Friday, December 9, 2016

Hannah tries Tinder.

We all know that I don't have very much luck when it comes to love. People who like me tend to be into some sort of criminal activity (my prom date was recently released from jail after serving 8 years for a drug-related murder), people that I like are usually not interested, and during those rare times where the universe aligns and the person that I find attractive also thinks I'm pretty, I never seem to be quite good enough to date. I have had three separate occasions where things seem to be going really well with someone, then they go on some sort of outdoor adventure and at some point during their commune with nature they decide that they are no longer interested. Or they just want to sleep with me for 10 years but then date someone else. Because of this, people have been telling me to try online dating, especially Tinder. I had always refused, since I have never felt the need to include the internet into the clusterfuck that is my love life. Until I got my shelf.

Back in February, I ordered a shelf off of Amazon, because I wanted a little place to store all of the stuff that was on my floor. Apparently I am really bad at knowing how sizes work, because when the shelf got to my house it was in a box that was almost as tall as me. I opened it, and the first thing the instructions said was "shelf requires two or more people to put together". I was in a little bit of a friend drought at that point, so I was like "well......fuck". Then I thought about it a little bit harder and was like "haha that would make a really funny Tinder bio". I then proceeded to leave the pieces of shelf on my floor and go about my day. A week later, I still had shelf pieces on my floor, and I was like "huh. I wonder if I really could get someone off of Tinder to build me a shelf. And maybe get a boyfriend out of it. Or at least meet someone cool. Even if that doesn't work, at least it'll be a really funny story". So with visions of sexy construction workers dancing in my head, I set up my profile, and all I put in the bio was "I bought a shelf that requires two people to put together, so if someone could help me out that would be great". Then I started swiping.....

[Pause for dramatic effect]  

Holy shit y'all, I hate Tinder. This app is the worst. First of all, it showed me how disgustingly shallow I am. I very well could have swiped left on my soulmate, but I would have no idea because his face didn't catch my attention in the first .07 seconds of seeing his profile. Seriously, I didn't even look at the bio unless I decided the person was attractive. It also gave me a weird sense of power, so I would start flying through them, swiping left just for the sake of swiping; but at the same time I wanted to personally apologize  and assure all of them that they would find a different girl who would love them for who they were. It was very weird. I also didn't really understand how it worked, so I kept accidentally super liking people that I didn't even mean to match with, or I would get so into swiping that I would accidentally swipe left on a babe and then be super grumpy about the entire thing. Plus the people who liked me tended to look just a little bit off, like they had a weird week back in 2007 where they had casually dabbled with meth. One excellent example of this is Michael (age 30)  who used his mugshot as a profile picture and said he was a "professional at pretending things are wonderful". I'm pretty sure Michael had done a little bit more than casually dabbling in meth.

The people that I matched with really didn't end up being any better. A surprising amount of people thought that "help me build my shelves" was a code for some sort of sex thing, and others were super judgmental, telling me that "assembling stuff from Ikea really isn't that difficult". Then I had to be like "um ok thanks it's not even from Ikea". My personal favorite response was from some guy who told me that he would help me with my shelves on the condition that one of us would be "in the nude". His words, not mine. I politely declined, because naked construction seems awkward and potentially dangerous, since there is a lot of possibility for pinching. Then he told me that I obviously was not very committed to getting my shelves built and I was like "boy bye". I had all but given up hope when I finally matched with Matt (not his actual name, but I'm not changing it to protect his privacy, I just don't remember what his name was) who seemed super cute and incredibly normal. We talked for a little bit, then decided to meet up for dinner the next day. The date was............fine. There was no spark, but he seemed like a nice guy and he said that he would call me so he could help me with my shelves that weekend. Remember, this was in February. The next time I heard from him was when he texted me in June asking if I still needed help with my construction needs. 

In case anyone is wondering, I ended up deleting Tinder and just put the shelves together by myself because I am a strong, independent woman who don't need no man. 


Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Hannah talks about the refugees

Since ISIS has taken responsibility for the recent terrorist attack in Paris, the United States has been pretty hot and bothered about whether or not to let Syrian refugees into the country. A lot of people are solidly against letting any of the refugees in, because they do not want a terrorist attack to take place on our soil. Others are suggesting that we only let the Christian Syrians in, because they're the only ones who can be trusted. I have also heard (well, seen on Facebook) people say that not a single person should be let in from another country because why the fuck are we going to give a potential terrorist shelter when we can't even get it together enough to take care of all of the homeless veterans on our streets? While all of these pretend to be solid arguments, I to would like to throw my hat into the proverbial ring, so here is how I feel about the whole deal:

 Oh my god, I am surrounded by idiots.

