Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Things I learned in 2013

2013 was a weird year. It wasn't awesome, it wasn't shitty, it was just really bizarre. So here are some things that I learned:

1. Think before you speak 
I've never really had a filter. I usually say what's on my mind, and its a big joke with my family because physically I also have a huge mouth (like it shocks dental health professionals because its gigantic) so it never surprises anyone when I say something ridiculous. I've never had anyone really get mad at me for something that I said until this year. I said something very dumb, and it ruined a relationship I had with someone I cared about a lot as both a lover (God I hate that word, but what else do you call it?) and as a friend. That sucks, but it taught me a lot. So in 2014 I will think before I speak.

2. I am a terrible listener. 
I don't know if its because I'm not in school anymore or what, but holy shit I suck at listening. Its gotten really bad. Like people will be talking to me and I will actively stop listening to them. Then they walk away and I'm like "shit. I hope that wasn't important because I have no idea what they were talking about". I'm no career expert, but I'm going to say that being a good listener is a pretty important life skill, so in 2014 I will work on being a better listener.

3. I am super adaptable. 
Seriously, I'm like a fucking chameleon. You put me into any situation and I will be friends with everyone in about 45 seconds. Ok, that's not true. You put me into any situation and I spend 2-3 days feeling everyone out, then by the end of day 3 I have BFFs. This is an incredibly helpful skill in a work environment, so in 2014 I am not going to be changing a damn thing, and I will try to carry this over into South Dakota. 

4. I am very easy to talk to. 
I realize that this goes against #2, but the majority of the people who talk to me don't know that I stopped listening 5 minutes ago. I don't know what it is about me, but strangers always think that I am the person that they need to tell their stories to. This happened way more often in Hawaii, but it also carried over to work. I've always worked places with a really small staff, and have always been a manager favorite so it never really surprised me when I knew all the work gossip. However, P.F. Chang's has a giant staff and i still knew all the gossip, so in 2014 I will accept the fact that people are always going to want to share things with me, and I will try to be a better listener. 

5. I am not very good at planning. 
This one doesn't really need much of an explanation. Real life, I don't plan shit. When I am asked about my future, my most common answers are "I don't know" and "I'll figure it out". So in 2014 I will try to set some goals for myself. Then possibly achieve them, but really that might be left for 2015. 

6. I am TERRIBLE at being a grown up. 
I'm bad at remembering to call people, I'm bad at remembering to set up appointments, I'm bad at feeding myself…….you get the idea. In college it was always sort of a joke, but 2013 was the year I figured out that I'm like the definition of a lady-child. So in 2014, I will try to be better at being a grownup. 

7. I am bad at taking care of myself. 
Hawaii is an athletic person's paradise (ocean activities, hiking, etc) and I didn't do shit. I mean I swam a lot, but nothing too exciting. So in 2014, I will get my shit together and get back into fighting shape. I mean, I'm in Spearfish, South Dakota. What else am I going to do with my life?

Monday, December 23, 2013


I don't know what to say about this. For my age (23), I have known a shocking amount of people whose siblings have died. They've lost them to everything from suicide to cancer and accidental deaths. Now though, I have a friend whose younger brother is missing.  Ben and I fell out of touch about a year ago, and it has been a hot minute since I talked to Tom, but it still absolutely breaks my heart. 

If you have a sibling, hug them a little tighter tonight and tell them you love them. Also, please send a prayer to whatever god you believe in or a good thought to the universe for Tom and his safe return. 

Thursday, December 12, 2013


Hot damn, sorry that I suck at updating this thing, but my life has been a little bit of a hot mess. Just call me Hannah, captain of the struggle bus. What's been happening? 

1. I don't live in Hawaii anymore. Yeah I know, its really depressing. You have no idea. So why did I leave paradise? Well, turns out its incredibly expensive to live in Honolulu, and while I knew this going in, I sort of ignored it. Long story short, I thought I was a baller and spent all my money. Whomp whomp. I was also missing my family a lot, so when my lease ended I quit my job, packed up all my shit and came back to good old Flagstaff. At some point I'll fill in the little bits of what it means to move from an island to the mainland, because it fucking sucks. Seriously, it was a hot mess. Not a fan. It involved a stupid roommate, spilling the entire liquid contents of the swiffer wipes on my work clothes, being homeless for five days, breaking a lamp, selling my moped, and a whole bunch of other stuff. Also I cried on the airplane, so that was embarrassing. Anyway, Flagstaff is not actually the end of this crazy train. Are you ready? 

2. I am going to be spending an as-of-now-unknown amount of time hanging out with my dad, because I haven't seen him in over a year. So where does Pops live? Wait for it……………….SPEARFISH, SOUTH DAKOTA. No, you didn't read that wrong. I have left the paradise that is Oahu to live in the midwest United States. If that is not the greatest argument for learning to manage your money better, I don't know what is. I am excited to see my dad and his family, but I am not excited to go to South Dakota. The state sucks, but it is what it is. My grandparents own a car dealership, and I think the plan is that I'm going to be working there. So that could be exciting. Hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa I don't know anything about cars other then if you don't remember to get your oil changed your radiator will explode in Butthole, Phoenix. Yeah, that was a thing. 

So. How am I handling being on the mainland? 

Obviously not so well. I went down 70 degrees and up from sea level to 7,000 ft, and my body is handling it with all the grace of an angry toddler. I am really cold, cranky, and I have a terrible cold. Also I am having to get used to things like actually wearing clothes and cold toilet seats. 

So yeah. That's my life. I'm cold. 

Monday, November 18, 2013

Skunks in the Vieja

"Hey Hannah, have you seen Mike?"
"He went running down the street after a skunk that he thought was a cat and now we can't find him."

