Saturday, March 29, 2014

Saturday Thoughts Vol. 2

As of right this second, Saturday Thoughts is going to be a thing. So here are some of my thoughts from the past week!

I had such a weird dream last night. I don't know the exact context of the first bit, but it involved a video of me posing for a picture with a shark, and in the background of the video a shark almost attacked me but someone's hand blocked it. I remember dream Hannah being like "wow, I can't wait to show this to everyone". In the second part of the dream, I was with the Secret Service helping to protect the President, and at one point we were in this room and this girl started taking pictures and was like "now I have photographic evidence that the President was with Russian prostitutes", so I punched her in the face and stole the camera. Clearly, I have been watching too much "House of Cards". I don't know how to explain the sharks though.

2. FLIGHT 370 
WHERE THE HELL IS THIS PLANE?!?! I don't know why, but I am obsessed with finding it. I think its because I just can't wrap my head around the fact that its just gone. I mean, everyone always bitches about how much the governments of different countries are always getting in everyone's business, and yet nobody can find this goddamn aircraft. Until proven otherwise, I'm convinced that we're actually in an episode of The Twilight Zone. Its just so weird to me that if the technology exists to find an iPhone almost anywhere, finding a plane should be cake.

Speaking of airplanes, I am so not excited for all of the flying that is in my near future. In 6 days I fly back to Arizona, and then 5 days after that I fly to Portland. Missing airplanes aside, I am not a huge fan of flying. I think I might do a post dedicated to the weirdest flights that I've had.

The other night, I watched (well, sort of. I slept through part of it) a thing on Animal Planet called "Mermaids: The Body Found". The idea behind it is that the sonar testing the Navy is doing in the oceans are disrupting a form of marine life that was previously undiscovered, and some scientists are claiming that they're mermaids. I mean, the thing is clearly a hoax (the point of it was for people to focus on the negative impact of sonar testing on the whale population), but it did get me thinking. I hope that mermaids are real, but I hope that they look like Ariel, and not how they looked in this thing, because they looked like the creature from the Black Lagoon.
Mermaids: The Body Found 

I'm reading the Harry Potter series again for the first time in a couple of years, and I'm on "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix". Holy crap, I forgot how terrible Dolores Umbridge is in the book. Don't get me wrong, she's awful in the movie, but in the book she is just so hateful! Ugh, she just makes me so angry, and I can't wait until I get to the part of the book where she gets what's coming to her in the Forbidden Forest. What a bitch. I would also like to add that this book is probably my least favorite in the entire series. 

Jesus H. Christ on a bicycle, this is pretty high up there in creepiest things that I have ever read. If you're too lazy to read the whole thing, its about a lady who died in the backseat of her car in 2009 (the car was in the garage) AND NOBODY KNEW ABOUT IT UNTIL THEY FOUND HER BODY LAST MONTH. Yeah, you read this right. This woman was dead in her garage for FIVE YEARS and nobody had a clue. She had no close friends or family, her neighbors all thought she was traveling for work (so they spent five years maintaining her lawn, WTF), she had left her job so nobody was expecting her there, and all of her bills were auto-pay, so nobody knew that anything was wrong until her money ran out and the bank foreclosed on her house and the house was like OH SURPRISE HERE SHE IS. Ew. Guys, this is why its really important to have a least one real life friend who will notice if they don't hear from you, even if you are still paying your bills on time. I just can't believe that not a single person was like "yo I haven't seen Pia in a minute. I should call her and catch up". Yikes. 

Parents who refuse to get their kids vaccinated because they think vaccines cause autism make me SO ANGRY. Especially with the outbreak of measles in California. Guys, come on. The scientist who initially made the claims linking vaccinations to childhood autism retracted his statement. Go and get your stupid kids vaccinated. Think of the other kids! Its really really mean, but if you don't get your kid vaccinated, that's your business. But don't put a bunch of other little kids in danger. Ugh. I can't. This is so frustrating. 