SERIOUSLY. People who are saying any of the above arguments (I am including everyone in this. Facebook friends, strangers, politicians, every single person) are so dumb I can't even deal with it. Have you all forgotten the history of the country you claim to love so goddamn much?! WE ARE A COUNTRY FOUNDED BY REFUGEES AND IMMIGRANTS. Unless your family is 100% Native American, you have absolutely no right to say anything bad about people from other countries coming to live here. I mean for fuck's sake. Everyone is bitching about these people coming over and taking our jobs and fucking up our lives, when that is exactly what we did! Except we put the icing on the cake by casually murdering the hell out of all of the Native Americans because we decided that we needed to own all of the things and they looked stupid. Again, unless you are 100% Native American with absolutely 0% European ancestry, you don't get to complain about other people coming into this country. My family came over here to escape some unpleasant shit, I'm sure yours did too. Why are we denying the Syrians that same luxury? "Oh sorry guy, my family got to come over here to escape death, but I'm going to need you to stay put because I am a mean person". Have you even seen the sign that is on the Statue of Liberty?! It welcomes everyone. It is a big old welcome mat to the United States of America. And before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, I feel the exact same way towards Mexican immigrants. I say when it comes to America, the more the merrier.

To the people who say that only Syrians who prove their christian faith can stay, Jesus would punch you in the face if he were here, because you are too goddamn dumb for words. Well maybe he wouldn't punch you, but he would be super disappointed in how you are choosing to show your faith. I am not religious, but I seem to remember a story of a couple trying to find a place to stay and being turned away several times before they finally had to go and have a baby in a barn. Or manger, whatever. That baby ended up being the son of God and everyone who turned them away ended up feeling pretty stupid. I know they weren't refugees, they were traveling for a census or something, but still. I'm also pretty sure there's something about how Jesus was pretty big on welcoming everyone to him like family, especially the people that nobody liked, like the whores and the lepers. "Oh but Christians don't commit large scale acts of violence". Ummm.....have you even heard of the Crusades? Christians went around murdering everyone they could find in the name of our Lord and Savior. It was not great. And if that's a little bit too much time for you to wrap your head around, let's hit up a little more recent history. Remember when the KKK was feeling real racist and feisty and started burning crosses in yards and beating the shit out of/murdering black people?!?!? They all said they were Christians, so get out of here with that fucked up logic. Christians can also be really mean and violent. Oh and another thing. A pretty significant amount of the people who live here have ancestors who came to this country so they could freely practice their religious beliefs without the fear of getting imprisoned or killed. Saying that only Christians can come into this country is like the exact opposite of that idea, ya big dumb dummies. And isn't there a golden rule of "do unto others as you would have others do unto you?" I forget the exact wording, but I know that its somewhere in that ballpark.

Another thing, because now I'm just on a roll. A lot of the people saying that we shouldn't let any of the refugees live here because they could be terrorists are the EXACT SAME PEOPLE who get 17 different types of flustered whenever anybody suggests reforming the gun control laws after someone goes and shoots up an elementary school or a movie theatre. "But you can't group all gun owners together!" they cry, clutching their rifles and shotguns to their chests as if they were their first born children, "there are some people who are just crazy! Do not punish us for the actions of one person!" MC-SCUSE ME, BUT ARE YOU LISTENING TO WHAT YOU JUST SAID?! You cannot generalize an entire group of people by claiming that they are all terrorists. That's fucking stupid. It is the exact same thing as saying that every 20 something year old white male who buys a gun is getting ready to go and shoot up a college campus. They're not. I know many 20 something year old males who are responsible gun owners who would never shoot up a shopping center. Not every person who comes from Syria or identifies as a Muslim is a terrorist. How would you feel if I told you that I didn't want you to be in my country because every single person who identifies as a Christian is a racist, bigoted asshole? You would feel bad, and your feelings would be hurt. Don't hurt people's feelings by being a bag of dicks, its not very christian of you. Don't make Jesus regret dying for your sins because you're an asshole.