This is one of my favorite conversations that I have ever had with anyone, and it describes my old living situation better then anything I could ever come up with. The last year and a half of my college career, the house I lived in was ridiculous. It was this really old, rundown house in a neighborhood right off campus called La Plaza Vieja, but we all called it the Vieja. The house opened up into an alleyway, which only added to its ghetto charm. No joke, one part of the directions to my house was "OK, then there's going to be a dumpster on the left side of the road. Turn left into the alley right past it." Hahaha To make it even better, I lived in the house with FOUR BOYS. Yeah, ridiculous is a little bit of an understatement, because they were all out of their goddamn minds. Our neighbors were equally as batshit as we were, which lead to moments like the one above (Mike was very drunk when he went running after the skunk cat). Some of my other favorite Vieja memories:

- The time my roommates brought over a bunch of freshmen and I got really drunk in my kitchen and was mean to them.

- Waking up after getting crazy the night before, and all of us sitting on the porch drinking coffee/tea reevaluating all of our life choices. This happened so much.

- That time Mike gave me a striptease to the lollipop song from "The Wizard of Oz" at like 9 in the morning, and Jordan laughing so hard he puked.

- The pep talk the boys gave me when I came home crying after an International Economics study session convinced I was going to fail college. ("Hannah I know you don't like coffee or whiskey, but I'm going to make you a drink and you're going to drink it and like it.)

- The night after graduation when they all took me out and we got so ridiculous that we got kicked out of Mia's, which I didn't even know was possible, because its the most hipster bar in existence.

- The Annual Plaza Vieja Beerster Egg Hunt. We would decorate beer cans to look like easter eggs and hide them around our yard, the neighbor's yard, and the neighbor's house. There were also various mixed drinks hidden, and it was always really nasty shit like vodka and milk.

- Mike and I in our pretty easter dresses.

- Watching "Friday Night Lights" on Netflix and everyone making fun of me for it, then coming home the next day to find out they had become obsessed with it and watched the entire series in a day.

- Jordan getting kicked out of Ladies 80's and Electric Kingdom every single time we went.

- The bonfires at Cutter and Jordan's house before Jordan moved in with us.

- The fort that we had in the living room for almost two months, until I got really really angry one day and tore it down.

- Stupid Rob sleeping on our couch all the time over the summer, then getting really angry and offended when I asked him if he was homeless. Hahahaha

- That time I came home from work and all the boys were out in the alley by the fence puking their brains out and laughing their asses off at the same time.

- Always getting butterflies in my stomach when I saw Cutter's car in the driveway, because he was so so so hot. And I always looked so so so terrible.

- Drunk Mike. Describing all the reasons Drunk Mike was my favorite would take way too much time.

- That time we all went out, then I had to be at work at 5:30 am and I woke up with my eye swollen shut. I came home from work with my eye still fucked up, Jordan and Mike sitting on the porch really confused and hungover telling me to be careful because there was a strange dog locked in Stu's room.

- All the parties at stoked guy's house.

- Stoked guy telling the whale joke.

- Brandon breaking the hammock.

- Brandon being so sensitive, but all of us loving him because he always cooked for us.

- That time Diego and Jordan ate all of my leftovers, then took me out to dinner to make up for it and were perfect gentlemen. Then we came home and an hour later they were shitfaced on whiskey.

There are so many more, but its almost 1 am here, so I think I'm going to call it quits on this adventure down memory lane. God damn, that house was so much fun.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Frank's adventures on the stairs

Full disclosure: I'm scared of stairs. Yeah, you don't need to tell me how lame that sounds. There is a reason though. When I was 17, I was not paying attention to where I was going and fell down a flight of stairs. I shattered my ankle and broke all the bones across the top of my foot. I had to get surgery, and now have a big ass scar down the side of my right foot, plus four screws and three pins holding my shit together. So yeah, I'm scared of stairs. Its had a weird, long lasting effect on my life. I never run up and down stairs, and I get really really nervous when I have to carry things on stairs and can't see my feet.

OK Hannah, nobody cares about your weird stairs phobia, so why bring it up? Well, the other day at work I had a pretty serious milestone involving my knee, but I'm starting to think that it might only be a big deal because of my issues with stairs. At P.F. Chang's, there is a big staircase. I have to go up and down it a lot, and since I started working there I use the stairs like an old man. In the beginning, I had to hold onto the railing really tight, and put both feet on each step. It was embarrassing, and people would be like "umm……..are you OK?" And I'd be like "umm…..yeah I had knee surgery recently, don't worry about it." Over the last couple months, its gotten better. I don't have to put both feet on each step, but going down the stairs I always had to use the railing. 

NOT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was at work on Thursday, and I had to go upstairs to get something. I went up and came back down, then had to stop in the middle of the restaurant. I couldn't figure out why something felt different, until about 10 seconds later when it hit me. I didn't need to use the railing! WHAT. Just to make sure, I went up and down the stairs a couple more times. Nope, don't need to use the railing. 

I'm so excited, I don't even know what to do. 

GOOD JOB FRANK!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so proud. 

Saturday, November 2, 2013

"Say thank you to naughty Satan"

*I tried to put a picture of the Great Pumpkin here, but my computer is being dumb. Use your imagination.*

I have a weird relationship with Halloween. I love dressing up in costumes, eating ridiculous amounts of candy and going out drinking with all of my friends. Halloween combines all of these things, so obviously its one of my favorite nights of the year. I love the anticipation of having everyone see my costume (even though they're usually really lame), and my absolute favorite part is seeing what everyone else is going to dress up as. I look forward to Halloween every year.

After saying all of that, there's also a small part of me that hates it. I say this because I have literally never had a Halloween go the way I expect it. Depending on what's going on in my life (usually with boys), I always go into the night with some sort of plan for what's going to happen, and those plans never ever happen as I anticipate them. I mean, there was one year in college when my plan was to go to a Halloween party with some friends for a bit, then go to my friend's dorm, and I ended up having to hitch hike home from the party dressed as Batman. Or my freshman year when I accidentally left a party way earlier than everyone else and wandered around campus dressed as a (very cold and drunk) firefighter because I forgot my keys. Or last year, when I thought I was going to hang out with a guy that I worked with (OK let's be honest, I wanted him to kiss me) and I just ended up getting really drunk and running around Waikiki dressed as a ladybug who stole random parts of people's costumes (hilarious). So what happened this year?