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Living with family.

When you're in a terrible mood, living with family is the worst. Today was not awesome, and all I want to do is eat some McDonald's, binge watch House of Cards and drink a lot of wine straight out of the bottle. But I can't do that, because that is the sort of behavior that family members tend to judge you for. Living with roommates can be a huge pain in the ass, but nobody gives a shit what they think about you when they come home to you sitting on the kitchen floor pounding wine because your day was a giant butt hole. In fact, most of the time they join you, or at the very least are like "I understand. Carry on".  Grandparents, not so much.

So why was today so horrible? Well, I sort of just woke up in a shitty mood. It was one of those mornings where you wake up and you feel like the day is going to be a bad one, then you notice the tickle in your throat and check your phone only to see that its 7º outside you're like "yup, today is going to suck". So naturally I stayed in bed a lot longer than I should have, so when I went to the bathroom and realized that my hair had decided to channel its inner Mufasa, there was no time to fix it. Then I noticed that my face was breaking out, so the whole plan of looking super good to balance out my shit mood was a no-go. Unfortunate.

Then I got to work and the day kind of kept going in a downward motion. I had to deal with the scanner.Those of you who follow me on any other social media know that I have been at war with the scanner I'm using since January. Seriously, this scanner is a bitch. And it doesn't help that its totally joined up with the computer, so when one struggles it sends the other one into a fit and then everything just sort of goes to shit. Its brand new too, so it has no excuse to be such a butt hole. Its just an office diva. Most days, it works really well until about 3:30 pm. This works for me, because I'm able to actually be pretty productive until everything starts getting all flustered. But as soon as I hit the power button today, it was like "hmmm……………….nah". On top of not feeling good and already being in a bad mood, this was less than ideal.


I started writing this as soon as I got home, and I clearly was not a very happy camper. I just wanted to bitch about stuff, and where better to do that then here? Well, here's where the flip side of living with family comes in. They're good at cheering you up. Instead of drowning my sorrows in alcohol and a burger, I ate a very delicious home cooked meal and watched some TV with my grandparents. I am definitely in a better mood, and don't have to deal with the mcguilt of eating possibly the world's unhealthiest food. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that after living on your own for awhile, living with family again is very weird and a big adjustment. There's a lot of stuff you can't really do (binge watch Netflix, come home wasted, etc.) but there are some definite perks (home cooked meal, quality family time, etc.). It has been an experience, and as much as I love my family, I am ready to live on my own again. 

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Saturday thoughts

I've noticed that a lot of bloggers have some sort of organization to their posts, so I'm thinking about doing one every Saturday that is just random thoughts that I've had throughout the week. I haven't decided yet, so check in next Saturday to see if this is actually going to be a thing.

So…..yeah. Here are the thoughts for this week.

Fred Phelps died this week. For those of you who have been hiding under a rock, he's the founder of the Westboro Baptist Church. They're the people who picket funerals, and its pretty much agreed that he was the most hated man alive. He was a truly hateful man, but I'm sort of conflicted on how I feel about his death. Part of me truly does believe that the world is better off without him, but I also feel like a huge hypocrite saying anything disrespectful towards his death, since that sort of behavior is what made him so hated in the first place. I mean obviously he took it to the absolute extreme, but you get what I'm talking about. And according to pretty much every article I've read about his death, he was excommunicated from the church a couple of months ago because he thought they should show more kindness towards others. Whatever the case, he was a deeply troubled man, and I hope the church sort of falls apart without him.

Full disclosure: I haven't had a boyfriend since Myspace was a thing (good lord), so most of this is from observations I have made. I think that social media is sort of ruining dating. These days you meet someone, go home and find their social media profiles, creep on them, then keep your fingers crossed that you don't accidentally reveal something on your coffee date that you found out from some light internet stalking. Also, social media makes it a lot easier to be paranoid about infidelity. "Who is that girl who liked his picture/why is that guy commenting on everything/ oh my God do you think they look like a couple in that Instagram picture?!" These sound insane, but I promise you I have heard people say all of them. I even know someone who made a fake Snapchat profile to see who her boyfriend sends/receives most of his pictures from. What?! And don't even get me started on Internet dating, because that shit is whack.