Finally, there is the argument that the government needs to focus on fixing our internal issues before we go letting other people come to the dinner table. There are a shitload of people in this country who are homeless, and there are a shitload of military veterans that are not getting the care that they need and deserve. I am not arguing those two things, they are hard facts and they are not great. I completely agree that we need to help them, but I don't think helping these people and helping refugees are mutually exclusive. We can help all the people! "But Hannah, I don't want any unskilled refugees coming and taking the job from the hardworking American folks who deserve them!" Holy shit, do you even listen to yourself when you talk?! Who the fuck do you think lives in Syria? Its not backwoods Kentucky, it was a functioning country before all hell broke lose. Its not a flock of illiterate, dead beat dads coming to our country to take your jobs and avoid child support. There are doctors, lawyers, teachers, everyone you cold possibly think of coming over. Its not like a refugee is going to come over and punch you in the face before taking your paychecks. "They are pretty good at fighting riot police in Europe. Why can't they grow some balls and fight for their country like our ancestors did? We are refugeed out." That is something that a real live person said to me on Facebook. Ummm........there's a pretty big difference between standing up to riot police and a full fledged civil war that is backed by a crazy government. I don't know about you, but I don't have the balls to stand up to something like that. In the face of almost certain death, I would do my absolute best to get my family and I the hell out of there. People don't want to let refugees in because our tax dollars would go towards helping them instead of the veterans. Motherfucker, do you even know how taxes work?! A percentage of our taxes already goes towards foreign policy, immigration and amnesty, and another percentage goes towards veterans affairs. Well guess what, assholes, anything we do to help the underprivileged who are already living here is probably going to involve a tax raise of some sort, and that usually gets people just as pissed. You don't want to pay any more in taxes to help the refugees, but you also don't want to pay more to help the vets. So I don't really know what you want. Also, where was this huge desire to help the homeless a month ago? It wasn't there, you guys are just being butt holes.

Everybody has their opinions when it comes to stuff like this. That's fine. In fact, we're all so lucky to be able to express our opinions without fear of getting snatched from our beds in the middle of the night and murdered. We won the geographic lottery. Remember that and be thankful.

Friday, November 13, 2015

What does it mean to be nice?

I work with little kids almost all of the time, so obviously I ask them a lot of questions.  Most of the time I ask them about their favorite movies, favorite things to eat, or what they want to be when they grow up, but last week I asked all of the kids in my swimming lessons what they think it means to be nice. With today's news about the violent attacks in Paris, it seems like a good time to talk about being nice to each other. So here is a little bit of advice from a couple of kids about what it means to be a nice person.  

"Ummm......sometimes I help my mom with stuff". 
-Abigail, age 4

"Yeah, sometimes I clean the TV room for my mom". 
-Oliver, age 4 

"If someone wants to play with you, you should say yes. 
And if someone falls down, you should help them up". 
-Lucas, age 6

"You should say nice things to people. And if you see
someone who looks like they're bored, you 
should ask them to play". 
-Ramsay, age 6 

-Anderson, age 4

"Ummm.........not saying pee or poop to someone". 
-Sophia, age 3 

"Being nice is just saying nice things!" 
-Lola, age 4

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Portland's got problems, yo.

Portland is weird. The people are weird, the weather is weird, and so are the problems. If you don't believe me, here are my three favorite problems that the city of Portland has experienced since I've moved here.


Because Portland still thinks its 1997, last year my neighborhood had a juggalo problem. Yes. Real juggalos, as in the batshit crazy fans of the Insane Clown Posse and also the subject of one of my favorite episodes of Workaholics. So, what do I mean by a juggalo problem? Well, the juggalo family that apparently resides in Northeast Portland ran around leaving these fun fliers (pictured above) posted in the windows of local businesses on my street.
Why did they do this? I'm not 100% certain, but I'm almost positive that it had something to do with gentrification, which has been a pretty big deal in my neighborhood over the last couple of years, with a lot of people getting displaced because the cost of living went up so much due to all of the businesses opening up in the area. As far as I can tell, the Northeast Portland Juggalos were unsuccessful, as all of these local establishments are still there and the juggalos haven't been heard from since. It can only be assumed that they are hiding in their basements listing to ICP, drinking a lot of mountain dew and planning their next attack. 