Honestly, my plan was to get off work, then go and hang out with some of my friends and wander around Waikiki, probably hit up some bars. Instead, I ended up going to one of my coworker's house and drinking (suuuuper fun), then went to a hotel party that was a TOTAL BUST (actually pretty hilarious in how bad it was) and then ended the night at what was probably the sketchiest bar I have ever been in my life. Its this place called Asylum, and it made the bars from the last post seem like Disneyland. It was ridiculous, and within about 10 minutes of being there, a guy dressed as Batman offered me Molly. I said no thank you. I also didn't end up getting home until about 5:00 this morning, which was very much unexpected. I also didn't eat any candy. In fact, from about 6 pm to 5 am, all I ate was (basically) an entire bag of Tostitos. To be clear though, all I did was drink and eat chips. I didn't do any drugs.

The best part? I never lose my love and excitement for the night. Its like the Peanut's Halloween episode. Linus is always so amped about the Great Pumpkin, and never lets anything get him down. Someday I'll have a Halloween that goes (almost) according to plan. Until then, I'll keep drinking too much and eating too much candy, and having a grand old time.

Oh, in case anyone was wondering, this year I was dressed as a devil. Hence the title. My costume was definitely a little (a lot) slutty, and when I gave a kid a kid's menu at work, her dad was like "say thank you to naughty Satan". He was dressed as a pirate, and it was a really uncomfortable moment.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Surprise Cocaine

I would like to start this post off by saying that I don't do cocaine. I actually don't do any drugs. I don't even like smoking pot because I have a really bizarre reaction to it and everything gets weirdly intense for me. Just wanted to make that clear. If you do drugs, that's your business. Its really not good for you, but you do you boo boo.

Also, this is going to be really long. But nobody reads this, so who gives a shit?


Last night I went out with a girl that I work with (I'll call her K-money), and things got unexpectedly weird. It started out normal enough, we went to Rum Fire and paid way too much money for drinks that barely got us tipsy. Then we decided it was an awesome idea to go to Kelly's. A little background on Kelly's, its only fun if you're borderline blackout wasted. Its always filled with weird old people, you're allowed to smoke in there so it always smells really bad, and its generally just really gross and sketchy. So of course we decided to go there.

While we were at Kelly's two very hairy and enthusiastic Austrian men tried to befriend us. I convinced them that I was a professional Hawaiian surfer and then shut them down, because I'm mean. We also ran into K-money's ex-boyfriend who had blown her off to hang out the past two nights, so when he invited us to go to Rivals (another bar) OF COURSE SHE SAID YES. So we go to Rivals, and it was sooooo dead. There were two guys sitting at the bar, and one of them started talking to me. I told him that I work at P.F. Chang's, and he was like "ohhh........yikes". I was like "umm.......what?" And he goes "Oh well I'm not really a food person".

WHAT. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!? He then tried to recover by saying that he didn't like spending a lot of money on food at restaurants, which resulted in me repeatedly calling him a "cheap anorexic", because if I think you're lame when I'm drunk I will torture you mercilessly. Also I think I'm hilarious, so I will call you names and then laugh at you. Its bad. ANYWAY, the cheap anorexic bought me a shot that I believe was called a Brain, and it was fucking disgusting. It was Bailey's and something else, and I think the Bailey's was supposed to look like a brain, but I kept asking him why the fuck he bought me a shot that had a fetus in it. I am a charming drunk. So while all this is going on, K-money is being all awkward with her ex, until I finally decide the whole situation is ridiculous and we bail.


K-money and I were just kind of wandering around Waikiki trying to figure out what to do next, when we ran into one of our other coworkers, McNasty. As you may be able to tell from the nickname, I am not the biggest fan of this girl, but whatever. She was headed into this really weird bar that's above a pizza place (just figured out tonight that it's called Upstairs. What the shit kind of name is that?!) So we were like "eh what the hell" and went upstairs (pun intended) with her. It was super weird. It was really dark and they were blasting electronic music. That's not the weird part. I actually love electronic music, especially when I've been drinking, because I love really loud shit. Anyway, it was the people that was super weird. You know when you see someone and you're like "man, that person looks like he/she does a lot of drugs in their spare time"? Yeah, it was like that with every single person who was there. K-money and McNasty ran into some of their homies, and I just kind of sat there super awkwardly getting really drunk because I didn't know what else to do. Then everyone went outside.

Here's the scene. Its me, K-money and McNasty, a tall black guy, two local looking guys who I'm pretty sure were brothers, and an Asian dude. We're standing there and all of a sudden the black dude pulls a little baggie out of his pocket. Now I'm trying to play it cool when really in my brain I'm screaming OH HOLY SHIT WHEN DID WE DECIDE THAT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO DO COKE?! Hence the title of this post, SURPRISE COCAINE! I was also pretty surprised, because honestly I thought that of all the places that we were going to go that night, Kelly's would be the place where cocaine would magically appear. They start snorting that shit and offer it to me, and I was like "umm......no thanks". Then one of the brothers goes "Oh. Its cause she graduated college". Doesn't really make sense to me, but whatever. I'll go with it. After a little bit outside, me and my merry band of coke whores went to the bar next door, which I'm about 85% sure is called Mad Dog, but I could be wrong.

We get to Mad Dog, and I became BFF's with the bouncer, because all of my homedogs were ripped on cocaine and were annoying as shit. People were playing beer pong and I believe one of the brothers got kicked out for something, and after about 20 minutes I was completely over it. So now we get to the second part of the story:


There is a cab company here called THE CAB, and here are what I believe the hiring requirements are:

*One must have only a basic grasp of the English language
*One must have a super sketchy driving record
*One must be a giant dickhead
*One must look like they do a lot of drugs

So I'm outside trying to hail a cab, while I'm stumbling around dodging other drunk people and the occasional hooker (true story) and every single cab that stopped for me was from THE CAB. They all pull over, then the driver tells me "NO TAKE CARD!!!" and they zoom off. I honestly thought I was going to have to walk home, and that would have been the worst thing ever because it's like a 45 minute walk to my house. Then the Eco Cab guy showed up. Eco Cab is the exact opposite of THE CAB. They are nice and wonderful. So this guy pulls over, and no shit, I almost started to cry when he said that he accepted cards. I get in and basically profess my love for this random cab driver. I definitely told him (repeatedly) that he was my favorite person in the entire world and that I was going to build a statue that looked like him.