Have you ever watched the show on the E! Network?!  Holy shit, they are brutal. Basically the entire show is Joan Rivers, Kelly Osbourne and some other people discussing what celebrities have been wearing, and it is rough. They're so mean! I'm sorry, but Joan Rivers isn't funny. She is a fucking bully. I'm glad I'm not a celebrity, because I can guarantee that Joan would make me cry over my outfit choices.

I don't know why, but it sort of blows my mind that Princess Buttercup and Claire Underwood are played by the same person. Also, I think I need to go and watch Pay It Forward so I can remind myself that sometimes Kevin Spacey plays nice people and isn't always a scary sociopath.

It just came on TV and now I am so excited I can't stand it. Michael Jordan is the best and I will fight anyone who tries to tell me different. This movie is amazing and it should have won every award ever made.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014


This was inspired by the 754 posts that I have seen on the internet about things that you should know/learn to do in your 20's. These annoy me, because most of the time I don't know/haven't learned how to do most of the things on those lists,  so I decided to do the complete opposite. I'm 23, so I decided to list 23 things that I still don't know how to do. Here they are: 

I have been doing my own tax returns since I was 17, and every single year I'm convinced that the IRS will come knocking at my door and arrest me for tax fraud. There are just so many things! You have to fill out all these boxes and then there's all this "add boxes A-E and if the sum is greater than zero you owe us your first born child and a kitten". Ugh. I also have the nasty habit of working different jobs and moving to different states partway through the year, so my W2s are just a giant clusterfuck. There was actually one year where I did mess it up, and a very nice man named Hans at H&R Block had to help me out. Hans was such a champion. And I don't even have anything! If I ever get married and own a house I don't even know what I'll do. And if I have kids? Good lord, I'll probably just sit down at my computer and pass out. Hopefully, my boo will have better accounting knowledge than yours truly.

If I had a dollar for every person who has either told me that they would teach me how to cook or assured me that cooking really isn't that hard, I would have enough money to just hire my own team of private chefs. My problem is that cooking really stresses me out, and trying to cook more than one thing at a time? Forget it. It just turns into a hot mess. I can't even count the number of stuff that I've eaten that has been over/under cooked, a weird texture, or has just tasted flat out terrible. Its embarrassing. One excellent example of my lack of culinary skills is the time I started cooking bacon and just walked away in the middle of cooking it. I started watching TV, and then the smoke alarms went off. A domestic goddess, I am not.

I don't know where I was the day that we learned how to do this, but I can't walk in heels for shit. Seriously, I look like a man. My entire body tenses up and I look like an MMA fighter headed towards the ring. It is not cute. This actually doesn't have that much of an effect on my life; my achilles tendon does not appreciate being in that position for more than about 10 minutes, and I'm already 17 ft tall without them, but still. I see girls looking super fabulous in killer heels, and I can't help but feel a little jealous.

I know I've talked about it before, but gahdayum. I am so so so so so terrible at saving money. The lessons in fiscal responsibility must have been the same day we learned to walk in heels, because I completely missed it. A lot of people I know are in the process of buying houses, and I literally can't even fathom having that amount of financial responsibilities in my life. I don't even know what I spend all of my money on! I don't go shopping, ever. Actually, I do know. I spend it on going out to eat and feeding my insane Starbucks addiction. Its not ok.

I have no impulse control. One very important example of this is my dairy allergy. I know I'm allergic to dairy. I know that if I drink that drink from Starbucks that has milk in it will make me sick, but I drink it anyway. You'd think I would the intense stomach cramping would help me learn, but nope. I still eat the third slice of pizza and drink that creme brûlée latte. I also have a tendency to talk and act before I think, which has gotten me into a lot of trouble in my life. Also I tend to impulsively move places, which so far has not been a good look.