This is my favorite problem in the history of problems. This summer someone (or possibly a group of someones) ran around Portland tying dildos together and throwing them over power lines. Sort of a Portland twist on the standard shoes over the power line deal. This was no small operation, these dildos were enormous, and there were hundreds of them.  This shit made national news, and the BBC even did a story about it. This whole thing was so baffling to me, because dildos are definitely not cheap. Plus you have to buy them brand new, because its not like there's a sex toys section at Goodwill. Sometimes I think that Portland is a giant performance art piece that I just sort of stumbled into, and nobody has let me in on the joke quite yet. The reaction to this was a solid mix of people (mostly those with small children) thinking that it was completely inappropriate, and others thinking it was hilarious. I fall into the second category of these people; some of these dildos were on a power line down the street from my house and when I saw them one night when I was walking home from a bar I laughed so hard I dropped the sandwich that I was holding. 


*I'm not posting a picture of this one, because I don't have one and also because who wants to look at security camera footage of a dude pooping? *

This problem is super gross. Also over the summer (it was really hot, and apparently the heat makes people in this city go bananas) some dude in Southeast Portland was just running around pooping everywhere he saw fit, which was mostly in front of one specific business. He was caught on camera multiple times, and the newspapers who reported on this story always made sure to mention that he came fully prepared with his own toilet paper, which is my favorite part of this entire thing because it shows that this shit (ha!) was definitely pre-planned. The police got involved, but as far as I know the Portland Pooper remains at large, living his life and pooping wherever and whenever he pleases. 


Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Hannah stands by Planned Parenthood

So Congress just passed a vote to suspend federal financing for Planned Parenthood and I am so angry that I want to go and give Congress one big collective kick to the dick. Since that's not a real thing that I can do, I'm just going to bitch about it on here. I know, you're super excited to know my thoughts on all of this. Its going to be super long, because I have a lot of thoughts on the matter.

I'm going to dive headfirst into this and hit the most controversial topic first. Abortion. Lots of people hate it, and its the main reason that people want Planned Parenthood to shrivel up and die. Let me be clear on this, I am 100% pro-choice. If you want to have an abortion, you should be able to get one safely, and nobody should be able to judge you for your decisions. Because that decision doesn't involve ANYBODY ELSE. Seriously y'all, if a woman that you don't know decides that she is not ready to have a baby and chooses to get an abortion, it has absolutely no impact on your life. The only people involved in that choice should be the woman, the man who she had sex with, and their doctor. YOU DON'T GET TO BE INVOLVED BECAUSE IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. I have no experience with it, but I can't imagine anything more terrifying than an unplanned pregnancy, especially if you're in a situation where you're not emotionally or financially stable enough to take care of a baby. Yes, adoption is a thing, but from what I can tell pregnancy is a nightmare, and a huge inconvenience. If a woman isn't ready to be pregnant, it should be her choice on how to handle the situation. And don't give me that bullshit about how if someone isn't ready to face the consequences of sex then they shouldn't be having it. I can't think of a single guy that I know who is ready to be a dad, but they're all having sex. Sex is awesome. I am sexually active, but I'm also not ready to be a mom. I'm on birth control, but it is not fool proof. Oh and another thing about abortions. If they are made illegal again, its not like people are going to stop having them. They're just going to be waaaaaaaay more sketchy and dangerous. Why is this so hard for people to understand?! Drugs are illegal, but people still do them. Women will still get abortions, but its going to be some back alley shit with hangers and knitting needles and that's not a good look for anyone. Planned Parenthood offers a safe and supportive environment for someone to make a really difficult decision, and then go through with it. My final thought on abortions is one of pure rage, because if you take away a woman's choice when it comes to her right to terminate a pregnancy (before its even a viable fetus) then you are basically giving more rights to a sea monkey than an adult woman, who you then expect to raise a child. THAT IS NOT OK. 

So you don't want to get an abortion, but you still want to have sex without getting pregnant. That's where birth control comes in. Birth control is awesome, but for some reason (religion) a lot of people hate it too. This is mind boggling to me, because if you don't want me to get an abortion but also don't want to give me a way to have safe sex, then I don't really know what you want from me. One of the coolest things about Planned Parenthood is the fact that you can get free birth control, even without insurance. That's awesome, because that shit can get up to $50 per month, which is expensive and dumb. I recently went to Planned Parenthood and got a year's worth of birth control all at one time for free. That is so awesome and convenient. Is Congress going to start paying for my birth control if that goes away?! Unless there is a serious medical discovery soon, this is something that men will never have to deal with, which is why it makes me so angry that a bunch of old men are trying to make it harder to get birth control. And its not even about babies. Birth control can help people with really bad acne, menstrual cramps, and a whole list of stuff. I went to college with a girl who could barely function when she was on her period because her cramps were so bad, but they were soooooooo much better once she got on birth control.