Luckily, he was the nicest cab driver on planet earth, and he just laughed at me and told me I was awesome. I also told him how excited I was to be making it home alive and cocaine free. He was also proud of me, because he was a good guy. 

Here's something fun, tonight before work I went to Starbucks and the barista (baristo? Is there a different word if he's a guy? Whatever, that's totally not important) was also at the super sketchy coke bar. We laughed really awkwardly and he gave me a discount on my drink, so that was neato.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Penthouse penthouse

Last night one of my coworkers had a party at their penthouse (real life, all I could think of was that Workaholics episode where they try to catch the pedophile and he turns out to be the coolest person they'd ever met and offers to take them to a party at the "Penthouse penthouse". I kept saying it twice and nobody got it. ANYWAY), and a bunch of us went and several put their rage faces on. For those of you who don't know, "putting on your rage face" is Hannah-speak for "get incredibly fucked up".

I waited for one of my friends to get off work, so we didn't end up rolling up until a little after 1 am. Since the party started around 10 pm, we were about 15 levels behind everyone else. Everyone was pretty drunk, but one guy in particular was super duper wasted. Like, trying to breakdance to a Bon Iver song wasted. (Fondly known as "white girl wasted") A little background on this kid, he's really really good looking. He's that one guy that every place has where all the girls are like "dayummm................._________ is looking FINE today", and I always try to look a little extra cute when I find out I'm working upstairs on the off chance that he might be working that night.

So hot coworker and I were out on the lanai, and we're talking (he told me that my "internal soul was filled with aloha".....yeah. He was that drunk) and I was only on my second beer, so I was just kind of laughing and going along with it. Then he looks at me and goes "hey can I kiss you?"


There I am, with the hottest person I work with asking if he can kiss me. Unfortunately, he is also wasted, and I am not. It felt too much like I would be weirdly taking advantage of him if I kissed him, so I told him he could kiss me on the cheek, then I went back inside.

OK, cool story bro. What's the point?

Whenever I have mentioned this part of the night, people are like "HANNAH WHAT THE HELL WHY DIDN'T YOU KISS HIM?!" And when I say it was because he was too drunk, I've been met with a resounding "SO WHAT?!"

Is it weird that I didn't let him kiss me? I feel like its standard to hear a story about a guy who either took advantage of the super wasted girl (bad move) or doesn't (good move), but you don't really hear about the opposite situation very much. I don't know, just something that made me think.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

A purse full of lipstick, real life not included.

When I was little, I used to always carry a purse around pretending to be a "big girl". It would just have random stuff that I found around the house in it, usually bits of paper and some toys. Also lipstick. There would always, always be lipstick in my purse because my mom had lipstick in her purse, and I wanted to be just like her. It was almost always a plastic tube of fake lipstick, but the idea was there. I couldn't wait until the day when I would be a real grown up who carried around a purse and wore lipstick and did really cool grownup stuff.

Well here I am some 18-odd years later, five  years past the age where I am legally considered an adult and two years past the age where I can legally drink. I own a purse that I use semi frequently, and if you open it up you will find my wallet, phone, keys (sometimes. Today was not one of those days, I locked myself out. Whoops.), and.............a tube of lipstick in a very pretty shade of mauve (also, what the shit kind of a color name is mauve?! It doesn't even look like a real word). I just realized this the other day and it absolutely blew my mind. Like when people look at me, they see an adult. A grown up woman doing grown up woman stuff carrying around her purse that totally has lipstick in it. There's just one little thing....

I always thought that by the time I had real lipstick in my real purse, I would also have my life together.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Why I shouldn't leave my apartment

Today I had the day off, and I strongly considered staying in all day and watching Netflix. I've been slowly working my way through "Sons Of Anarchy", but after the episode where a neo-Nazi stabs a guy in the eye with a broken mop handle in prison, I switched the the more family friendly "Undercover Bosses". Its amazing, everyone should watch it if they want to feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But then my roommate invited me to go to Waimanalo (a beach here) and I was like "ehhhhh......." she goes "Hannah, if you don't come are you going to actually leave the apartment?" and I realized that I should probably go and get some fresh air.

I decided I should be productive, so first I went to drop off the rent check. I would like to note that I have lived in my building for almost a year now and I still have to put the address of the rental company into my phone to find it. Its literally 5 minutes away from my apartment, and yet I can never remember which street to turn down. So I drop off the rent, then go to the bank to deposit some money. After depositing the money, I decided to go to Buffalo Wild Wings, because that shit is my jam. 

Its like the universe knew that I shouldn't be spending my money on things like B-dubs. While I was being all productive, the weather was beautiful. The second I left the bank to go and pick up my food, it started raining. OK UNIVERSE, I UNDERSTAND THAT I AM FINANCIALLY IRRESPONSIBLE AND NOT A VERY HEALTHY EATER. So I cruise over getting soggier and soggier and I managed to hit every single red light between Safeway and Buffalo Wild Wings. So dumb. While I was stopped at one of the lights, there was a large man on the corner waiting to cross the street wearing a bright yellow shirt. On the shirt was written 

"I LOVE THE SOUND YOU MAKE WHEN YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP".  Underneath that was a happy face with duct tape across the mouth.  

No joke. This man then looks at me, gets a big grin on his face and goes "I LOVE YOU!!!!!!" then starts laughing his ass off, while I sat there waiting for the light to change getting more and more uncomfortable by my new love and the fact that it was raining. 

This is why I hate leaving my apartment. 

On the plus side though, I totally forgot that Buffalo Wild Wings has a wings special on Tuesdays, so I got my wings half off. Which was awesome. 

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Fishing for compliments, or Hannah's a huge bitch.

DISCLAIMERS (On the off hand that anyone actually starts reading this and gets offended, I got my ass covered).

1. If I sound like a huge bitch in this, its because I'm in a terrible mood. Plus if you fall into this category of what I'm describing, this is some shit that you need to hear.