OK, I'm going to be completely honest with you guys. When it comes to how clumsy I am, I am super self conscious. Yeah, its funny to remember all the stupid shit that I've done (there are a lot of really funny stories that involve me falling over), but I die a little inside every time someone brings this stuff up. No exaggeration, I would sell my soul for grace. How to people do it?! You know the people I'm talking about. They have a fluidity to their movements that is absolutely beautiful to watch. I am not one of these people. I run into things a lot. I think this is partly based on a depth perception problem, so its not all my fault.

I really need to start doing stuff the exact moment that I think of it. Otherwise, I will completely forget about it until I am getting ready to go to sleep and then I'm like "OH GOD DAMMIT I FORGOT TO CALL THE DENTIST AGAIN".

To be a healthy, active member of society, you're supposed to get around 8 hours of sleep, and the majority of this sleep should happen before midnight. I don't do this ever. I usually get about 6 hours of sleep a night, and somehow the earlier I have to wake up, the later I end up going to sleep. My bedtime is usually anywhere between midnight and 1 am. I'm not an insomniac, and its not like I have homework that I need to be doing. For some reason, my brain is like "you don't need sleep. You need to watch the most recent episode of Teen Mom". Thanks brain. I have no problem sleeping during the day, though. I think my internal clock is a little behind the times (HA).

I've tried. If it wasn't written by Shel Silverstein, I'm really not interested.

Thank the sweet baby Jesus for Facebook, otherwise I really wouldn't know anyone's birthdays.  I mix up my parents' birthdays all the time, and I've been friends with my bestie since 4th grade and I still can't remember her birthday. I promise that I love you and want you to have the best birthday ever, it just might take me until the next day to remember that it was your special day.

Oh right! I have to plan things like dentist appointments and other doctor needs. Hey Google, how often do I need to go again?

12. PLAN 
I don't plan shit. Ever. Then I stress about the things I don't plan until they magically work out. Then something else happens and I don't plan for it……………lather, rinse, repeat. This can also be filed under "Needs to stop procrastinating everything".

This one is pretty self-explanatory. I don't drink like a normal person. I always end up coming home with souvenirs that you can sit on. Ask me about it sometime, I've got some really funny stories.

HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS?!?! Seriously, is there some website that people can go to that says what the latest thing is?!?! There are some people who are always on it, and half the time I don't even know what it is!!! I think this gets into some weird psyche thing where I want to be popular, but whatever. There are some people who always know what the trends are, and I'm like "excuse me, what does #turndownforwhat mean??" Ugh.

15. DANCE 
I can't. Unless I'm hammered. And even then I tend to do the sprinkler, but I think I'm Beyonce.

Oh. My. Lord. I never got past the "awkward 13 year old girl" stage of talking to boys. Here are my two favorite examples:

  •  When I was a freshman in college and worked at the Basement Marketplace, there was a guy named Tony who worked at Bigfoot, and he was so cute. The first time he talked to me, I spilled a drink everywhere. Another time, we somehow got on the subject of names and he was like "you know what Tony spelled backwards is? Y-not!" Then he winked at me. I replied with "Hannah-spelled-backwards-is-Hannah-I-have-to-go-bye". All one word, then I ran away. Like actually ran. My face is bright red just thinking about it. 
  • I was at a bar in Hawaii and I met a super cute boy. He asked me what I would buy if I won the lottery, and I looked at him and said "shark". He looked a little confused and was like "you wouldn't buy a house first? Or at least an aquarium?" And I was like "nope. I would buy a shark. Then I would get a mansion and the shark would live in my swimming pool". WHAT. 
This isn't just a problem when I talk to guys. Once this super hot brazilian lady came into Honolua and I got really flustered. It was embarrassing. 

Does anyone ever learn this?

