I have been doing my own tax returns since I was 17, and every single year I'm convinced that the IRS will come knocking at my door and arrest me for tax fraud. There are just so many things! You have to fill out all these boxes and then there's all this "add boxes A-E and if the sum is greater than zero you owe us your first born child and a kitten". Ugh. I also have the nasty habit of working different jobs and moving to different states partway through the year, so my W2s are just a giant clusterfuck. There was actually one year where I did mess it up, and a very nice man named Hans at H&R Block had to help me out. Hans was such a champion. And I don't even have anything! If I ever get married and own a house I don't even know what I'll do. And if I have kids? Good lord, I'll probably just sit down at my computer and pass out. Hopefully, my boo will have better accounting knowledge than yours truly.
2. COOK SOMETHING BESIDES SPAGHETTI, FRENCH TOAST AND A BURRITO
If I had a dollar for every person who has either told me that they would teach me how to cook or assured me that cooking really isn't that hard, I would have enough money to just hire my own team of private chefs. My problem is that cooking really stresses me out, and trying to cook more than one thing at a time? Forget it. It just turns into a hot mess. I can't even count the number of stuff that I've eaten that has been over/under cooked, a weird texture, or has just tasted flat out terrible. Its embarrassing. One excellent example of my lack of culinary skills is the time I started cooking bacon and just walked away in the middle of cooking it. I started watching TV, and then the smoke alarms went off. A domestic goddess, I am not.
3. WALK IN HEELS
I don't know where I was the day that we learned how to do this, but I can't walk in heels for shit. Seriously, I look like a man. My entire body tenses up and I look like an MMA fighter headed towards the ring. It is not cute. This actually doesn't have that much of an effect on my life; my achilles tendon does not appreciate being in that position for more than about 10 minutes, and I'm already 17 ft tall without them, but still. I see girls looking super fabulous in killer heels, and I can't help but feel a little jealous.
4. SAVE MONEY/THINK ABOUT MY FUTURE
I know I've talked about it before, but gahdayum. I am so so so so so terrible at saving money. The lessons in fiscal responsibility must have been the same day we learned to walk in heels, because I completely missed it. A lot of people I know are in the process of buying houses, and I literally can't even fathom having that amount of financial responsibilities in my life. I don't even know what I spend all of my money on! I don't go shopping, ever. Actually, I do know. I spend it on going out to eat and feeding my insane Starbucks addiction. Its not ok.
5. IMPULSE CONTROL
I have no impulse control. One very important example of this is my dairy allergy. I know I'm allergic to dairy. I know that if I drink that drink from Starbucks that has milk in it will make me sick, but I drink it anyway. You'd think I would the intense stomach cramping would help me learn, but nope. I still eat the third slice of pizza and drink that creme brûlée latte. I also have a tendency to talk and act before I think, which has gotten me into a lot of trouble in my life. Also I tend to impulsively move places, which so far has not been a good look.
6. BE GRACEFUL
OK, I'm going to be completely honest with you guys. When it comes to how clumsy I am, I am super self conscious. Yeah, its funny to remember all the stupid shit that I've done (there are a lot of really funny stories that involve me falling over), but I die a little inside every time someone brings this stuff up. No exaggeration, I would sell my soul for grace. How to people do it?! You know the people I'm talking about. They have a fluidity to their movements that is absolutely beautiful to watch. I am not one of these people. I run into things a lot. I think this is partly based on a depth perception problem, so its not all my fault.
7. REMEMBER TO DO STUFF
I really need to start doing stuff the exact moment that I think of it. Otherwise, I will completely forget about it until I am getting ready to go to sleep and then I'm like "OH GOD DAMMIT I FORGOT TO CALL THE DENTIST AGAIN".
8. GO TO BED AT A NORMAL TIME
To be a healthy, active member of society, you're supposed to get around 8 hours of sleep, and the majority of this sleep should happen before midnight. I don't do this ever. I usually get about 6 hours of sleep a night, and somehow the earlier I have to wake up, the later I end up going to sleep. My bedtime is usually anywhere between midnight and 1 am. I'm not an insomniac, and its not like I have homework that I need to be doing. For some reason, my brain is like "you don't need sleep. You need to watch the most recent episode of Teen Mom". Thanks brain. I have no problem sleeping during the day, though. I think my internal clock is a little behind the times (HA).
9. ENJOY POETRY
I've tried. If it wasn't written by Shel Silverstein, I'm really not interested.