When I was 20, I had an abnormal pap smear. There was a very high possibility that I had cervical cancer, and I had to have a biopsy and a bunch of other tests done. Luckily this was when I was in college, so I had free medical care through the school. But if I wasn't in school, wasn't insured and there was no options like Planned Parenthood? This was already one of the most stressful moments of my life, the added financial burden would have made it a nightmare.  PLANNED PARENTHOOD DOES THAT SHIT FOR FREE, AND IF ITS NOT FREE THEN ITS SUPER AFFORDABLE. Planned Parenthood also provides medical services for low income people that have nothing to do with pregnancy. They test for anemia, do cholesterol screenings, diabetes screenings, flu shots, physicals, thyroid screenings, STD testing,  and bunch of other stuff that I'm too lazy to read off of the website. MEN AND WOMEN CAN BENEFIT FROM PLANNED PARENTHOOD. The medical testing done by Planned Parenthood is awesome, and it is a huge weight taken off of someone's shoulders when they don't have to pay for something. Because when a procedure or a routine test is expensive and you have to decide between that and food or putting gas in the car, chances are you're not going to pick going to the gynecologist's office. This can cause you to miss out on some pretty important health stuff. I don't understand why people want that to be taken away from someone.

Planned Parenthood is so much more than abortions, and I think we should all stand behind them. They offer nothing but love and support to every single person who walks through their doors, why can't we give some of it back?

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Ferris Bueller, You're My Hero

As many of you may have noticed, 2015 has been the year of Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner. Olympic great and former doormat to Kris (secretly wishes her name was still Kardashian) Jenner, Bruce announced earlier this year that he actually identified as a woman, and then revealed the transformation on the cover of Vanity Fair looking absolutely fierce with the headline "Call Me Caitlyn". Two things about this before I get to my point. First, I think its really funny that Kim Kardashian tried to break the internet with a picture of her ass, but her step-dad stomped all over her looking classy as hell. Second, I don't know if it was an intentional jab at the Kardashians, but I like that Caitlyn isn't spelled with a K. Anyway, this announcement and the following photoshoot made the internet go absolutely nuts. Everyone has something to say about it, and the most interesting argument that I've seen is whether Caitlyn is a hero or not. There are some who are applauding her bravery and calling her a hero for anyone who is transgendered or questioning their identity, while others are on the complete opposite side of the spectrum, saying that she is absolutely not a hero and if we want a true definition of bravery we should look at soldiers because how fucking hard is it to put on a dress and a wig? A lot of these angry thoughts are accompanied by this picture, with a caption saying these guys are the true American heroes. I have some issues with this.

When did bravery and heroism become a competition? I'm not saying that soldiers aren't heroes, because they absolutely are, but I don't understand when they became the only ones who were able to hold that title.  My mom is my hero, and she has never served in the armed forces. I don't even know if she's ever held a gun. But she is still a hero to me, because as a single parent she raised both my sister and I to be strong, confident and independent young women. She also runs marathons and rides bikes up mountains. I have friends who have lost siblings, and they are my heroes for handling one of the worst things that can happen to a person with absolute grace, and going on to have happy and successful lives. I know people who are my heroes for having the bravery to come out as gay to their families and friends. My grandpa and one of my dearest friends have both battled and conquered cancer multiple times, and for that they are my heroes. But these people have never gone to war for their country, have never faced grenades or gunfire, still have all of their limbs and no PTSD, so are they not true heroes? Is their bravery worth less because their situations aren't life threatening? Absolutely not, because the term "hero" is completely subjective.

Caitlyn Jenner may not fit the conventional definition of the word, but she is a hero nonetheless. She is a hero to the transgendered community, a hero to people who may not have had anyone to look up to, and a hero for those who are struggling with their own identity issues. I have never had any sort of struggles with my sexuality or gender identity, and I can't imagine the courage it would take to come to not only your family and friends, but also the rest of the world. She is a hero, my mom is a hero, soldiers are heroes. It doesn't fucking matter. Oh, and that picture of the soldiers? Its not even real. Its part of a World War II model that a guy built as therapy to help him after he got beaten into a coma because some guys found out that he was a cross-dresser. Let me repeat that, this picture that people are using to bash a transgendered woman and say she isn't a hero was actually part of something built by a man who was almost beaten to death because he was a cross-dresser. 