Along with selling my soul for grace, I would also sell it for a good sense of direction. As soon as I leave point A, I am 100% convinced that I am lost until I successfully reach point B. Also if someone tells me directions I will forget them the second they stop talking. Then I get in the car and am like "well……..shit". Then I end up GPSing a street name I think I remember them saying and just sort of hope for the best. The first time I drove to Phoenix by myself I missed an exit, missed my flight and drove around so terribly lost for about 5 hours until I went into a radio shack literally sobbing asking someone how in  the hell to get back to Flagstaff. All total, it was a 9 hour adventure and pretty much the worst thing ever.

I don't know my angles. Or how to do that hand on the hip, head to the side thing. I think you might need to have been in a sorority to learn these things.

I give awesome advice. My Lord, the things I could accomplish if I actually listened to myself. I also give excellent relationship advice, then stomp all over it and tell boys that I want a pet shark.

True life: I wore sweatpants 95% of my high school and college careers. This includes parties and other social events. I went to the bars in basketball shorts on more than one occasion. When I try to look cute, I always end up looking either unintentionally slutty or sort of confused. This is also a big issue when I try to dress professionally. Once I went to a conference in LA and I looked like I was getting ready to star in "Dirty Delegates: Naughty Model United Nations". Turns out pencil skirts aren't really my thing.

I swear like a sailor. Its not cute.


I am not excited for Portland.

*I am not writing this for sympathy. This is simply a place for me to express my thoughts, and this is what I am thinking about.*

Today I got an interview at an athletic club in Portland, we found out we got the house we wanted, I booked my flight, applied for a couple more jobs, and I am not even a little bit excited. The exact opposite, actually. Really, I'm a lot closer to puking then I was when I had no plans. Shocked? Yeah, I'm a really good liar. My go-to line is "yeah I'm really excited. It's definitely going to be an adventure, and I'm trying to be as responsible as possible". Ha! Lies. Well, except the responsibility part. I really am trying. But when I think about this next chapter of my life, I don't see success. I see absolute failure. I see myself crawling back home for the second time in my life; tail between my legs,  licking my wounds and bracing myself for anothe round of "I told you so".

Actually the scariest part if this whole adventure is that if I fail, there will be no "I told you so". No. This time there will be only crushing disappointment, because this time people are pulling for me. I joked about finding the love of my life in Hawaii, and it would cause my mom to noticeably twitch. Today she mentioned how Mr. Right could be sweating next to me on a treadmill at the athletic club in Portland. My dad said he was proud of me. People see a future for me in Oregon that doesn't involve me being a beach bum with nothing to show but blonde hair and a tan that envokes jealousy and a strong fear of skin cancer.

Failure? Well..............everyone who has ever fought with a parent knows how much it hurts to know that you have truly disappointed someone. Nothing cut deeper than those fights when there was no yelling, only a softly spoken  "I am so disappointed in you".

Thursday, March 13, 2014

I can't think of a title

Just like Liam Neeson, I have a very particular set of skills. Unlike Liam Neeson, my skill set renders me absolutely useless in the event of a kidnapping. I'm not even kidding. One time when I was in Prague, my friend really did almost get kidnapped and I completely missed the entire thing because I was so focused on the food that I was eating. Obviously, the safety and well-being of my friends is not a high priority in my life when I am eating the heavenly goodness that is Prague street food (Sorry Caitlin). So if they can't be used for saving someone from being snatched up and sold into sex trade, what can my skills be used for?


If I had to describe my dream job, it would somehow combine talking about politics, making people laugh, encouraging overweight people to workout (without actually having to workout myself), and hanging out with celebrities. These are all things I'm good at. Well, maybe not the celebrity bit. The handful of times I've seen famous people I've either not recognized them (sorry 2 Chainz), or made them really uncomfortable with how much I fan-girled out (cough Alan Ritchson cough), and then there was that one time in Hawaii where I saw Frankie Munez and kept calling him "Malcolm". I don't even think a job that combines all of those things exists. Well, maybe talk show host, but how do you even get into that? Can someone get me Ellen's phone number? How do I get her to read my blog? Save a bunch of orphans orphans from a house fire and then casually mention it when she invites me onto her show to applaud my heroics? I feel like she would like me a lot more than Oprah. I don't think Oprah would be impressed with a lot of my life choices. Plus, she's already got her hands full with Lindsay Lohan.

