Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Hannah figures out she's basic.

The Basic Bitch Starter Pack, according to Facebook. 
I know its been around for a while, but over the last couple of months, I've noticed an increase in the use of "basic bitch" as an insult. I've used it, but I'll be honest.....I've never been 100% sure of what it meant. Then I was on Facebook yesterday, and someone posted a picture with the description "basic bitch starter pack". I noticed that I own a lot of the things in that picture, which made me a little bit curious and concerned. I looked it up, and there are about 45 different definitions on Urban Dictionary alone, so I had to do a little paraphrasing. From what I can tell, a basic bitch is basically just a girl (usually white) who isn't very unique. Her winter uniform is Uggs, leggings, something Northface (vest or jacket - black), some sort of slouchy beanie (maroon or grey Neff, if Facebook is to be believed), and almost always has a Starbucks beverage in her hand, usually a pumpkin spice latte. She is a big fan of fall, and her Instagram is filled with pictures of colorful leaves (#fall) and selfies with some sort of inspirational quote as a caption (#blessed). A basic bitch aspires to be like Lauren Conrad, and enjoys throwing back a good fruity cocktail during a #girlsnight. She is terrible at parking, and if the internet can be believed, basic bitches from different cities have different defining characteristics. 

Umm.....I'm still confused. Are those things bad? I do most of those things!!!!!! My Uggs keep my feet so nice and cozy, and I love me a good pair of leggings. Everyone who has ever talked to me knows that I have an unhealthy obsession with Starbucks, and I am always in the market for a good vest. I love all things Pumpkin Spice (lattes, candles, lotions, etc.), and I think Lauren Conrad is awesome. Her life is somehow always pretty, and I would love for her to teach me her ways when it comes to making the perfect sock bun. I'm a beer girl, but I can always get behind a vodka cranberry, and there is a bartender at Mia's who makes a drink that tastes exactly like a pineapple upside-down cake, which is by far my favorite drink ever. I also can't park worth crap. After Hondapocalypse of 2012, I drove my grandparents old Suburban and that was a goddamn adventure. There are some differences; I am more partial to Patagonia and Columbia, and my Neff beanie is bright blue. My Instagram doesn't have a single fall picture, but that's mostly due to the fact that I'm a terrible photographer. I'm also not a huge fan of selfies. And while I love pumpkin spice everything, my holiday drink of choice is a creme brûlée latte. I would like to think that personality-wise I'm pretty unique, but clothing wise? I bounce back and forth between basic and looking like a homeless person who happened to break into an Under Armour store. 

So what is so wrong with being a basic bitch? Seriously, every girl I knew in college was at least a little basic. On the opposite side of the spectrum is hipster, and even though I live in Portland, I would rather not look like I fell into my closest and put on everything I touched. Plus basic girls usually smell a lot better. So to my basic sisters, I raise my Starbucks holiday beverage to you. Screw the haters, keep on being comfy, cute and basic. 

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Hannah gets two new boyfriends

When people ask me why I'm single (which happens kind of a lot), my usual answer is that I really don't have very good luck when it comes to guys. Then whoever I'm talking to says something along the lines of "oh Hannah it can't be that bad" and I'm like "you don't know my life". Well, today pretty much summed up that bad luck, and while its a little embarrassing, its too perfect not to share.

For the past couple of days, my stomach hasn't really wanted to be a part of Team Hannah. Today I went to the doctor for it, and she recommended some over the counter medication for me to try, which meant going to Target. Since I don't have a car, I have to rely on Portland's public transportation system, which is always an adventure. While I was on the MAX, there was a super creepy guy who looked like he was about my age who had decided that the best way for him to score with the ladies was to ask every single girl on the MAX for her phone number. The best part was he asked everyone the exact same way. He would get their attention, then ask how they were doing, and before they had a chance to answer he would go "yeah OK can I get your number?". His success rate was zero, in case anyone was wondering. He also asked me, but luckily it was right as we were pulling up to my stop, so I was able to quickly exit while the old lady next to me laughed at his face for having no game.

Then I got to Target. The medicine that the doctor recommended is called Simethicone, which is an anti-bloating medication. Unfortunately for me, they put all of the stomach related products together, so the anti-bloating stuff is right next to a pretty large selection of laxatives. I couldn't remember what the name of the stuff was, so I spent a pretty solid amount of time in this section intently studying the labels hoping that the name would jump out at me, since I was too lazy to take out my phone to figure out. After about 5 minutes of this, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. I look over and there is a ridiculously good looking man just sort of looking at me while I'm examining all of these boxes of laxatives and other fun stomach things. We make eye contact, and he gives me this look that just says "yikes. That's a huge bummer". Oh my God, I WANTED TO DIE. You know when you can tell that your face is bright red because you start to feel really warm? That's what was happening, so I just sort of walked away, then came back and grabbed the box after I made sure the aisle was clear.

Then we saw each other again at the register and made super awkward eye contact.

So yeah, that sums it up. A creepy dude asked for my number (after striking out with everyone else around us) and a hottie saw me checking out stomach meds.

Note: I do understand that I shouldn't be embarrassed. Stomach issues happen to everyone. But still, he was really good looking, and it was just so uncomfortable. Oh, and for everyone who is like "well if he was in that aisle too, he's obviously having some sort of stomach issues", that might have been true, but that is not really something that I want to bond over.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Hannah and Paulina fight a spider

I hate when any sort of bugs are indoors. I feel like it violates the basic understanding that I have with nature; I won't litter and it keeps the creepy-crawlies outside. The absolute worst for me are cockroaches and spiders (speaking of cockroaches, remind me to tell you the story of the night I learned that the huge roaches can fly). If I see them inside, my automatic instinct is to bail. I'm like "ok bye. Enjoy my house and all of my belongings, I was too materialistic anyway". Portland has not been kind to me when it comes to spiders, because I swear to God if something in this city is outside and stays still for more than 20 minutes, there will be a spider web on it. So the other night when there was a big spider in our house, it was a hot mess. Luckily,  Paulina and I successfully defended our kingdom, and here is the story because she told me that I should write a blog post about it. 

