Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Portland's got problems, yo.

Portland is weird. The people are weird, the weather is weird, and so are the problems. If you don't believe me, here are my three favorite problems that the city of Portland has experienced since I've moved here.


Because Portland still thinks its 1997, last year my neighborhood had a juggalo problem. Yes. Real juggalos, as in the batshit crazy fans of the Insane Clown Posse and also the subject of one of my favorite episodes of Workaholics. So, what do I mean by a juggalo problem? Well, the juggalo family that apparently resides in Northeast Portland ran around leaving these fun fliers (pictured above) posted in the windows of local businesses on my street.
Why did they do this? I'm not 100% certain, but I'm almost positive that it had something to do with gentrification, which has been a pretty big deal in my neighborhood over the last couple of years, with a lot of people getting displaced because the cost of living went up so much due to all of the businesses opening up in the area. As far as I can tell, the Northeast Portland Juggalos were unsuccessful, as all of these local establishments are still there and the juggalos haven't been heard from since. It can only be assumed that they are hiding in their basements listing to ICP, drinking a lot of mountain dew and planning their next attack. 


This is my favorite problem in the history of problems. This summer someone (or possibly a group of someones) ran around Portland tying dildos together and throwing them over power lines. Sort of a Portland twist on the standard shoes over the power line deal. This was no small operation, these dildos were enormous, and there were hundreds of them.  This shit made national news, and the BBC even did a story about it. This whole thing was so baffling to me, because dildos are definitely not cheap. Plus you have to buy them brand new, because its not like there's a sex toys section at Goodwill. Sometimes I think that Portland is a giant performance art piece that I just sort of stumbled into, and nobody has let me in on the joke quite yet. The reaction to this was a solid mix of people (mostly those with small children) thinking that it was completely inappropriate, and others thinking it was hilarious. I fall into the second category of these people; some of these dildos were on a power line down the street from my house and when I saw them one night when I was walking home from a bar I laughed so hard I dropped the sandwich that I was holding. 


*I'm not posting a picture of this one, because I don't have one and also because who wants to look at security camera footage of a dude pooping? *

This problem is super gross. Also over the summer (it was really hot, and apparently the heat makes people in this city go bananas) some dude in Southeast Portland was just running around pooping everywhere he saw fit, which was mostly in front of one specific business. He was caught on camera multiple times, and the newspapers who reported on this story always made sure to mention that he came fully prepared with his own toilet paper, which is my favorite part of this entire thing because it shows that this shit (ha!) was definitely pre-planned. The police got involved, but as far as I know the Portland Pooper remains at large, living his life and pooping wherever and whenever he pleases.