I'll be honest………I forgot where I was going with this.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Hannah the Hot Mess Express
April of my senior year of college, I decided that I was going to move to Hawaii after graduation. September 1st was the agreed upon moving date, which gave me four months to prepare. I did absolutely nothing, so in the month leading up to my move, I became a hot mess. I could barely sleep, and I could only talk about Hawaii for 10 minutes with someone before I would have to run away and throw up. It was the same conversation, over and over. 
"So, do you have a job?"
"Do you know where you're going to live?"
"Do you know anyone who lives out there?"
Then I would be like "excuse me, I have to go to the restroom. I'll be right back", run off and puke, then come back and be able to discuss it like a normal human being who used full sentences.

Now I'm getting ready to move to Portland, and the hot mess express is starting to get revved up. It hasn't gotten to the point of vomiting on the daily, but its getting pretty close. The not being able to sleep is definitely kicking in. People at work keep telling me that I look tired, and I keep blaming it on the fact that I watched Silence of the Lambs the other night. Psh, I wish Hannibal the Cannibal and Buffalo Bill were the only reasons for my lack of sleep. The only answer that has changed from the conversation about Hawaii is that this time I actually know people who live in Portland. I don't have any friends here to go and get a drink with while I express my fears, so I'm going to put them in the blog instead. Hooray! 

I'm scared I'm going to get hurt again. My track record shows that my body doesn't handle life changes very well. I get my first real job, I break every bone in my foot. I move away from Flagstaff for the first time and I blow out my knee. I also have a theory that it has some sort of connection to working in retail, because I broke my foot at work and broke my knee on the way to work. So clearly making life changes and working retail are just not how I like to live my life. I joke about it a lot ("why can't I just break my left arm!? I don't even use it! I'd be OK with a broken arm!!!"), but I am really, really scared that something bad is going to happen again. So maybe I should just decide right now that I'm not going to be getting a job in the world of Portland retail. 

I am scared I'm going to fail again. When Hawaii was just an idea, my parents were like "YEAH! GO FOR IT! ADVENTURE! EXCITING!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!" When I actually bought the non-refundable one-way ticket, they were like "AAAAAAAHHHHHHH HANNAH THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA WHAT ARE YOU THINKING OMG AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" But I was like "Whatever parents. I am going to be awesome, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW". Then the universe was like "WHOMP WHOMP". Yes I had fun in Hawaii, and yes I made some great friends and memories that I will have with me for the rest of my life, but nobody can call that adventure a success. This time though, both of my parents are stoked. Like really, really excited about this next chapter of my life. My mom told me out of her own free will that she is really proud of me and thinks that I'm going to be really successful in Portland. My dad agrees wholeheartedly, and this is STRESSING ME OUT. At least when I moved to Hawaii, everyone (except for me, LOL) had such low expectations that nobody was really surprised by the outcome. This time, everyone (my parents) thinks I'm going to do amazing, and what if I don't??!? WHAT IF IT TURNS INTO HAWAII PART TWO?!?!? Ugh. That would be so terrible, I would probably just have to move to South Dakota forever and never talk to anybody ever again. 

So yeah. I guess we'll see how this works out. Stay tuned! 