The other night around 12:30 am, I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and Paulina was going downstairs when I heard her say something along the lines of "OH NO THERE IS A LARGE SPIDER ON THE CEILING". I went to go investigate, and immediately regretted my decision when I saw a giant spider on the weird overhang over the stairs. This thing was massive and looked like it was more than capable of eating off my face. Unfortunately for us, the spider was in a really awkward place that neither of us could reach. Neither of us wanted anything to do with it, but we realized that we had to take care of it right then because what if we woke up the next day and it wasn't there anymore?!? Not an option. 

After standing there for a few minutes (her downstairs, me on the stairs) going "ewwww what are we going to dooooooo???", I had the brilliant idea of using a swiffer to squish it against the ceiling, but sadly swiffers are designed so that the flat part can't stay facing up, so that was the end of that plan. Then Paulina, being the goddamn genius that she is, suggested that we spray it with some sort of bleach product and then smash it when it fell to the floor. Brilliant. So she went and got all of the spray bottles from underneath the kitchen sink, and I stood on the stairs with the swiffer ready to make the spider regret all of the decisions it had made that led it to this point. We were more prepared than Arnold was to fight the Predator. 

Paulina sprayed some raid on it, which of course pissed off the spider. So it lowered itself down on its web (OH. Can we talk about the web for a minute?! It having something to lower itself down on means that it had been in our house long enough to try to set up shop. RUDE.) and landed on the ground. After a lot of screaming from both of us, I remembered that I was in charge of step 2 in Operation Spider Death, so I slammed the swiffer down as hard as I could. Then I was scared to move it, because nothing is worse than stepping on a spider and then raising your foot only to have the stupid thing run away while you're standing there going "Lord why have you forsaken me?!". I wanted to make sure that the spider wasn't going to make it, so I took a flying leap off the stairs onto the swiffer while Paulina stood with a spray bottle in each hand ready to spray the crap out of it if it tried anything tricky. 

Spider-slayer Spice.  
Weapons of choice. 

After I jumped up and down on the stupid thing about 20 times, I risked moving. The spider was no mas, and then Paulina sprayed it a whole bunch just to make sure. Seriously, there is so much girl power in our house Paulina and I could be Spice Girls. 

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Hannah goes to Beardapalooza

I have a not so secret love of facial hair. Well, I have a not so secret love of beards. For the most part i think mustaches are stupid, but I love me a good beard. Not that its a requirement or anything, there are plenty of clean shaven men that I find incredibly attractive. But if an already good looking guy can pull off an awesome beard? Yes please. So you can imagine my excitement when I found out that the 2014 World Beard & Moustache Championship was happening in Portland and it was on my day off. Of course I was going to go.

Oh my God, it went above and beyond my wildest dreams. Did you know there are multiple types of beards and mustaches, and they all have names?! The competition was divided into three groups; Moustaches Partial Beards and Full Beards. Then each of these groups was divided into subcategories. All in all, I think there were like 18 different types of beards and mustaches. Click on the links to learn all about the different types, because I am too lazy to type them out. It was awesome. On top of the actual competition, there were also vendors and there was even a seesaw that looked like a mustache. A free mustache ride, if you will. Basically, it was everything I didn't know was missing in my life, and I now aspire to someday be able to be a judge for the competition. It also gave me the excuse to yell "hit him with your beard!!!" a bunch of times, which doesn't happen very often. I took a ton of pictures (because duh), so enjoy!

This guy won the Garibaldi beard category, and actually ended up winning the grand prize trip to next year's championship in Austria. 

I admired his commitment to the product placement.  

This is an Imperial Partial Beard, in case anyone was wondering. 

Photobooths are always a crowd pleaser, especially when they involve fake facial hair. 

I really liked the guy in the red because his beard looked like a fan. 


Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the Gay 

I guess this guy is on Portlandia? 

See that thing that looks like a rope? THAT'S A BEARD. It almost touched the ground. 

Freestylin' their beards 

A really terrible picture of all of the winners to wrap it up. 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Books I think you would like