Just let that sink in for a minute.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Hannah Runs A 5k

In what can only be described as a sign of impending apocalyptic doom (hope everyone has their shit planned out), I have started to run. Now I know the question on most of your minds is "Hannah, do your legs even work?!" Valid question, my dear reader. As most of you may know, I do not have the greatest track record when it comes functioning as a normal human being on land. I have had one major surgery per leg, one involving a lot of broken bones in my ankle/foot area (the word "shattered" was used) and the other involving the rebuilding and replacing of an entire ligament in my knee. Feet, ankles and knees are incredibly vital to the running process, so its been a little bit of an adventure. But other than a slightly confused Achilles' tendon and one quad being smaller than the other, my legs are pretty much down to clown.

So considering my medical history and the fact that I have repeatedly made my dislike of running known throughout my entire life (my mom is an intense long distance runner, like casually ran a 50k type of intense), why would I start? Good question. The easy answer is that I was just really bored and wanted to see if I could do it, but I'm starting to think it may have also been a subconscious effort on my part to convince my mom that my entire life isn't a confused mess. So a couple of months ago, I jumped on a treadmill at my work. And you know what? I fucking hated it. Seriously, that first mile was the goddamn worst. My knee hurt, my ankle hurt, and I was about 97% sure that my lungs were going to explode and I had just spent the final 10 minutes of my life on a stupid treadmill. The worst part was that I didn't even run the entire thing. Ugh. But I went back. I kept going back and huffing and puffing until I could successfully run 4 miles without stopping. Once I hit that milestone (which was actually a pretty huge moment in my post-injury life) I decided that it was time for me to climb my Everest, also known as running a 5k. So I found one that sounded cool (the Starlight Run), convinced a guy that I work with to run it with me, registered and hoped for the best.

The day of the run came and I was so nervous it was embarrassing. My only goals were to run the entire thing and to not trip and fall down. The run wasn't until 7:45 that night, so I distracted myself by making the greatest Wonder Woman costume in the history of ever. Seriously, I channeled all of my nervous energy into the shirt and it was magical. I met up with the guy I ran it with (he dressed as Aquaman, it was great), we grabbed our bibs, went to the starting line and were ready for business. Now this is not a tiny run. There were an estimated 8,000 (!) participants, and it was right before a parade so there were a shitload of spectators. The airhorn went off and we started running.


In typical Hannah fashion, I was deeply unprepared for this undertaking. The only thing that I had taken into consideration while "training" was the distance that I needed to run. All I cared about was being able to run more than 3.2 miles. Know what I didn't think of? HILLS. Yeah. I forgot to take any sort of topography into consideration, and downtown Portland is not flat. The run started by immediately going uphill and my only thought was "oh goddammit". The second thing that I forgot to consider was air temperature. Running in a gym where there are fans is completely different than running outside. Even though this was an evening run, it was still like 75ยบ out and I was immediately sweating my ass off. To make it even worse, I was wearing wrist cuffs as part of my costume and my forearms became the hottest and most uncomfortable part of my entire body. This is a weird body part  to be acutely aware of, but all I could think of while I was running was my freakishly toasty forearms.   One nice distraction was the crowd. There a bunch of little kids, and I think I gave about 75,000 high fives. One little girl was like "MOM I JUST HIGH FIVED WONDER WOMAN" and I felt like a celebrity. A very tired, very toasty celebrity. Right around mile 2.5 I was like "nope. I am so tired and so hot and my forearms are hot and I'm so tired and there are so many hills and I don't want to do this anymore".

Now I know that you're hanging on the edge of your seat, so I'll end the suspense for you. I didn't walk any of it. Mostly because John (Aquaman) kept yelling at me, but also because I was like "HANNAH 3.2 MILES ISN'T EVEN THAT FAR YOU DUMB BABY". I ran the whole fucking thing in 32 minutes, and  I even picked up the pace and ran really fast across the finish line because I wanted to beat a lady that I had decided looked stupid at the starting line. Plus I didn't fall down, so Team Hannah basically crushed it. 3.2 miles may not seem like much to most people but I'm really proud of myself. After my ankle exploded the doctor and physical therapist were both like " probably won't be able to run again", so being able to do this was pretty cool. You know the craziest part of the entire experience? I am really, really excited to do it again, and possibly run even farther distances one day*. Does that mean I can call myself a runner? Oh my god, I'm turning into my mom.

*It should be noted that my right Achilles tendon is not on board with my desires to run any sort of long distances. It made its displeasure known by locking up all day after I ran which was unfortunate.