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Hannah's a complete nut job, its not a big deal
For those of you who don't know, right now I'm house sitting for my grandparents while they are in Australia for the month. Their house is one town over from where my dad lives, and its about a 20 minute drive. Tonight I went to my dad's for dinner, and the drive back was absolutely terrifying. Nothing happened, but I spent the entire time convinced that someone who escaped from an insane asylum was going to jump out into the road in front of me, I would run them over and then they would somehow magically appear in my back seat and murder my face off. This is stupid. While driving at night in South Dakota I should be worried about hitting a deer, not an escaped crazy person. I blame this fear on all of the horror movies that I've watched, and I started thinking about other weird shit that I'm scared of because of movies. Here's the list, because I know all of you want to know them too.

Oh my God, I am so scared of zombies. Its not like I'm sitting here thinking that zombies are real, I know that they're fake. Still doesn't change the fact that they are so damn terrifying. I am a complete wreck when it comes to watching zombie movies. Zombieland was a comedy and I could barely handle it. And 28 Days Later? Forget it, I was basically catatonic. I tried to watch an episode of The Walking Dead and I couldn't do it. When that lady crawls towards him? No thank you.

Along with a lot of children under age 6, I am really scared of the dark. I can sort of handle it when I'm outside, but I have a big problem with driving by myself at night and being inside dark houses. I've always been a little bit creeped out by the dark, but when I was little I watched the movie When A Stranger Calls, and the idea of someone being inside the house without you knowing just scarred me for life. Whenever I have to walk into a dark room my mind automatically assumes that something is going to jump out and scare me. Its embarrassing. The light on my phone is my security blanket, and its a real problem when my phone dies. Once I showed up to a babysitting job two hours early because I was at home by myself and the power went out.

I understand that this is so ridiculous, but Stephen King is the reason that I'm afraid of the state of Maine. The majority of his books take place in Maine, and nothing good ever happens in them. Salem's Lot and Needful Things are two of the scariest books that I have ever read, and they both take place in Maine. So thanks, Stephen King. Because of you, I will never go to the state of Maine ever. And if I do, I will not go anywhere near the woods or any locally owned stores, because I know what happens there.

There is always that scene in horror movies when a character washes their face, which requires them to close their eyes. They splash their face with water, dry off with the towel, then look in the mirror AND THE KILLER IS RIGHT BEHIND THEM. Depending on the importance level their character has, they are then either murdered or are able to barely escape the knife-wielding crazy person. When I wash my face, there is that split second when I am about to look in the mirror where I'm like "there could be someone behind you. You don't know".

Sweet Jesus, the scene in Final Destination 3 where the girl gets trapped and fried in the tanning bed? NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. Fear of cancer? Not so much. Fear of death somehow trapping me in the bed and turning me into a piece of bacon? 100%. No fake bake for this girl.

Watch the movie Sleepers and you will never look at Kevin Bacon the same way again. That's some scary shit.

In the TV show Heroes, there's a scene where Hayden Panettiere tests out her super powers by sticking her hand in the garbage disposal. She takes it out and her hand is all fucked up, and it just looks so terrible. This scene and the fact that I once turned on a disposal while there was a sink in the drain (probably one of the scariest noises ever) has made me really uncomfortable when I have to use them. I'm scared that if I get too close my hand will somehow end up in there, and I don't have the super healing powers of the cheerleader.

I'm sorry, but thanks to movies like The Omen, The Ring, The Grudge, and basically every horror movie ever made, if you have a small child with dark hair, I'm going to initially be really creeped out by them. The other night I watched a TV show about little kids who have memories of violent deaths in a past life, and it sort of just cemented the idea in my brain that little kids are creepy as fuck and can't be trusted.

This fear isn't actually based on a movie (no, not even The Birds) but I have a completely irrational fear of birds. Something about the way they move their heads when they walk and how they flap their wings right before they fly off just really really scares me. When I first moved to Hawaii I was taking a nap on the beach and a pigeon landed on my stomach. No joke, I almost passed out. I went into the ocean and cried (literally) for like 20 minutes and then went home and scrubbed my stomach so many times I'm surprised it didn't bleed. I also once threatened one of the parrot guys with physical harm when he tried to put his stupid bird on my shoulder.