People ask me for book recommendations a lot, so here's a bunch of them. 
  • The Tiger's Wife - Téa Obreht 
    • Whenever anyone asks me to recommend a book, this is the first one I say. I'm so bad at describing it, but basically its about a woman who gets to know her grandfather after his death through the stories that he told her as a little girl, the main ones being the Tiger's Wife and the Deathless Man. The acceptance of death is an important theme in this book; Natalia comes to terms with the mysterious circumstances surrounding her grandfather's death, and the people of her country attempt to rebuild after a war. Its a beautiful story, and it'll make you want to call your grandparents. 
  • Little Bee - Chris Cleave 
    • OK I can't actually tell you what this book is about because it will completely ruin it (it says so on the back of the book), but I can tell you that it is one of the saddest and most beautifully written books that I have ever read. You have to mentally prepare yourself for this one, but its worth it. Funny story about this book: everyone makes fun of me because I always read morbid books, so I picked this one because the cover was bright orange and it had butterflies and bees on it, so I thought it would be happy. That was some false advertising, because I've never cried so hard reading a book in my life. 
  • The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini 
    • This book gives "Little Bee" a run for its money in both beauty and the ability to make you cry. "The Kite Runner" tells the story of Amir, a young boy from Afghanistan. While the main focus of the story is on Amir and the choices that he makes in his life in regards to his friend Hassan, its set during the fall of Afghanistan's monarchy, the invasion of the Soviet Union, and the rise of the Taliban. Its an intense book, and I was in a funk for about a week after I read it. If you like it, you should also read "A Thousand Splendid Suns". 
  • The Dark Tower series - Stephen King 
    • This series is pretty cool, because its like one (huge) novel divided into 7 chapters. If you're a fan of Stephen King, you will definitely like this because he manages to bring most of his other works into the story. It is truly an epic tale. For everyone who's like "waaahhhh I don't want to read it because I don't like horror and Stephen King is scary", you'll be fine. None of the books are scary. They're just awesome. 
  • Salem's Lot - Stephen King 
    • Scariest book that I have ever read, but I couldn't put it down. Its about vampires, and not the sparkly ones. There was one point where it was like 2:00 am and I was almost in tears because I was so terrified, and yet I continued reading it. 
  • Geek Love - Katherine Dunn
    • When I first got this book, I thought it was going to be about finding love on the internet. Turns out I was wrong, and its actually about a family of carnival freaks. This book is really cool because it shows how the idea of being "normal" is completely relative. In the Binewski family, the weirder (and by weirder I mean the amount of physical deformities that you have) you are, the more you're loved and celebrated. 
  • The Devil In The White City - Erik Larson 
    • Erik Larson's books are rad. He takes a really important moment in human history (in this one its the construction of the Chicago World's Fair) and then ties it in with a crime that is related to it (serial killer H.H. Holmes). If you have any interest in Chicago, architecture or serial killers, you will really like this book. 
  • In The Garden of Beasts - Erik Larson 
    • Hi, I really like Erik Larson. This one is about the American Ambassador to Germany and his family who were living in Berlin during the beginning of Hitler's rise to power. It is so so so interesting. 
  • The Snowman - Jo Nesbo 
    • If you like anything having to do with serial killers, you'll like this book. Its about a cop hunting down a serial killer in Norway, and its soooooo so so creepy. Like the give you goosebumps and make you sort of uncomfortable kind of creepy.
  • The Thousand Autumns of Jacob De Zoet - David Mitchell 
    • I won't lie to you, this one takes a little bit to get into. Mitchell is very into detail, and is pretty much a walking thesaurus. I've read the beginning a bunch of times, but I haven't always made it to the end. The story takes place in Japan during the 1700's, and its an interesting look at how one decision can affect the entire course of your life. 
  • A Brief History of Me - Stephen Hawking
    • I just finished this book last week, and its awesome. Its very short (126 pages) and to the point, and its actually a lot funnier than I thought it was going to be. I liked it a lot because Hawking doesn't focus on his ALS. He's very matter of fact about it, like "yeah this happened and its a bummer, but here's the parts of my life that are way more important to me". If you're interested in Hawking at all or just want to prepare yourself for the movie that's coming out about him in November, you should read this. 
  • Please Kill Me - Legs McNeil & Gillian McCain 
    • This is an oral history of punk rock, so its all interviews and essays from people who experienced the whole crazy thing. It goes from Velvet Revolver to the Ramones, and even if you're not really interested in punk, its just a really interesting book. I don't know how most of the people lived long enough to add anything to the book. Shit was crazy back in the day. "Oh yeah we used to do a bunch of coke, then drink a fifth of whiskey and go out and party until 5 in the morning". That's fine. 
  • A Girl Named Zippy - Haven Kimmel 
    • Probably one of the funniest books that I have ever read. I recommend reading it in public places, because its always fun to have people give you weird looks because you're sitting by yourself laughing your ass off. Its a collection of short stories from a lady who had a truly weird childhood, and its hilarious. If you enjoy it, you should also read "She Got Up Off the Couch", which is the sequel.
There are about 7,000 more books that I would like to add to this list, but I'm tired. 

Monday, October 6, 2014

Help me, I'm poor.

When I was a little kid, I was awesome at saving money. I had a beautifully hand painted piggy bank, and every single dollar and cent I got went straight into Judy Pig (Judy was the lady who painted it). I almost never spent it, and when I did, my tastes were pretty cheap. Archie comics and the sticky hands from the quarter machines at Albertson's were my jam, and the only thing I remember ever really wanting was a membership to the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen Fan Club. This was denied by my mother. As I got older, I was still pretty solid. I think the only big purchases I made from 6th grade to the beginning of my freshman year of college were a video camera and an iPod Touch, and I worked my ass off to save up for both of them. Still have the iPod, haven't seen the video camera in years.

Fast forward to the last couple of years, and I have made a complete 180. I suck at saving money. I don't know what happened, but I somehow regressed to having the fiscal sense of a spoiled 16 year old. One working theory I have is the fact that back in Flag I never had to pay for food. My grandma (God bless her sweet soul) wanted to contribute to my higher education, so she paid for a meal plan every semester that I was in school. I'd say about 75% of my meals were eaten on campus, and if I ever wanted some variety, I would just go to my mom/grandma/aunt's houses and grub. The only stuff I really had to buy at the grocery store was alcohol and breakfast food. I also developed a wicked Starbucks addiction in school, thanks to the conveniently located Starbucks on campus that accepted dining dollars. Then I graduated and moved to Hawaii and was like "HOW DO PEOPLE EVEN FEED THEMSELVES!?!?!?!?!" I still haven't really figured this out and haven't really embraced the joys of cooking, so I eat out a lot more than I should.

You know the most frustrating thing? I have nothing to show for my financial stupidity. I sort of wish I had a shopping addiction or something, so I could at least be like "yoooo yeah I'm broke, but look at all of the super cute clothes I have and all of the awesome electronic gadgets I own!!!!!!!!!" Too bad all I do is go to Starbucks way too much and eat food that I didn't cook. I also sort of feel like I'm the only person who's absolute shit with money. I see so many people on Facebook (goddamn Facebook) who are like "oh my ticket to insert awesome/exotic location here has been booked! Adventure time here I come!!" And I'm over here crying into my overpriced sugar in a cup like "howwwwwwwwww?!?!?!" Ugh. Its so frustrating, and so stupid, because I have nobody to blame. My poor parents have tried so hard to teach me their ways. My mom is the most financially responsible person I've ever met, and my dad's life motto is "live cheap, be free". Tiny Hannah was all about that life, but adult Hannah is like "pfffttttt".

Anybody have any tips on how to be more responsible with money? Team Hannah is struggling. Maybe I need to get another Judy Pig.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Oh Captain, my Captain.

"Please, don't worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day.... make a wish and think of me. Make your life spectacular." 
-Jack (1996)

Its been almost a week since Robin Williams committed suicide, and I am still having a really hard time figuring out exactly how I feel. I know that I'm sad, but its more than that. Its not the normal "oh, what a heartbreaking loss of talent and life" that I feel when a celebrity dies. As silly as it sounds, I feel like I lost someone who was a true constant in my life; a crazy uncle that I would only see on holidays and other special occasions. When I heard the news it felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I spent my childhood watching his movies. Aladdin, Hook, Jumanji, Mrs. Doubtfire, Ferngully....... Robin Williams was more than just an incredible actor and hilarious comedian, he was family.