10. REMEMBER BIRTHDAYS
Thank the sweet baby Jesus for Facebook, otherwise I really wouldn't know anyone's birthdays. I mix up my parents' birthdays all the time, and I've been friends with my bestie since 4th grade and I still can't remember her birthday. I promise that I love you and want you to have the best birthday ever, it just might take me until the next day to remember that it was your special day.
11. SCHEDULE APPOINTMENTS TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF
Oh right! I have to plan things like dentist appointments and other doctor needs. Hey Google, how often do I need to go again?
I don't plan shit. Ever. Then I stress about the things I don't plan until they magically work out. Then something else happens and I don't plan for it……………lather, rinse, repeat. This can also be filed under "Needs to stop procrastinating everything".
13. NOT STEAL CHAIRS WHEN I DRINK HEAVILY
This one is pretty self-explanatory. I don't drink like a normal person. I always end up coming home with souvenirs that you can sit on. Ask me about it sometime, I've got some really funny stories.
14. KEEP UP WITH THE LATEST TRENDS
HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS?!?! Seriously, is there some website that people can go to that says what the latest thing is?!?! There are some people who are always on it, and half the time I don't even know what it is!!! I think this gets into some weird psyche thing where I want to be popular, but whatever. There are some people who always know what the trends are, and I'm like "excuse me, what does #turndownforwhat mean??" Ugh.
I can't. Unless I'm hammered. And even then I tend to do the sprinkler, but I think I'm Beyonce.
16. ACT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON WHEN I TALK TO PEOPLE THAT ARE GOOD LOOKING.
Oh. My. Lord. I never got past the "awkward 13 year old girl" stage of talking to boys. Here are my two favorite examples:
- When I was a freshman in college and worked at the Basement Marketplace, there was a guy named Tony who worked at Bigfoot, and he was so cute. The first time he talked to me, I spilled a drink everywhere. Another time, we somehow got on the subject of names and he was like "you know what Tony spelled backwards is? Y-not!" Then he winked at me. I replied with "Hannah-spelled-backwards-is-Hannah-I-have-to-go-bye". All one word, then I ran away. Like actually ran. My face is bright red just thinking about it.
- I was at a bar in Hawaii and I met a super cute boy. He asked me what I would buy if I won the lottery, and I looked at him and said "shark". He looked a little confused and was like "you wouldn't buy a house first? Or at least an aquarium?" And I was like "nope. I would buy a shark. Then I would get a mansion and the shark would live in my swimming pool". WHAT.
This isn't just a problem when I talk to guys. Once this super hot brazilian lady came into Honolua and I got really flustered. It was embarrassing.
17. STOP CARING ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF ME
Does anyone ever learn this?
Along with selling my soul for grace, I would also sell it for a good sense of direction. As soon as I leave point A, I am 100% convinced that I am lost until I successfully reach point B. Also if someone tells me directions I will forget them the second they stop talking. Then I get in the car and am like "well……..shit". Then I end up GPSing a street name I think I remember them saying and just sort of hope for the best. The first time I drove to Phoenix by myself I missed an exit, missed my flight and drove around so terribly lost for about 5 hours until I went into a radio shack literally sobbing asking someone how in the hell to get back to Flagstaff. All total, it was a 9 hour adventure and pretty much the worst thing ever.
19. TAKE AN ATTRACTIVE PICTURE
I don't know my angles. Or how to do that hand on the hip, head to the side thing. I think you might need to have been in a sorority to learn these things.
20. LISTEN TO MY OWN ADVICE
I give awesome advice. My Lord, the things I could accomplish if I actually listened to myself. I also give excellent relationship advice, then stomp all over it and tell boys that I want a pet shark.
21. DRESS MYSELF
True life: I wore sweatpants 95% of my high school and college careers. This includes parties and other social events. I went to the bars in basketball shorts on more than one occasion. When I try to look cute, I always end up looking either unintentionally slutty or sort of confused. This is also a big issue when I try to dress professionally. Once I went to a conference in LA and I looked like I was getting ready to star in "Dirty Delegates: Naughty Model United Nations". Turns out pencil skirts aren't really my thing.
22. TALK LIKE A LADY.
I swear like a sailor. Its not cute.
23. NOT SPEND ALL MY MONEY AT STARBUCKS
I JUST REALLY WANT A GRANDE ICED CHAI RIGHT NOW.