2. I understand that sometimes insecurities can take on a life of their own and turn into something really, really bad. Eating disorders and self harm are no joke and are not to be taken lightly. If you or someone you know is suffering from anything like this, please go get help. There are a lot of people in the world who think you are wonderful. That being said........


Don't get me wrong, everyone on the planet has insecurities, myself included. To name a few: I could certainly stand to lose a couple lbs, I think I'm a really awkward height, my legs are two different sizes because of my knee injury, and don't even get me started on how self-conscious I am about my last name (after 23 years, you'd think I'd be used to it. I'm not). But I would really appreciate it if everyone could just keep their insecurities to themselves.

Like I said above, I know that insecurities can turn into something bad. When I say that I'm annoyed with insecure people, I'm not talking about the ones who hate themselves so much that they hurt their bodies. I'm talking about the really pretty girls who know they're pretty and yet are constantly fishing for compliments.

We all know these girls on Facebook and Instagram. They're the ones who clearly put a lot of effort into their appearance, then post a bunch of pictures of themselves (selfies, if you will) with captions like "Omg I look so terrible!! #nomakeup #ratchet #sogross". Then they get blown up with comments telling them how pretty they are. While these girls are annoying as sin, its the ones who do it in real life that annoy the absolute fuck out of me. For example:

 The girls who have great bodies, put on a dress or something and they say "oh my god I hate wearing this, it makes me look fat." IF YOU THINK THAT SOMETHING MAKES YOU LOOK FAT, THEN DON'T FUCKING WEAR IT. Simple as that. If you have put effort into your appearance, don't devalue yourself by making it sound like you look like shit all the time. You're just making yourself feel bad, and for what? The 3 second high you get when someone tells you you're pretty? THAT IS SOMETHING THAT YOU ALREADY KNOW, YOU JUST NEED TO HEAR SOMEONE ELSE SAY IT. If you have taken the time to make yourself look good, take pride in it! Confidence is sexy, you'll feel better about yourself, and I won't have to hear you bitch about how terrible you don't actually look.

Because honestly, I'm getting so sick of it that I'm going to star agreeing with people. The next time someone bitches to me about how they look fat or ugly, they will get zero compliments from me. I am 100% tapped out. If I think you look nice I will tell you, because I love giving compliments to people, but not if you're fishing for them. Even if I think you look pretty, if you tell me you look like shit I'm going to be like "yup".


Cool as le cucumber

Oh hello there! Here are some cool things that have happened in my life:


I GOT CLEARED TO RUN AND SWIM!!!!! Frank kicks so much ass. Now granted its just freestyle kicking and jogging in a straight line, but its something. Less cool, my physical therapist had me run down and back in the parking lot (40 ft? I don't know, I'm pretty bad at judging distance) and it was rough business. Turns out I'm in really bad shape and pretty bad at running. I don't know what I expected, I mean I've only been running a handful of times since I broke my foot, which happened when I was 17. I'm 23 now, so that's a lot of time spent not running. Whatever, the important thing is that my knee is making some serious progress. I also keep forgetting that I'm actually allowed to kick my legs and whenever I go into the ocean I spend the first couple minutes only using my arms before I remember that I can kick again.

I'M OFFICIALLY DONE WITH PHYSICAL THERAPY!!!!! Speaking of physical therapy, I just realized that in a blog that's supposed to chronicle my recovery from knee surgery I never actually talked about what I did at physical therapy. Whoops. When I first started, it was all about getting my motion back and the swelling down. It was a lot of stretching and a lot of massaging (glorious). Then as my knee grew stronger, other exercises were slowly added until it became a full fledged workout. By the end of the four months I was doing lunges, squats, leg press (160 lbs. with both legs, 80 lbs. single leg), wall sits and balancing exercises. I'm also a lot more confident on stairs, which is pretty nice. I still have a long way to go strength wise, but I just keep telling myself that someday my quads will be the same size and that people really can't tell the difference right now unless they really focus on it.


MY FRIEND NIC CAME TO VISIT!!!!! It was wonderful. We didn't do anything exciting (standard vacation stuff. Drink too much, get too much sun, the usual), but it was so nice having a familiar face around. Nic and I were neighbors in one of the most ridiculous neighborhoods in the world (fondly known as "La Plaza Vieja") and had a couple of classes together. Through Model United Nations, we became pretty good friends. Its awesome to think about how our random "Fat Kid Saturday" hangouts turned into him visiting me in Hawaii. I was sad to see him go.

Last night Clint Eastwood's ex wife came into my work with the University of Hawaii's basketball coach. Turns out they're dating, and Mr. Eastwood is dating the coach's ex wife. So that's bizarre. And tonight the current Miss Hawaii, USA came into the restaurant, along with the gaggle of pageant girls who are vying for the crown this year. Let me tell you, nothing hits the ego quite as hard as greeting a group of beyond gorgeous women when you are sunburnt to within an inch of your life. Always remember to wear your sunscreen, kids. Otherwise you get skin cancer and a bruised ego.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

The Pink Power Ranger

Fact: I am sooooo terrible at being a grown up.

First of all, I live 100% in the moment. I never think about the future. Ever. I didn't even start thinking about where I wanted to go to college until the second semester of my senior year, and then I made the decision by flipping a coin. Same with life after graduating. I had no plans until Easter when I decided on a whim to move to Hawaii with a friend. I also have this weird thing where I'm really bad about remembering to buy things to eat for breakfast. I'll go to the grocery store and come back with $100 worth of things to eat for lunch and dinner, then wake up the next morning and have to go to the coffee shop down the street because I forgot to buy bagels or something.

Speaking of which, I am terrible with money. Back home, I didn't think I was that bad with money. I was never particularly worried. Turned out I was just deluding myself because I rarely had to pay for food. No joke, my grandma's contribution to my education was getting me a meal plan every semester (even when I lived off campus) and if I ran out of swipes or was too lazy to go grocery shopping, I would go to my mom or aunt's house and get something to eat. When I moved to Hawaii, I remembered that I didn't know how to cook, so I spend too much money on take-out. I'm getting a little better, but holy crap. I suck at budgeting. And I am having a hell of a time beating down my Starbucks addiction. Seriously, is there a 12-step program for that business? Money is dumb. I don't understand how people do it.