My dad and I have always had a tricky relationship, but one thing that we have always had in common is our love of Robin Williams, especially the movie Hook. We used to watch it all the time, and my dad would always act out his favorite scene. Its the one where Peter is about to leave Neverland with his kids, but Hook calls him back. I can picture it perfectly, my dad would get so into it with his terrible Dustin Hoffman impression, face all scrunched up and his arm held out with his finger bent to look like a hook. "Peter. I swear to you wherever you go, wherever you are, I vow there will always be daggers buried in notes signed James Hook. They will be flung into doors of your children's children's children, do you hear me?"Then his face would completely change, and he would be Robin Williams. "What do you want, old man?" And then back to Hoffman. "Just you". 
This would happen every single time we watched the movie, and he'll still do it if anybody brings it up. Because of this and the movie Flubber (his character in that, the whacky professor who gets so involved in his work that he can forget the rest of his life, is 100% my father) Robin Williams and my dad are completely interchangeable in my mind.

As I got older, his characters changed with me. He made me cry in Jack, Death to Smoochy showed me that Robin Williams' humor could be dark; he was more than just the funny man from Mrs. Doubtfire. When I saw One Hour Photo I was completely blown away, because I never thought that I could be scared of Robin Williams. But it was Dead Poets Society that truly changed how I saw him. The first time I saw that movie, I was in fifth grade flying back from Switzerland with my dad. It really didn't have much of an impact on me then, but I do remember my dad saying that John Keating was the teacher he always tried to be. I watched it again when I was in high school, and I couldn't believe it. I still get chills when I think of his character. In college I watched What Dreams May Come and Good Will Hunting for the first time (yeah, I know) and it just confirmed what I had known for my entire life: the talent and absolute zest for life that Robin Williams had is something that can never be replaced. He was one of a kind.

To the man who gave my dad and I something to bond over and brought so much laughter and light to my life, I truly hope that you have found peace. You deserve it.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014


Man, I do not understand relationships at all. Actually, I guess its really the process of getting into a relationship that I don't really understand. And this post just proves it, because it is a hot damn mess. It was originally a lot worse, but I attempted to organize it. Fasten your seat belts.

1. How people get in relationships in the first place.
I think its because I haven't had a boyfriend since high school, but I am still really confused as to how people actually meet each other and get into relationships. Maybe I'm just never in the right place at the right time, but the only people who seem to ever be around me are not exactly boyfriend material. One only has to go on my Facebook page to see stories of all the goddamn creepers who want to play friendship with me. I never sit next to the hottie on the airplane, and the only hot people who were in any of my classes at school were usually douchey frat boys. Or I get the charmers who tell me that I would be so much prettier if I smiled more (it is not my fault that I have resting bitch face). Then there are the people who are like "oh yeah I met my significant other at work". Well take it from someone who knows, that shit can get real awkward real quick. Also online dating really sketches me out. I meet enough weirdos in my daily life, I can only imagine what would happen if I was trying to meet people on the world wide web. My prom date is in jail for murder, guaranteed I'd end up meeting up with some sort of crazy person. So how do you go about meeting people?!

2. People who are constantly in relationships
Do these people just have people on standby for when their current relationships don't work out? "Hey good looking person, I too am good looking. I'm with this person right now, but if it goes kaput, Imma hit you up. Then we can be a good looking couple". Then the other person is just like "word. Just let me know, I'll totally date you". Is that how it works?! There are people who are seriously never single, and I just don't get it. I can't even figure out how to get a casual boyfriend, and I have so many friends who are like "oh yeah, I've had like three serious relationships in my life". WHAT. HOW DO YOU EVEN MEET THAT MANY PEOPLE THAT YOU HAVE A CONNECTION WITH?!!? Of course, maybe it would help if I actually talked to people instead of being like "oh that guy is super good looking and I haven't brushed my hair in 3 days. Anybody want to go and get some nachos?". I'm also a little bit worried about these people, because I think you should be single for a second. You have to learn to be happy as a single person, not as half of a couple. If anybody needs advice in this area, I've got your back.

3. The unwritten rules of the game
You know that saying "don't hate the player, hate the game"? I don't even understand how a person actually becomes a player in the fucking game. How do people know this stuff?! Like how long you're supposed to wait to talk to someone again after you hang out with them, whether it looks more desperate to call versus text, whether or not you should kiss them goodnight, this shit is exhausting. And there are people who just seem to be so good at it. Also this whole deal about how you're supposed to seem like you don't care. I never get it right. Usually I'm a little too pro status, and then I have to be like "oh no wait, I really do care, I promise!!". Having to act like you're not excited when you're texting is hard too. You know what I'm talking about, you say something like "yeah we should definitely hang out again" when really you just want to be like "HANG OUT WITH ME SO I CAN MAKE OUT WITH YOUR FACE". Then there's all of the articles in Cosmo that are trying to explain the best ways to make a dude want to date you and its all just so confusing. It really doesn't help that when I encounter a good looking person of the opposite sex, my brain decides that the best plan for success is to resort back to 13 year old Hannah. I'm so awkward its painful.

5. Sexting
I'm pretty good at writing, but I am the worst at sexting. Mostly because I think its super awkward and I don't quite see the point of it. I never know what to say, and then I just feel so stupid. Plus I think that sending naked pictures to someone is the dumbest thing in the entire world. I don't know who is going to see them besides that other person. Yeah you can try to keep them a secret, I've had so many people be like "OMG LOOK AT THIS PICTURE ________ JUST SENT ME!" And Snapchat is no different. Those pictures have to get stored somewhere, right? I don't want some rando looking at my boobs. Seriously guys, just stop sending naked pictures to people. Sorry, I got a little distracted for a second. But for real, when did sexting become a thing? I do have to say, 10 points to whomever coined the term "sexting". Absolute genius on their part. My apologies to the last poor soul who attempted to sext me, because I had to be like "yo I don't have time for your scandalous shit, I'm trying to fill out a coaches test that I forgot about".

UGH. Its just going to be me and my beta fish fo life.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Hannah gets a fish.

"Everybody that I know is getting married, and I'm thinking about getting a fish." 

I said these exact words yesterday while talking to one of my supervisors and a couple of my coworkers about the fact that we're at the age where a lot of people are getting married, and Facebook tends to be flooded with pictures of engagement rings and babies. Sometimes both, depending on the person. 

