Dear debit card,
I'm sorry that you had to die an incredibly tragic death after only a week due to my stupidity and selective listening. I truly thought that we were destined for a long and happy life together, full of trips to Starbucks and other adventures of the financially inept. You were just a little nugget trying to do your best, and I let you be eaten by an ATM. I hope you know how badly my heart hurt when I heard the words "automatically destroyed". Ugh, simply writing the words brings a stab of pain. Our time together was brief, but it was true. Fourth of July was fun, and you purchased my groceries at New Seasons yesterday like the goddamn champion that you were.
Rest assured that you will not be forgotten, because "that one time that Hannah had to get two new debit cards in two weeks" will certainly go down in history as one of the dumbest things that I have ever done. I hope the universe chooses to avenge your death and the death of the card before you by making the guy in Turkey slam his shin into every coffee table he passes, not notice he is out of toilet paper until after he poops, and always be stuck next to the smelliest person on public transportation.
Goodbye, sweet friend.