Careers. Dear Lord, don't even get me started on careers. Growing up, I wanted to be everything on the planet. Astronaut, princess, doctor, writer, actress, musician, ballerina, professional athlete, you name it, I wanted to do it. On paper, it looks like I have aspirations and goals. I have a degrees in both Political Science and International affairs. Obviously with degrees like that, I have plans, right? Nope. Not even a little bit. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. I've thought of so many possibilities, but nothing has really jumped out at me. Foreign Service Officer with the State Department? Meh. Work for the United Nations? Nah, they don't accomplish much. Go to law school and become a lawyer? Maybe. Go to grad school? Probably should. Want to know what the last thing that I knew without one tiny sliver of a doubt that I wanted to be? The Pink Power Ranger. I was five and she was the coolest chick I had ever seen. Plus she got to be with the White Ranger, and he was a hottie. What was his name, Zach? Tommy? Whatever, its not important.

And you know what? Given the opportunity, I would become the Pink Power Ranger without a second's hesitation, and at 23 years old, that's a little scary.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Thumbs up for Frank!

To explain the title, when I found out I was going to get knee surgery, I originally thought I was going to get a cadaver part to reconstruct the ACL. My friend started calling it "Frankenleg", which then got shortened to Frank. Above is a picture of Frank in all of his glory.

I just got back from my doctor's appointment and considering the last time I was there I started to cry, it went soooooo well. He said that the graft is healing up nicely, and I just need to work a little bit more on my range of motion and building the muscle mass of my quad back up. So I have another month of physical therapy, then I see the doc again and hopefully get cleared to run. All in all, I give it two thumbs up. Way to go Frank!

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Whomp Whomp

Good Lord, I am terrible at this whole blogging thing. Sorry about that. (Because so many people are clearly reading this)


So what's been happening in my life? Well, here's the not knee related information:

* I finally heard from the guy that had been ignoring me, and I got super excited and answered because I forgot that my plan was to ignore him. Whoops. He invited me to a block party he was throwing, which actually ended up being a lot of fun. Unfortunately, the block party was technically as a goodbye party because he's being deployed in September. Whomp whomp. 

BUT. I got this super pretty picture of a sunset.

* I am loving my job. I went out with a bunch of my coworkers recently and it was way too much fun.

* I am struggling so hard to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. But that's a story for another time.

* Weird people have been hitting on me like its their job. I don't know what the deal is, but apparently I'm what the crazies in Hawaii are looking for. Its been an exciting couple of weeks.

* I'm actually being sort of responsible with my money. So that's neato.

Knee related information:

* I finished my last physical therapy appointment! So that's exciting.

* My doctor's office back home and my doctor's office here had a rare moment of successful communication, and I was finally able to schedule a doctor's appointment like a normal person. Granted, its a three month check-up and I never did the six week one, but that's not the point. After spending months playing monkey-in-the-middle with doctors, this was one of the best moments ever. At this appointment I find out if I need more physical therapy to make it stronger, and when I can start running and doing other physical activities again. This is exciting stuff, people!

* I was a big old dumbass at work the other night and squatted down to help someone fix a table. My knee was not a happy camper, and I've been trying to take it easy for the last couple of days. Stooooooops.

I can't think of anything else to write. I hope everyone's having a fantastic life, and I'll catch you on the flip side.

Next time:


Tuesday, July 16, 2013


Whoops. Sorta forgot that I had this blog. My bad.

So what's been happening in my life? Quite a bit, actually. Here's the lowdown.

I got a job as a hostess at P.F. Chang's. It doesn't sound super great, but I am seriously over the moon about it. They had absolutely no reason to hire me. On paper I looked awful. A month out of knee surgery and no restaurant experience to my name, I wouldn't have hired me. But I turned on the charm 1000% and was hired on the spot. Holla! I really like it so far. Its a little bit overwhelming since I have no experience in restaurants and its a super popular place to eat, but everyone is really nice and I'm slowly picking it up. Hooray!

I turned 23. 22 was not a banner year in the life of Hannah. Yeah I moved to Hawaii and that was rad, but for the most part it was not so great. I got hurt, ruined stuff with a guy that I really liked, ruined stuff with a very close friend, Dakine closed and I wasn't offered a job at Honolua, you get the picture. It was definitely less than stellar. But my 23rd birthday was an incredible day filled with a fabulous physical therapy session, a little time at the beach with my roomie and her friend, I was cut early from work when my manager found out it was my birthday, I jammed at karaoke and even got a little life lesson that night. I found out something not so great about someone I thought was my close friend, but instead of being super shitty, that gave me the final push to get out of the weird headspace that I've been in for the last couple of months. I've also just been in a fabulous mood since my birthday, so again.......Hooray!

I've been trying to actually be smart with my money and not eat out all the time. I still need to work on cutting down my stupidly ridiculous Starbucks addiction, but I actually grocery shopped like a normal person the other day, so we're making baby steps of progress. Oh and speaking of being a grownup, I also applied for my first big girl job. So we'll see how that goes.

Just so this isn't one of those nauseatingly happy posts that are often found on blogs, not everything has been all sunshine and rainbow pooping unicorns. My knee is tired constantly and it is frustrating. At work I'm on my feet for 6 or more hours at a time, and I still can't walk up and down stairs normally which is pretty embarrassing. I have the "oh are you OK?" "Oh yeah, I just had knee surgery about 6 weeks ago so stairs are still a little awkward" conversation on the daily. Yesterday I went to the canoe races in Waikiki (which involved a lot of walking) and then went to work for 6.5 hours and I haven't been able to straighten my leg for all of today. Physical therapy this morning was rough, to say the least. Its frustrating, but I'm trying to remind myself that its a healing process. Also when I'm not on the stairs, nobody can tell that there's anything wrong with my leg. So that's nice.

What else? I met a guy. I don't think it'll be anything, but it was certainly a much needed ego boost. I bought a super rad hat with a T-Rex painted on it, I just painted my nails a really pretty blue, and Shark Week is on Netflix. Neato!