Normally I'm pretty content with not having my shit together. Its nothing new for me, I've never been a planner. But every once in a while, I really sit down and evaluate my life, and then I sort of panic. This week has been one of those times. Facebook (really, at this point you'd think I would just delete it so I could feel better about my life, but then who would I share my funny stories with???) has just been bursting at the seams with people making announcements of career and life achievements, and for some reason I freaked out. Luckily I was not alone in this, because my roommate was feeling the exact same way, so we had some fun roomie bonding of "hey let's sit on your bed and talk about how we're not doing anything with our lives". It was super fun, I'm sure you're all really jealous. The funniest part of the whole thing is that for the first time since college, both of my parents are actually really amped with my life choices. They think that Portland is just the greatest place in the whole wide world, and could not be more proud of their sweet Hannah. Seriously, my mom pretty much wrote that last bit in her birthday card. This freaks me out a lot. Are they actually proud of me, or have they just given up on all of their career aspirations for me and are just excited that I'm able to pay rent and keep myself fed??? My mom recently had to bail me out a little when I had to get two new debit cards in two weeks (soooooooo stupid), so I have not been feeling very adult like. 

Today was different. I woke up this morning and was like "I am a goddamn adult. I eat oatmeal for breakfast, I pay bills on time, I can totally be responsible for another life. Today I am going to buy a fish". Now for some people this might not be that big of a deal, but it is for me. When I was 19, I got a surge of domestic responsibility, and I went and bought a frog. I named him Reptar, and we lived happily for about a month, until he suddenly died and left me with a broken heart and a terrarium full of crickets. This was really upsetting. Then we had a string of ugly fish deaths in the Vieja (one got electrocuted, three were sort of forgotten about) and I was pretty nervous to be responsible for the life of something other than myself. But today I did it. I finally took the plunge and bought myself a pet fish. I got the fish, I got the bowl, I got the drops to make sure the chlorine in the water won't kill him, I even got him a ninja turtle figurine to make his fishbowl look extra badass. 

.......Then I got home and realized that I had forgotten to buy any fish food. 

Leonardo in all of his glory. 

Monday, July 7, 2014

A letter to my debit card

Dear debit card,

I'm sorry that you had to die an incredibly tragic death after only a week due to my stupidity and selective listening. I truly thought that we were destined for a long and happy life together, full of trips to Starbucks and other adventures of the financially inept. You were just a little nugget trying to do your best, and I let you be eaten by an ATM. I hope you know how badly my heart hurt when I heard the words "automatically destroyed". Ugh, simply writing the words brings a stab of pain. Our time together was brief, but it was true. Fourth of July was fun, and you purchased my groceries at New Seasons yesterday like the goddamn champion that you were.

Rest assured that you will not be forgotten, because "that one time that Hannah had to get two new debit cards in two weeks" will certainly go down in history as one of the dumbest things that I have ever done. I hope the universe chooses to avenge your death and the death of the card before you by making the guy in Turkey slam his shin into every coffee table he passes, not notice he is out of toilet paper until after he poops, and always be stuck next to the smelliest person on public transportation.

Goodbye, sweet friend.


Sunday, July 6, 2014

The Waypost: where everybody knows your name

The Waypost is a bar that's about a block from my house, and it is hipster to the core. Seriously, think of the most hipster place that you've ever been in your life, then multiply it by 750 and that's the Waypost. Weirdly enough, I love it. I think its because its also one of the weirdest places I've ever been. Its really tiny, and apparently the owner is from Arizona, so it looks like it would fit right in if it were in Tucson. You never know what you're going to find at this place, and here are the experiences that Paulina and I have had there so far.

" you think they'll still serve us tea?"  
We started off on the appropriately weird note for this place. Both Paulina and I were under the impression that it was a coffee shop that was open really late, so one night we were both like "oh hey I really want some tea and a cookie but its like 10 pm, want to go check out that Waypost place?" And since we were just going to get some late night tea, we did not feel the need to dress up. Paulina was wearing leggings and a sweatshirt, and I was in sweats. We get there and SURPRISE, its a bar. Like full on crowded bar scene filled with people drinking alcoholic beverages while wearing their hipster best. Both Paulina and I just stood there so awkwardly in our pajamas trying to figure out where we had gone wrong in our lives. The bartender thought this was the funniest thing in the entire world and still made us tea. We drank our tea at a little table that had a drawer in it, and the drawer was filled with all sorts of bar doodles from the hipsters who came before us, which was pretty cool. One person wrote a really long letter that I'm pretty sure was supposed to be super profound, but their handwriting was not great. We found some pens and decided to leave our mark. I drew a dinosaur (obviously) and Paulina tried to write a love letter to her soulmate, but unfortunately her pen ran out of ink.

The poetry slam 
Another night, Paulina got super amped on us going out and doing activities, and I was not feeling it at all. Finally I agreed to grab a beer at the Waypost, on the condition that I wasn't actually going to change out of my sweats. So we go, and we walk into a full on slam poetry situation. Paulina couldn't deal, and walked out immediately laughing her ass off. I went after her and was like "no. You dragged me out of bed for this, we are having a beer". The lady kept slamming her poetry, and we tried so hard to follow but we couldn't. Apparently some of her poems were really funny, but honestly we had no idea what was happening. I don't think we're deep enough for hipster slam poetry. The bartender who served us tea was also there, and he remembered our names. Unfortunately for him, I called him Brian even though his name is Antonio.

This sums up how thrilled I was to go out that night.

Hipster friends 
Before this night, every time Paulina and I have gone to the Waypost, we have made absolutely no effort to make any new friends. We never wear anything besides workout stuff (or sweats in my case) and we usually sit in the front area and eat our nachos and drink our beer in a very anti-social manner while making fun of all the hipsters around us. We're those girls who don't talk to anyone but each other and the bartenders. One night we decided to change all of that. We made efforts to wear hipster things (I wore my thick rimmed glasses, we both wore plaid) and we went to go and see what was happening. There was a band playing, the bartender remembered our names, we got some beer, we were ready for friendship. Unfortunately, friendship wasn't ready for us. Not a single person talked to us the entire time we were there. At one point we were sitting at a table and literally every single person was on the opposite side of the room from us. This was a little bit devastating, but luckily the band started playing songs on ukeleles and that made everything better. As we were leaving, this super badass looking girl started talking to us about how she had hitchhiked her way to Portland and had been sleeping under bridges. We kept our cool while we were talking to her, but as soon as we walked away both of us were like "OH MY GOD SOMEONE ACTUALLY SPOKE TO US!!!!!!!!!" It was a big moment, because apparently Paulina and I are 13.

