length:
"Suddenly, he sits up and tugs my panties off and and throws them on the floor. Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow!...He kneels up and pulls a condom onto his considerable length. Oh no...Will it? How?" (Fifty Shades of Grey) 

Oof. Be still my beating heart. I need to take a cold shower. HAHA JUST KIDDING. Who thinks this stuff is hot?! All I can picture is E.L. sitting in front of her computer with a glass of wine being like "hottest way to describe a blow job? HUMAN POPSICLE. Best phrase to describe the shock of realizing the guy you're about to sleep with has a huge dick? HOLY COW." Then she sips her wine and congratulates herself on being the smutty voice of a generation. Has she ever actually had sex before? Considering this nonsense started as Twilight fan-fiction (not even kidding), I don't think that she has. Pretty sure she watched Secretary and was like "oh......so that's how that works".

Oh and a bunch of other stuff in the book is absolute bullshit. Like Anastasia never having an email address or owning a laptop? Bitch you majored in journalism. How the fuck did you get through college with no email address?! Did your professors send you letters? That's not a real thing, E.L. James. You are stupid.

All jokes aside, this is what truly kills me when it comes to this book. Shame on E.L. James for making people think a crazy and abusive man is their dream guy, and for making people think that any of the stuff he does is OK in a normal and healthy relationship. I am 100% serious when I say that I don't understand why people are in any way attracted to Christian Grey. "But Hannah! He's so hot and he doesn't let anything get in the way of how much he wants Anastasia! He knows exactly what he wants and he goes for it! That's so sexy!" Uhhhhh no. Definitely not the way he goes about it. For starters, he stalks her. CHRISTIAN GREY IS A STALKER. He shows up at her work, knows where she lives without her telling him and admits to tracing her phone so he could figure out what bar she's at when she calls him drunk. Excuse me, what now? That shit is not sexy, its a fucking crime. You tracing my phone doesn't make me want to have sex with you, it makes me want to file a restraining order against you.

Somehow Anastasia moves past the stalking and gets into the world's most one-sided relationship with Mr. Grey, and that's where the real fun starts. Our girl Ana loses the big V to Christian, and all it does is prove how big of an ass wipe he is. Any girl who is sexually active can back me up on this: losing your virginity is not great. Its awkward and it hurts. Someone as sexually experienced as Christian Grey should know that, right? He should know that if he's having sex with someone who is completely inexperienced that he should be sweet and gentle, right? NOPE. He knows that he can't have his crazy kink sex with a virgin, so he uses the first time as the means to an end. The book literally describes it as him "ripping through her virginity". Ew. And more importantly, RUDE. Sex should be about the pleasure and comfort of both people participating, not just one. That brings me to the next point.

BDSM is obviously a huge part of the book. There are people in the world who are into some kinky shit, and that's fine. But you know what the number one rule of the BDSM community is? EVERYONE HAS TO GIVE CONSENT, AND EVERYONE NEEDS TO FEEL SAFE. I guess that's technically two rules, but whatever. There's a part in the book where Christian and Anastasia are going at it and Ana starts to feel a little uncomfortable with the whole thing, so she uses her safe word so he'll stop. And does Christian Grey honor this because he's a respectful partner who is worried about the safety and comfort of a woman he claims to love? NO HE DOES NOT. He keeps right on going, and then afterwards says that he knew that if he kept going that Anastasia would learn to enjoy it, because he knows her body better than she does. FUCK THAT. FUCK THAT. FUCK THAT. You guys seriously think that's hot?!?!? As soon as he ignored that safe word it became sexual assault because she was no longer consenting to what was happening. You know what's sexy? Consent. You know what's not sexy? Sexual assault. You ready for another quote from this cluster fuck?

" 'No' I protest, trying to kick him off. He stops. 'If you struggle, I'll tie your feet too. If you make a noise, Anastasia, I will gag you". (Fifty Shades of Grey) 

WHAT. Don't get me wrong, it can be really hot when a guy gets a little dominant in bed. But there is a fine line between dominant and rapey. Actually, there's not a fine line. There is a gigantic line that is drawn in one of those space pens that never comes out of anything. That line is where you stop when someone says no. As soon as you cross that line, it becomes assault. Oh but wait, that threat is suuuuuper hot. I sure hope I find someone as romantic as Christian Grey.

Not only is Mr. Grey getting all nice and sexual assault-y, he also has a casual little surge of actual violence coursing through him. At one point Christian finds out that Anastasia had met up with her friend Jose, and he gets so mad that he threatens to actually slap her. Like not in a sexual way, just in a "I'm pissed off at you and if you had come over here yesterday I would have slapped the absolute shit out of you" kind of way. So sexy, excuse me while I go find a mop because I just melted into a giant puddle all over my floor. Except I didn't, because if the person who is supposed to love and treasure you above all else tells you that he would have been fine with causing you physical harm because he was angry and you know that he's fully capable of doing so, you need to get the fuck out of that situation. Seriously, you can come and stay at my house.