Monday, June 24, 2013

Workout Blues

Fun fact about me, I HATE working out. Yeah I played some sports in high school and I've always been decently active, but actually working out? There is absolutely no love. I hate every single part of it. Starting out, that middle bit where you feel like you're about to puke your brains out and die, the sweating, I hate it all. Well, I like one part. The part where you get to stop working out is my favorite. On the real, thank goodness for good genetics because with my eating and workout habits I should weigh about 300 lbs. Yeah, I know its good for my health, but so are avocados and I hate them too.

Umm....super cool Hannah, but what was the point of that little rant against a healthy lifestyle? Well, I am so bored because of all the restrictions on my knee that all I want to do is workout. Whaaaaa?  Yeah that's right. Its all I can think about. I want to surf, I want to hike, I want to run. You heard right, Hannah wants to run. I just want to take off and sprint up Koko Head, or even just run down the street. I'm not even allowed to swim (kicking is a big no-no) or just sit on a paddle board and doodle around (I asked my physical therapist today. Too much of a risk of tweaking the knee if.....when....I fall off).

Two more months and then I'll at least be cleared to run. Until then, the most I get to workout is physical therapy. I got add squats and stepping up onto a stool today. Woooooooooooooo.

What I would like to be doing. 

What I'm actually doing. 

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Monster effort.

I am in a not so great mood right now, so here's a list of things that I have going for me. I'm hoping to pull some Psych 101 magic and make myself feel better.

* I have my health. Yeah knee surgery is a bitch, but there are people out there a lot worse off than me. I could have hit my head and given myself brain damage, I could have lost the leg, I could have cancer.....there are a lot worse things that could have happened to me.

* I have wonderful family and friends who are willing to help me out when I need it. I could be facing this business alone, and that would have been super duper shitty.

* I'm pretty. Yeah its vain, but whatever. I'm trying to make myself feel better. So hooray for being pretty.

I can't think of anything else and this really didn't help me very much, but hey. At least I tried. This monster thinks I did a good job.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Well that's just fine.

Big things are happening in the life of Hannah. You ready?

1. Hot damn, I KILLED it in physical therapy today. I used the exercise bike for about 5 minutes. It sounds super lame, but I felt so badass, especially since it took me a little bit to even get my leg to make a full revolution. Once I finished up on the bike, I moved on to the normal leg exercises, and Kevin my physical therapist was super impressed with how well I could straighten my leg and how much I could flex my quad (I know, I know.........I'm pretty much the cat's pajamas). Plus the view from the exercise bike was pretty. If you're going to rehab an injury, I guess paradise is the place to do it.

It really doesn't sound like a huge deal, but I have been busting my ass since my last appointment, making sure that I do all the exercises that I'm supposed to do at home, and it was cool to see that I am actually making progress. This is especially nice since the workouts are SO. FREAKING. MONOTONOUS. Holy crap. Straighten the leg with weights, stretch with the band (straight and bent knee), quad stretches, leg lifts (front, side back), lather rinse and repeat. But they're clearly working, so I just gotta keep on keepin' on.

2. I went ALL DAY without my crutches! Whaaaaaaaaaaaat. I still have a lot of work to do when it comes to walking (walk with a limp like an old school pimp a real O.GEEEEEE.....anyone? Anyone??) but it was so satisfying to blend in with the crowd. Society is so focused on standing out, but I can't even express how much I just want to feel invisible for a bit. Today was glorious. No pity looks, no questions, nothing. SO. WONDERFUL. I'm sore as shit and my hip hurts like a bitch, but it was totally worth it. AAAAHHHH words can't even express how stoked I am. No brace, no crutches, just a normal girl cruising around minding her own business. LOVE IT. 

3. I got a part-time job at a coffee shop downtown. I start in a couple weeks. Its not much, but it'll be nice to have some sort of income while I look for something else. Hooray!

4. I got a free drink from Starbucks today. Win.

All in all, I am a super sore but happy panda. :)

Made this bike my bitch today. Not a big deal. 

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Blue hair, don't care.

Oh my goodness, I was not a happy panda in that last post! But today was 10000x times better, and I am the happiest fish in the sea. Well, I guess that might be a little extreme, but it seemed good to stick with the animal thing. ANYWAY.

Today my KBFF (kayak best friend forever, keep up) Hailey and I went to Sandy Beach Park, and it was way too much fun. Pro tip: if you ever come to Oahu, make sure you spend a day here. The beach is beautiful, its on a beautiful part of the island, and the people are beautiful. Hot damn, there are some hotties at Sandy's. Pro tip #2: if you do go to this beach, be super super careful. The lifeguard was telling us how its the number one beach for neck and back breaks because the waves are so big.Yikes. There are some mad body boarders there, and they're really fun to watch.

Speaking of body boarding, I wish I could have gotten pictures, because some of these guys were absolutely ridiculous. There were the standard people with their regular boards who were pretty talented and entertaining to watch, but there were some slightly less conventional ones as well. There was one guy who tried to body board with a pool floaty, and he was not successful. The floaty got some serious air though and he never gave up, so props to that guy. There was also a kid (maybe 12) who was using a tray as a body board. Like stolen from a school cafeteria tray. He was doing pretty solid for a bit, but then the ocean claimed the tray as its own. And we saw a monk seal, which was rad.

My leg actually felt really strong when I was on the beach. I don't have to wear my brace anymore, and I didn't use my crutches (duh. Could you imagine crutches in the sand? Not a good look.) and it was so so so wonderful not having anyone staring at my leg. I was limping a little bit and the muscle atrophy in my leg is pretty significant, but nobody cared. It sounds weird, but it was amazing.

Then Hailey and I went back to her house and I dyed part of my hair blue, because why the hell not?

Technically this picture is from a couple of days ago, but its still Sandy's so whatever. Notice how normal the leg looks.

My new monk seal friend. He was just posted on the beach like he didn't have a care in the world. Which he doesn't, because he's a monk seal. 

Before and after. The blue is kind of hard to see, but I promise its there! I think I might add some more to it. 