The Waypost serves brunch on the weekends, and it has saved our lives a time or two (or a lot) when we've either gone out the night before or are just too lazy/haven't bought groceries and don't want to make breakfast. Most of the time its pretty standard: we wake up a tad hungover/Paulina drags me out of bed around 10:30, Paulina puts on real clothes, I stay in whatever I happen to be wearing, we drag ourselves the block and a half down the street and then sit down to a delicious breakfast. I broke the routine a little bit after the Pants off/Dance off party (see previous blog post if you don't know what I'm talking about) when I woke up more hungover than I have been in a good long minute. It was one of those hangovers where you have to lay in bed for a couple of hours regretting all of your previous life choices while trying to evolve into an actual human being. I kind of thought I was dead, but I finally managed to stumble down the street around 2:30 pm (brunch is served until 3 pm) because I figured that eating something would make me feel better. I was wrong. I ordered my food and sat down, and everything was just too much to deal with. The walls were too bright, the music was too loud, I was too hot, and I took exactly one bite of my breakfast and was like I am going to vomit. I went back to the bar and had to explain to the bartender that I had greatly underestimated the dire situation of my hangover and that I needed a to-go box at that exact moment because I really wasn't going to make it. She laughed at me and got me the box, and I made it home.

In case you couldn't tell, if you come to visit we will go to the Waypost more than once. Its magical.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Naked Portland

Oh hello friends! Blogging once a month is how you become internet famous, right? Anywho, tomorrow I will have lived in Portland for two months (!!!) and I have to say, this city has welcomed me with an unusual amount of nudity. That probably sounds pretty weird, so let me explain. 


When I first heard of stripperoke, I didn't believe that it actually existed. If you know me, you know that I really like both strip clubs and singing karaoke, so the idea that I could sing karaoke at a strip club was really just too good to be true. But it exists, and it is fabulous.  I really just can't stress enough how much I love it. It is held every Sunday night at a strip club in town called Devil's Point, and you sing karaoke on a stage while a girl shakes her boobies and does lots of acrobatic things on a pole to your sweet jams. The first time I went, I had no idea what I was getting into. First of all, Devil's Point looks sketchy as fuck. Its basically the dive bar of the strip club world. I'll be honest, I went in thinking the strippers were going to be the girls who clearly have some serious daddy issues and minor meth addictions, but I could not have been more wrong. These girls are the most athletic strippers that I have ever seen. I want to work out with them because their bodies are fierce. The girl who performed while I was singing was defying some serious lays of both gravity and physics with the things that she was doing. Oh, did I not mention that I sang?? I stood up on a stage in front of a large crowd of people and sang "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" by The Darkness while a topless girl danced around and did flips and shit.  Just let that mental picture sink in for a minute, because it was just as funny as it sounds. My favorite stripper (I've gone more than once) has the funniest signature move that I have ever seen. She does kind of a weird handstand on the lap of a guy sitting by the stage, so her ass is in his face. Then she shakes around for a minute before slamming her ass back into the poor guy's face really hard. I have a friend who got a bloody nose from this move. Yeah that's right, this girl's ass is so firm that she can give dudes a bloody nose. I saw her do it to another guy, and he was like "I think I just got my nose broken by a butt hole". SO FUNNY. 
Oh! Speaking of the second time that I went to stripperoke, I went with a guy who I knew in high school that I hadn't seen in about 6 years and was randomly in Portland for a night with some of his friends on their way to Seattle. One of his friends sang "Let's Get It On" and it was freaking magical. So basically I'm the best person to visit, because I'll take you to go and sing karaoke with naked girls. 

Portland does this thing every year called The World Naked Bike Ride, and its exactly what it sounds like. Thousands (no joke) of people ride their bikes through the streets naked (or as naked as you want. Their motto is "go as bare as you dare") as a protest against the over-use of crude oil and exposing the vulnerability of cyclists. Fun fact, the reason that they are ale to do this is because naked protesting is a form of free speech, so as long as you're protesting, you can just let your bits fly free with no fear of getting arrested for public indecency. The ride was last night, and good lord, it was a sight to be seen. I was not an active participant (mostly because I don't own a bicycle) but I was able to catch a little bit of it. My plan was to cruise downtown and see some of the ride, then cruise back to my house to get ready for a party my friend was throwing after the ride, but I ended up not having to go because as I was walking to the bus stop a full on fleet of naked cyclists zoomed by me and I decided that was enough of the ride for me, so I went to a bar by my house and ate some nachos to recover from the surprise amount of dong that I had just witnessed. Then I met up with one of my homegirls, and after a small(ish) amount of pre-gaming, we headed over to my friend's party. The party was called "Pants Off, Dance Off" and I tell you what. I wore a tutu and a bandeau and was significantly overdressed. 

Ah Portland, I like you for your weirdness and your awkward amounts of nudity. 

Friday, May 16, 2014

Things I've learned from Space Jam

Space Jam is one of my favorite movies in the entire world. I was thinking about it today, and you know what? There are actually a lot of life lessons to be learned from Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes crew. I think these are things that everyone should know, so here you go! You're welcome.

1. Nobody is good at everything. 
I don't care what you think, Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player in the history of ever. I mean seriously, remember the opening montage from the movie?! Ridiculous. Plus he goes full on animated and scores the winning shot against the Monstars. But even though he was this super kick ass athlete on the court, he sucked at baseball. He was embarrassing. But he played it because in the beginning of the movie little Michael told his dad that he was going to play professional baseball.  Sometimes you try new things and you suck at them. Its OK to not be good at everything you try, because sometimes you're just bad at stuff. Michael is bad at baseball, I'm bad at cooking. 