There are so many other examples of shit like this in the book, but I'm getting tired and angrier the longer that I write it, so I think I'm going to wrap it up. I'm not saying you should boycott the movie. I'm certainly not going to see it, but if that's something you want to do, then more power to you. But while you're watching it, I want you to think about something. Is this the kind of relationship that you want the young women in your lives to fantasize about and strive for?

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Hannah's got a lot of feelings

I am cool with people having their own opinions on stuff. We are so lucky to live in a country where we are able to freely express our thoughts and feelings towards things, and that's awesome. But there are four things in life that you will never be able to change my mind on, and if you disagree with me I believe to the absolute core of my being that you're wrong, and it will probably change how I view you as a person. That being said, here are those things because I know the suspense is killing you.

1. Sexual orientation shouldn't matter when it comes to marriage (or anything else, really). 
Can someone please explain to me how this effects you? Like how a man getting married to another man or a woman marrying a woman personally effects you. Explain to me how it has any sort of impact on your life. I mean, do glitter cannons explode in your house and rainbow banners magically appear each time an LGBT couple gets married? Because I could see how that could get annoying. But if that doesn't happen then I'm going to need you to be quiet. Oh and people who quote the Bible for this need to calm the fuck down because the Bible also says that women who have sex before marriage should be killed and that you shouldn't wear mixed fabric clothing. So unless you're going to start murdering women who have had premarital sex and stop wearing cotton-polyester blends, shut the fuck up and let everyone marry whomever they want. Marriage should be between two people who love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together, and gender shouldn't be any sort of factor. Kim Kardashian was married for 72 days and spent enough money on that wedding to pay off the student loan debts of every single person that I know and yet two dudes getting married ruins the sanctity of marriage. SO STUPID. 

2. Women should have absolute control over their bodies. 
Here's the thing that gets me with abortions. If they become illegal (again), its not like that's going to stop women from getting them. It'll just make it 10000x sketchier. Back Alley Abortions is not just a shitty band name, its an actual thing and they are not great. Remember that scene in Dirty Dancing when Penny gets the abortion and Patrick Swayze's short friend is trying to describe what happened and he's freaking out about dirty tables and coat hangers and how Penny was screaming and he couldn't help her? Then she looked like absolute death and Baby's dad had to go and save her? THAT IS GOING TO BE REAL LIFE AGAIN IF ABORTIONS BECOME ILLEGAL. Seriously, why is this so hard for everyone to understand?! Also, chill the fuck out with guilting women over the abortions that they have chosen to get. Unless you are the one whose sperm helped create that fetus, her decision about getting an abortion doesn't concern you at all. AT. ALL. So get out of here. Especially if you're a man. There is almost nothing in the world that annoys me more than a man bitching about abortions being the worst thing ever. You can't ever have your life and body completely fucked by an unexpected pregnancy, so get the fuck out of here with that shit.

3. Children should have to be vaccinated. 
I'm about to get so basic with this, because I can't. I can't even. I absolutely cannot with this shit. You know what? If you choose not to vaccinate your kid and then they get some sort of (preventable) disease and die, that's one thing. But if you choose not to vaccinate your kid and another kid gets some sort of (preventable) disease and dies, that makes you responsible for the death of another person's child. There are a lot of kids who can't get vaccinated for legitimate reasons like their immune system being repressed from something like chemo therapy, and do you really want to be the person who is responsible for a doctor having to tell a family that "oh hey yeah your son beat cancer but they're going to die of the measles because little Johnny's parents don't believe in vaccines."?! Do you want to be little Johnny's parents?!? No. Because that makes you the world's biggest asshole. Have you ever heard of this little thing called "herd immunity"? Its where the majority of the group gets vaccinated, which keeps the few who can't be vaccinated (because of age or immune system issues) healthy since nobody gets the infection in the first place. If you take away the vaccines, you take away that safety net for those poor little nuggets. Also nobody can go to Disneyland now because everyone and their mother has the measles, so fuck that noise. And I'll be completely honest, I don't give a shit about your reasons for not vaccinating your child. That stupid doctor who said that vaccines could potentially be responsible for autism retracted his statements, and if you're worried about the long term effects of these things, I'll tell you what they are: YOU DON'T GET A PREVENTABLE DISEASE AND DIE. God. Stop being stupid and get your damn kids vaccinated so the poor kid whose immune system is repressed can go to school without having to worry about getting smallpox or some shit.

4. Predator is the best Arnold movie. 
Do I even have to explain this one? LOOK AT THIS SHIT.