Saturday, June 15, 2013

5:14 AM

Oh good morning everyone. Its 5:14 on this lovely Hawaiian morning, and I hate everything. I woke up at 2:30 (maybe? I don't know. It was fucking early) because my stupid leg hurts. A lot. Like I feel like someone stabbed me right below the kneecap. Super. I tried to fight the pain with a combination of Arrested Development, Advil and ice, but that didn't work. The problem? Normally I sleep on my stomach, but all I can do with my leg is sleep on my back.

I realize that in the grand scheme of my life this is just a little blip, but right now its almost 5:30 in the morning, I'm watching Cake Boss and I want to punch myself in the face. So that's neat.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Things I learned from being hurt Vol. 1

WARNING: This post is mostly me bitching about stuff. Volume 2 (if it ever happens) might be good things that I learned, but this is not that list. Shall we?

1. Things you can't do with a busted knee: hike, surf, paddle board, beach volleyball, soccer, running, basically any sort of fun physical activity. Things you can do with a busted knee: physical therapy, sitting on the beach, sitting on a paddle board, video games, drink. Notice how those lists don't exactly match up? Yeah Hawaii is not awesome when you're hurt. Nobody comes here with the strong desire to stay inside all day. And you can only play Super Mario for so long before you actually start to think that you're Mario.

2. People are nosy when it comes to injuries. I understand that humans are inherently curious, and we all have that desire to slow down and stare when we drive past a car accident. Unfortunately for me, in this situation I'm the car accident, and everybody here has this inherent need to slow down and stare. Everyone wants to know what I did, how I did it, and if I have medical insurance. Yeah, that's a thing. Is it normal for people to ask questions like that?! Take it from me, unless you are offering to pay that person's medical bills if they don't have insurance, don't ask about it. Its none of your business, and its sort of offensive. Also, nobody wants to hear your injury stories, and the pity looks just make me want to punch you in the face. Sorry, I'm  done with my rant now.

3. I don't like being helped. I always knew that I was independent, but my knee has taught me that I might be independent to a fault. I have had people offer to carry things upstairs for me, offer me an arm to help me balance, pick things up when I drop them, carry me into the water, and I have even had multiple people offer to carry me upstairs. This is all well and good and I realize that they are doing this out of the goodness of their hearts, but I HATE it. So much. The only time that I've actually accepted the help was the time at Dave & Buster's when I had to take the stairs and my knee hurt so badly I thought I was going to pass out. Even then, I was not very nice to the person who helped me. (If you're reading this, I'm really sorry. I was a huge bitch and you didn't deserve it). It is something that I am trying to work on.

4. People can be creepy, but I have to give them points on being creative. I have had some of the most bizarre pickup lines because of my knee. My absolute favorites? "Oh girl, you wanna play doctor? I bet I can get that knee to bend." and "Hey have you met my friend? He's got a bum knee and a bum wrist, but his dick still works! You guys could have cute, gimpy babies!" Its been pretty entertaining. I also appreciated the man who told me that my knee brace "made my dress look good". I'm not 100% sure what that means, but I'm assuming its a compliment. Oh! And there was a guy who took pictures of my brace because the stickers on it were "artistic". I don' know when Batman and whales started being art, but then again, I'm pretty sure someone shit in a jar and sold that as art, so there you go.

5. The beach and the ocean always make me feel better. Despite the fact that I had a billion pounds of sand in my brace which totally messed up the velcro situation, sitting on the beach is incredibly cathartic. I highly recommend it to anyone who has anything on their minds. Plus sometimes you see a sea turtle, and that is just wonderful. Also cupcakes. Sitting on the beach and eating a cupcake might be the best thing ever.


So, I moved to Hawaii in September. I didn't really have a good reason to, I graduated from school and couldn't think of anything better to do, so when a friend called me and asked if I wanted to move out here with her, I jumped at the chance. (Wouldn't you?) I went into the move with pretty lofty expectations. I was going to find a kick ass job that allowed for maximum beach time, find a kick ass apartment (right by the beach, duh), meet a kick ass guy (preferably a professional surfer/famous person), and basically just have the all around most kick ass time ever. I blame these expectations on the viewing of too many Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen movies as a child. They were always having fabulous adventures with hotties. Remember that time they went to Paris?

So what actually happened? I bought a moped, named it White Lightning, and then crashed that bad boy straight into the ground at the end of February. One slam to the asphalt of King street, two urgent care visits, a few x-rays, and one MRI later, my Olsen twin dreams were shattered by the news that I had a bruised rib, a blown out ACL and a torn meniscus. Whoops. My biggest worry went from "hmmm.....do I want to go to the beach today?" to "hmmm.......do I want to get knee surgery in Hawaii or in Arizona?" Awesome.

To those who know me, this honestly doesn't come as any sort of surprise. To put it mildly, I fall down a lot. My entire life, I've been the girl who's always hurt. To name a few of my mishaps, one time I fell through a stage, I broke my foot in 6 places falling down some stairs (well, technically I fell into a trap-door basement, but we've all heard that story before), I once gave myself a black eye while painting my own toenails, and a friend recently told me that the first time he met me I fell down some stairs at a party. Oh, and I also got a bruise on the back of my leg that was approximately the size of Texas trying to climb the fence to sneak out of the Royal Hawaiian hot tub.

Anywho, after two months of being in possibly the hottest knee brace known to man-kind, getting hit on by some serious creepers (hey girl, you wanna play doctor?), and lying shamelessly about how I got my injury (basketball, volleyball, surfing, shark bite, car accident, you name it, I probably said it with a smile on my face) I went back to the lovely state of Arizona and got myself a brand spankin' new ACL. Which brings us to right now. I'm about 3 weeks (?? I'm too lazy to figure it out exactly) out of surgery,  back in Hawaii, just started physical therapy, have no job and am not allowed to do any sort of physical activity, so I have decided to chronicle the recovery process in the blog, because why the hell not? Weird stuff happens to me on the regular, so hopefully it'll be an entertaining read. And if not? Well.........I don't really know what to tell you.

Yokohama beach. To show that I really live in Hawaii, I guess. I don't know. 

Night Fury, my super kick ass brace that I don't have to wear anymore. 

The knee. Post surgery. Gross, eh?