2. Sometimes you need to ask for help. 
Bugs Bunny and his homies thought they had everything under control when they first challenged the tiny aliens to a basketball game, but then the tiny aliens stole the NBA talent and everything sort of went to shit. Instead of trying to beat the Monstars by themselves, the Looney Tunes characters understood that they were in way over their heads, so they went and asked for help. Pride can be tricky, but its important to remember that you really don't have to face anything completely alone. Guaranteed there is at least one person in your life who will be willing to help you out. This is something that I need to work on. 

3. Sometimes its the most unexpected people who save the day 
There is no denying that Michael Jordan is the hero of Space Jam, but Bill Murray and the fat guy from Jurassic Park also have their shining moments. Stan was the one who figured out how the Monstars got their talent, and Bill jumped in so that the Tune Squad didn't have to forfeit the game after Bugs got hurt. Its important to put a little faith in people instead of just writing them off, because sometimes they can surprise you.

4. You can always make a comeback 
In the first half of the game, the Tune Squad pretty much gets their asses handed to them. At one point, the scoreboard goes through the numbers really really fast until it stops and just says "its a little one-sided, isn't it?" Then Michael and Bugs trick the rest of the team into drinking the special drink which all of a sudden makes them awesome. He then gives them a motivational speech about how it was really just water and the talent was inside of them the entire time. Seriously, it rivals the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks as my favorite motivational sports moment. Then they go on to win the game and goddamn is it inspirational. It can feel like the odds are completely stacked against you, but if you ask for help and believe in yourself, its always possible to get your shit together.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Saturday Thoughts Vol. 4..................The Sunday Edition

Yeah I know its Sunday, but whatever. Maybe I'll just change this to Weekend Thoughts? Anywho, here's what I've been thinking about!

1. Vibes 
I have come to the conclusion that I give off very weird vibes. When I was in Flagstaff I got stitches in my neck (broken blood vessel situation, it was gross) but I had to get them removed in Portland because I got them the day before I left. After she took them out, the doctor here was like "OK now try not to get punched in the neck". Totally serious, like getting punched in the neck is something that happens to me on the reg. Then my friend's dad was in town for a couple of days, and he told to be careful of bar fights. This was also a thing in South Dakota, I drove the company truck to Montana one day and multiple people asked me if I had any warrants for my arrest out in that state.

2. Jobs 
I got a job at an athletic club in town and I'm pretty amped. Its a super elite and fancy establishment (think "country club in a city" sort of deal) so apparently my hood rat vibes did not overpower my other awesome qualities. Unfortunately, I let all of my certifications expire when I was in Hawaii, so I have to re-take the lifeguarding class. I haven't read the lifeguarding manual since I was about 18, so we'll see how this goes. Haha

3. High School 
Portland is weird. A lot of people I went to high school with live here, and I've been hanging out with them a lot. But the two that I hang out with the most are people that I didn't actually stay in touch with after high school, so its been extra weird. I saw both of them the first night I was here, and it was one of those " have you been the last couple of years?" situations. Its been a lot of fun though. Also a guy I went to high school with who also lived on Oahu lives here too, so that's pretty cool.

4. Hipsters 
Hipsters. Ugh. I hate hipsters. I promise I will write an actual post in the near future going into more details about this hate, but I'm too lazy. So just take my word for it, there are a shitload of hipsters in Portland, and I am having a hard time dealing with all of them.

5. Clothing 
I am so bad at Portland. I never seem to be wearing a raincoat when its raining, or wearing pants when its cold out......its a mess. And being super underdressed is apparently my thing in this city. I've unintentionally worn sweat pants to TWO different bars, and I accidentally went to happy hour at this place called Portland City Grill wearing a hoodie and polka dot under armour running shorts. Its on like the 30th floor of a building downtown and was full of working professionals. So that was embarrassing.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Can't even find the stop for the Struggle Bus

I have a shockingly terrible sense of direction. People think I'm kidding when I say this, but its really bad. Most of the time its just little things, but occasionally I get so lost that its just too ridiculous. Today was my first time getting so lost that I almost cried in Portland, and I am going to share it with all of you! Don't you just feel so lucky? 

Today I went to visit my roommate at work for the first time. Getting to the actual place was fine, its two bus rides and you're golden. Total, it takes about half an hour. I hung out there for a little bit drinking italian sodas and discussing our very hipster Easter (originally this was going to be a post about how much I hate hipsters, but then I got lost and I decided that story was the one that needed to be told) and then around 3 pm I decided to head home. 


I have no idea what happened, but her building was like a goddamn black hole. Seriously, I was defying some laws of physics or something, because no matter what direction I tried to walk I was always going to opposite direction of the stupid Google Maps thing. Every. Single. Time. I didn't even know that was possible. I just kept walking around this stupid building, before I finally found a stop for the city car thing. Of course, I round the corner just as the fucking thing leaves. WHOMP WHOMP. I didn't feel like waiting there for the next one to come, so I decided to find another bus stop (because clearly I was so good at that). I finally got on track with the Google Maps dot, and I'm cruising, when all of a sudden it takes me to this giant tower looking thing and basically tells me to continue straight through it. I figured GM was lying to me, so I turned around and then was back at Paulina's stupid building again, and at that point I was basically convinced that I was just going to have to live there. I decided to give the tower route another shot, so I went back that way and headed to the elevator that was at the bottom. It took me up to this giant bridge, and then  Google told me that the bus stop was in the middle of a pedestrian bridge. It wasn't. In case you can't tell, Google Maps and I are in a fight right now. I continue across the bridge, and ended up in a full on residential neighborhood. At this point I had been trying to find a bus stop for almost 45 minutes, so I was very upset. I said "where the fuck am I" out loud, and because I had headphones in it was a lot louder than I thought. This homeless guy looked over at me and was like "you're on planet earth". COOL GUY, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE HELP, I REALLY APPRECIATE IT. 

