Sunday, March 9, 2014

Hannah's a complete nut job, its not a big deal
For those of you who don't know, right now I'm house sitting for my grandparents while they are in Australia for the month. Their house is one town over from where my dad lives, and its about a 20 minute drive. Tonight I went to my dad's for dinner, and the drive back was absolutely terrifying. Nothing happened, but I spent the entire time convinced that someone who escaped from an insane asylum was going to jump out into the road in front of me, I would run them over and then they would somehow magically appear in my back seat and murder my face off. This is stupid. While driving at night in South Dakota I should be worried about hitting a deer, not an escaped crazy person. I blame this fear on all of the horror movies that I've watched, and I started thinking about other weird shit that I'm scared of because of movies. Here's the list, because I know all of you want to know them too.

Oh my God, I am so scared of zombies. Its not like I'm sitting here thinking that zombies are real, I know that they're fake. Still doesn't change the fact that they are so damn terrifying. I am a complete wreck when it comes to watching zombie movies. Zombieland was a comedy and I could barely handle it. And 28 Days Later? Forget it, I was basically catatonic. I tried to watch an episode of The Walking Dead and I couldn't do it. When that lady crawls towards him? No thank you.

Along with a lot of children under age 6, I am really scared of the dark. I can sort of handle it when I'm outside, but I have a big problem with driving by myself at night and being inside dark houses. I've always been a little bit creeped out by the dark, but when I was little I watched the movie When A Stranger Calls, and the idea of someone being inside the house without you knowing just scarred me for life. Whenever I have to walk into a dark room my mind automatically assumes that something is going to jump out and scare me. Its embarrassing. The light on my phone is my security blanket, and its a real problem when my phone dies. Once I showed up to a babysitting job two hours early because I was at home by myself and the power went out.

I understand that this is so ridiculous, but Stephen King is the reason that I'm afraid of the state of Maine. The majority of his books take place in Maine, and nothing good ever happens in them. Salem's Lot and Needful Things are two of the scariest books that I have ever read, and they both take place in Maine. So thanks, Stephen King. Because of you, I will never go to the state of Maine ever. And if I do, I will not go anywhere near the woods or any locally owned stores, because I know what happens there.

There is always that scene in horror movies when a character washes their face, which requires them to close their eyes. They splash their face with water, dry off with the towel, then look in the mirror AND THE KILLER IS RIGHT BEHIND THEM. Depending on the importance level their character has, they are then either murdered or are able to barely escape the knife-wielding crazy person. When I wash my face, there is that split second when I am about to look in the mirror where I'm like "there could be someone behind you. You don't know".

Sweet Jesus, the scene in Final Destination 3 where the girl gets trapped and fried in the tanning bed? NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. Fear of cancer? Not so much. Fear of death somehow trapping me in the bed and turning me into a piece of bacon? 100%. No fake bake for this girl.

Watch the movie Sleepers and you will never look at Kevin Bacon the same way again. That's some scary shit.

In the TV show Heroes, there's a scene where Hayden Panettiere tests out her super powers by sticking her hand in the garbage disposal. She takes it out and her hand is all fucked up, and it just looks so terrible. This scene and the fact that I once turned on a disposal while there was a sink in the drain (probably one of the scariest noises ever) has made me really uncomfortable when I have to use them. I'm scared that if I get too close my hand will somehow end up in there, and I don't have the super healing powers of the cheerleader.

I'm sorry, but thanks to movies like The Omen, The Ring, The Grudge, and basically every horror movie ever made, if you have a small child with dark hair, I'm going to initially be really creeped out by them. The other night I watched a TV show about little kids who have memories of violent deaths in a past life, and it sort of just cemented the idea in my brain that little kids are creepy as fuck and can't be trusted.

This fear isn't actually based on a movie (no, not even The Birds) but I have a completely irrational fear of birds. Something about the way they move their heads when they walk and how they flap their wings right before they fly off just really really scares me. When I first moved to Hawaii I was taking a nap on the beach and a pigeon landed on my stomach. No joke, I almost passed out. I went into the ocean and cried (literally) for like 20 minutes and then went home and scrubbed my stomach so many times I'm surprised it didn't bleed. I also once threatened one of the parrot guys with physical harm when he tried to put his stupid bird on my shoulder.

Thanks Psycho, how I'm not blind because of soap is beyond me. When I shower at home by myself, I think that every noise that I hear is Norman Bates coming to stab me. I have sort of curbed this fear by blasting music whenever I shower.

The chances of a semi truck driver trying to murder me is basically nonexistent. But for some reason, I can't stop thinking of the movie Joy Ride where Paul Walker (RIP) and his homies mess with the truck driver and he does not appreciate it, so he tries to kill them. Whenever I pass a semi, I expect to hear "candy cane" coming through my radio, even though I don't have a CB radio, so that's virtually impossible. You'd think that I would be scared that I would somehow get in an accident with one, but no. I'm scared a truck driver will try to murder my face off.

Good lord, this post makes me sound like an absolute nut. Clearly I have a problems when it comes to horror movies and shouldn't ever be alone. Also, I'm watching Silence of the Lambs  right now, and its probably the worst idea ever.

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