Thanks Psycho, how I'm not blind because of soap is beyond me. When I shower at home by myself, I think that every noise that I hear is Norman Bates coming to stab me. I have sort of curbed this fear by blasting music whenever I shower.

The chances of a semi truck driver trying to murder me is basically nonexistent. But for some reason, I can't stop thinking of the movie Joy Ride where Paul Walker (RIP) and his homies mess with the truck driver and he does not appreciate it, so he tries to kill them. Whenever I pass a semi, I expect to hear "candy cane" coming through my radio, even though I don't have a CB radio, so that's virtually impossible. You'd think that I would be scared that I would somehow get in an accident with one, but no. I'm scared a truck driver will try to murder my face off.

Good lord, this post makes me sound like an absolute nut. Clearly I have a problems when it comes to horror movies and shouldn't ever be alone. Also, I'm watching Silence of the Lambs  right now, and its probably the worst idea ever.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Oscarfest 2014: Hannah's thoughts on social media

Hello my friends! Considering the majority of the people who read this are my friends from Facebook, I'm sure all of you were there for when I hosted the Academy Awards via social media Sunday night. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, I got really bored right before the Oscar's started and decided to live-Facebook the entire thing. Two hours, 35 status updates (fo real), one bottle of wine, and countless pissed of FB friends later, I pretty much felt like I had helped Ellen Degeneres host the awards in the comfort of my pajamas. I even posted a picture of Pharrell and his dress shorts on Instagram. I don't understand how Twitter works, otherwise I would have been all over that too. Well, except when Ellen broke Twitter with her selfie. ANYWAY. Oscarfest 2014 made me think about my life on the internet, and I'm going to share them with you because duh.

I have such a love/hate relationship with social media. I love Facebook because it gives me a platform to share all the weird shit that happens in my life, make people laugh, and (most importantly) it allows me to creep on people that I haven't talked to since high school. Seriously, I am the biggest Facebook creep. The FBI should hire me, because I can find anyone on Facebook. Its sort of alarming. I love Instagram because it allows me to share funny pictures and the occasional selfie for when I'm feeling particularly pretty. Actually, that last bit is sort of a lie. I just checked my phone and my last couple selfies are not so cute. But whatever, I like posting pictures of my face. I am also an Instagram creep. If I follow you, happen to notice your name on a post from someone else, or you are a celebrity, chances are I have looked through and judged every one of your posts. Yeah, its a big old love fest between me, Facebook and Instagram. But….

I hate social media. Ugh. It makes me feel so bad about myself! Now I know everyone and their grandma has talked about this. You know the drill, you compare your everyday life to the highlight reel that everyone posts on Facebook and then you hate your life. Well, its sort of true. I know that not everyone has good days all the time, but I'm starting to feel like everyone I know is getting married, in a serious relationship, has their dream job (or at least a successful job that they enjoy), a dog, perfect skin, healthy lifestyles full of really delicious looking food that they cook, exercises a lot, and has a deep appreciation for all things coconut oil. And my Instagram feed is filled with pictures of my friends in Hawaii frolicking around on all the perfect beaches and I sort of just die a little inside every time I look at them. All of these things make me look at my life, and I feel like I'm standing in the corner being like "uhhh……..I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, I moved to Hawaii and blew all my money because I thought I was a baller, I blew out my ACL, I moved to South Dakota in the middle of winter, and I'm about to move to Portland without a solid plan. Oh, and I'm allergic to dogs". Oh, I also have a really intense hatred for the vague "OMG I'M SO SAD BUT I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU WHY SO YOU HAVE TO ASK" status update. But that's not important.

So why do I keep it? Why don't I just log off and delete Facebook and Instagram off of my phone and go on living my life? Well, mostly because I would be bored and I'm really, really nosy. Also clearly I'm sort of an attention whore. Plus, where else could I force all of my opinions about Oscar's down the unwilling public's throat? So I hope everyone is down with hearing about my wierdo life, because this homegirl will be staying online.