I finally found a bus stop, and the numbers of the buses matched up with the ones that Google was telling me I needed to use. Hooray! So the 17 rolls up and I get on, super amped to finally be heading home. I sit down, look at my phone, and just watch the little blue dot start moving the exact opposite direction of where I needed to be going. No joke, I almost cried. Turns out I forgot the small detail that its actually really important to know what direction you should be going. I figured I would get off at the next stop, but that took forever because the bus took me across a bridge spanning a large body of water. Unfortunate. Also unfortunate, the bus stop that I got off at appeared to be located in Sketchville, USA. After the bus left I was standing there trying to figure out where I had gone wrong with my life, when this large man just walked up next to me, grabbed a paper bag that was sitting on the ground and proceeded to chug the contents of the paper bag. That he had just picked up. Off the ground. Yup. I could see the bus stop that I needed to be at across the street, but it was a busy 4-lane road with no cross walks in sight. It felt like 400 years, but really I think it was about 5 minutes before I finally got to a cross walk. I crossed the road and found a bus stop, and finally got on the stupid 17 going in the right fucking direction. 

Before I get into the next part of the story, I think its important for everyone to know that I have a really bad habit of just full on ignoring my GPS. It'll be like "OK you need to get off at ______ stop" and I'll be like "that's cool. I'm gonna get off at this one instead. Just to make things a little bit more interesting". I have no idea why I do it, but its a thing. I also do it in cars, where I'll just randomly take the wrong exit. Anyway, back to the adventure. I'm sitting on the bus, and I vaguely hear the announcement that the next stop has a connection to the 4. My brain was like "OH! THERE IS A BUS STOP FOR THE 4 A STONE'S TOSS FROM MY HOUSE, I SHOULD TOTALLY GET OFF HERE SO I CAN GET ON THE 4". So………..I got off the bus. Turns out the connecting bus stop was actually a little bit of a walk away, and at that point I full on thought I was going to be homeless. Like oh yeah, I have a house that I pay for and has all of my stuff in it, but I can't find it so now I live on the streets. Just as I had accepted my homelessness as a fact and was trying to decide what corner I was going to live on, I finally found the stop. Seriously, I'm pretty sure I heard Jesus and all of the angels singing my praises. The best part was that it ended up being a 5 minute bus ride to get to my stop, and I didn't get lost because you can literally see my house from this bus stop. I finally got home at 4:50 pm. Yeah. It took me almost 2 hours to get home from a place that it took me 30 minutes to get to. So stupid. 

Oh, and I took this picture at one of the 47 bus stops that I went to today. It basically sums up my entire afternoon. 

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Saturday Thoughts Vol. 3

We finally got internet, so I was going to write a Saturday Thoughts that would update everyone on how Portland has been so far, but I am way too lazy. So here's something I wrote on the plane when I was coming out here. Enjoy. Also, sorry the format is so fucked, but I just copied it from Word and I am way too lazy to fix it. 

True Life: I’m not a fan of flying.  I’m on a plane right now, and to take my mind off of being 30,000 ft in the air I’m going to watch Iron Man and tell you about some of the weirder flights I’ve been on.

 Switzerland    When I was 10, my dad was living in Zurich and I went to go visit him. The day before I left, I got the worst stomach flu I have ever gotten in my life. Nobody could get ahold of my dad, so at 10 years old I flew overseas by myself puking every 30 minutes or so. The plus side was that nobody wants to sit next to the girl who’s puking her brains out, so I got the entire middle row to myself.

I did a foreign exchange program in Belgium my junior year of high school, and I got in a car accident a couple of days before I left. My face got fucked up by the airbag, which made flying super uncomfortable. I had to get special permission to bring the topical medicine on board, because it was a big tube, but I had to put the medicine on my face every hour. It was so dumb, and I met my host family looking like I had just gotten my ass kicked.

The summer before my senior year of college (OH SWEET JESUS THERE IS TURBULANCE WE ARE GOING TO DIE) I went to Europe to visit my friend who had spent the semester studying in Italy. I sat down ready to sweat through 14 hours of airtime, when the guy one seat away from me looks over and says “just to let you know, I fucking hate flying”. I just kind of sat there and was like “uhhh……well that’s a bummer”. He looks me dead in the eye and goes “I’ve already been drinking, and I’m going to drink the entire flight. Are you old enough to drink?” I had been 21 for exactly 4 days before this, so we proceeded to get hammered. I have never had so many rum and cokes in my life. This made trying to navigate through the Frankfurt airport to get through customs and catch my connecting flight to Milan super exciting.

 Coming home from Italy   The return trip from Italy was a goddamn mess. My flight from Milan to Frankfurt was scheduled to leave at 7:30 am, which meant I had to be at the airport at around 5:30 am. I didn’t know that the bus stopped going to the airport at 11:00 pm, and didn’t start again until 7:00 am. This meant that I had to spend the night at the Milan airport by myself. I didn’t want to sleep because I didn’t want my belongings stolen, so I drank my body weight in caffeinated beverages and pretty much just sat there twitching until I could board my plane and pass out. After I got to Frankfurt (sober, this time) I boarded a plane for one of the Carolinas, but I forget which. I sat next to a guy who looked like Jesus, and we drank a lot of wine and watched movies together. It was pretty magical. I arrived to whichever Carolina we were going to not very sober. Then the real fun began. The flight to Phoenix ended up getting delayed for almost 5 hours. This was because (no joke) they left the plane on the tarmac for too long and it was too hot, so they had to let it cool down. Then, in the process of cooling down the plane, they found some sort of mechanical problems. At this point, I had slept for about 2 hours in the last 30, so I was not a very happy camper. I kept going to the Starbucks, and I’m 99% sure the barista thought I was on drugs. By the time we finally got on the plane, I had basically become convinced that I was going to have to live at the airport like Tom Hanks did in that one movie nobody actually saw.

 Hawaii  Flying back to Hawaii after my knee surgery was ridiculous. My little sister was flying out to visit our dad the same day, and because I couldn’t function by myself, I had to go with her and was at the airport over 5 hours early. I just posted up in the airport café watching Netflix with my leg propped up on my suitcase. I had hoarded my last two prescription painkillers, and I popped them as soon as I got on the flight. This young couple was sitting next to me, and I feel so bad for them because I was a mess. I watched the first 30 minutes of The Big Lebowski laughing my ass off, then passed out on the guy next to me. When I woke up I decided that I needed to ice my knee, and I spilled the ice cubes all over myself. To top it off, every time they asked me what things they should do, I couldn’t quite remember the names for anything, so I just made shit up.   

Well this was fun. I’m going to watch Iron Man now.