Monday, April 21, 2014

Can't even find the stop for the Struggle Bus

I have a shockingly terrible sense of direction. People think I'm kidding when I say this, but its really bad. Most of the time its just little things, but occasionally I get so lost that its just too ridiculous. Today was my first time getting so lost that I almost cried in Portland, and I am going to share it with all of you! Don't you just feel so lucky? 

Today I went to visit my roommate at work for the first time. Getting to the actual place was fine, its two bus rides and you're golden. Total, it takes about half an hour. I hung out there for a little bit drinking italian sodas and discussing our very hipster Easter (originally this was going to be a post about how much I hate hipsters, but then I got lost and I decided that story was the one that needed to be told) and then around 3 pm I decided to head home. 


I have no idea what happened, but her building was like a goddamn black hole. Seriously, I was defying some laws of physics or something, because no matter what direction I tried to walk I was always going to opposite direction of the stupid Google Maps thing. Every. Single. Time. I didn't even know that was possible. I just kept walking around this stupid building, before I finally found a stop for the city car thing. Of course, I round the corner just as the fucking thing leaves. WHOMP WHOMP. I didn't feel like waiting there for the next one to come, so I decided to find another bus stop (because clearly I was so good at that). I finally got on track with the Google Maps dot, and I'm cruising, when all of a sudden it takes me to this giant tower looking thing and basically tells me to continue straight through it. I figured GM was lying to me, so I turned around and then was back at Paulina's stupid building again, and at that point I was basically convinced that I was just going to have to live there. I decided to give the tower route another shot, so I went back that way and headed to the elevator that was at the bottom. It took me up to this giant bridge, and then  Google told me that the bus stop was in the middle of a pedestrian bridge. It wasn't. In case you can't tell, Google Maps and I are in a fight right now. I continue across the bridge, and ended up in a full on residential neighborhood. At this point I had been trying to find a bus stop for almost 45 minutes, so I was very upset. I said "where the fuck am I" out loud, and because I had headphones in it was a lot louder than I thought. This homeless guy looked over at me and was like "you're on planet earth". COOL GUY, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE HELP, I REALLY APPRECIATE IT. 

I finally found a bus stop, and the numbers of the buses matched up with the ones that Google was telling me I needed to use. Hooray! So the 17 rolls up and I get on, super amped to finally be heading home. I sit down, look at my phone, and just watch the little blue dot start moving the exact opposite direction of where I needed to be going. No joke, I almost cried. Turns out I forgot the small detail that its actually really important to know what direction you should be going. I figured I would get off at the next stop, but that took forever because the bus took me across a bridge spanning a large body of water. Unfortunate. Also unfortunate, the bus stop that I got off at appeared to be located in Sketchville, USA. After the bus left I was standing there trying to figure out where I had gone wrong with my life, when this large man just walked up next to me, grabbed a paper bag that was sitting on the ground and proceeded to chug the contents of the paper bag. That he had just picked up. Off the ground. Yup. I could see the bus stop that I needed to be at across the street, but it was a busy 4-lane road with no cross walks in sight. It felt like 400 years, but really I think it was about 5 minutes before I finally got to a cross walk. I crossed the road and found a bus stop, and finally got on the stupid 17 going in the right fucking direction. 

Before I get into the next part of the story, I think its important for everyone to know that I have a really bad habit of just full on ignoring my GPS. It'll be like "OK you need to get off at ______ stop" and I'll be like "that's cool. I'm gonna get off at this one instead. Just to make things a little bit more interesting". I have no idea why I do it, but its a thing. I also do it in cars, where I'll just randomly take the wrong exit. Anyway, back to the adventure. I'm sitting on the bus, and I vaguely hear the announcement that the next stop has a connection to the 4. My brain was like "OH! THERE IS A BUS STOP FOR THE 4 A STONE'S TOSS FROM MY HOUSE, I SHOULD TOTALLY GET OFF HERE SO I CAN GET ON THE 4". So………..I got off the bus. Turns out the connecting bus stop was actually a little bit of a walk away, and at that point I full on thought I was going to be homeless. Like oh yeah, I have a house that I pay for and has all of my stuff in it, but I can't find it so now I live on the streets. Just as I had accepted my homelessness as a fact and was trying to decide what corner I was going to live on, I finally found the stop. Seriously, I'm pretty sure I heard Jesus and all of the angels singing my praises. The best part was that it ended up being a 5 minute bus ride to get to my stop, and I didn't get lost because you can literally see my house from this bus stop. I finally got home at 4:50 pm. Yeah. It took me almost 2 hours to get home from a place that it took me 30 minutes to get to. So stupid. 

Oh, and I took this picture at one of the 47 bus stops that I went to today. It basically sums up my entire afternoon. 

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