I would like to start this post off by saying that I don't do cocaine. I actually don't do any drugs. I don't even like smoking pot because I have a really bizarre reaction to it and everything gets weirdly intense for me. Just wanted to make that clear. If you do drugs, that's your business. Its really not good for you, but you do you boo boo.
Also, this is going to be really long. But nobody reads this, so who gives a shit?
Last night I went out with a girl that I work with (I'll call her K-money), and things got unexpectedly weird. It started out normal enough, we went to Rum Fire and paid way too much money for drinks that barely got us tipsy. Then we decided it was an awesome idea to go to Kelly's. A little background on Kelly's, its only fun if you're borderline blackout wasted. Its always filled with weird old people, you're allowed to smoke in there so it always smells really bad, and its generally just really gross and sketchy. So of course we decided to go there.
While we were at Kelly's two very hairy and enthusiastic Austrian men tried to befriend us. I convinced them that I was a professional Hawaiian surfer and then shut them down, because I'm mean. We also ran into K-money's ex-boyfriend who had blown her off to hang out the past two nights, so when he invited us to go to Rivals (another bar) OF COURSE SHE SAID YES. So we go to Rivals, and it was sooooo dead. There were two guys sitting at the bar, and one of them started talking to me. I told him that I work at P.F. Chang's, and he was like "ohhh........yikes". I was like "umm.......what?" And he goes "Oh well I'm not really a food person".
WHAT. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!? He then tried to recover by saying that he didn't like spending a lot of money on food at restaurants, which resulted in me repeatedly calling him a "cheap anorexic", because if I think you're lame when I'm drunk I will torture you mercilessly. Also I think I'm hilarious, so I will call you names and then laugh at you. Its bad. ANYWAY, the cheap anorexic bought me a shot that I believe was called a Brain, and it was fucking disgusting. It was Bailey's and something else, and I think the Bailey's was supposed to look like a brain, but I kept asking him why the fuck he bought me a shot that had a fetus in it. I am a charming drunk. So while all this is going on, K-money is being all awkward with her ex, until I finally decide the whole situation is ridiculous and we bail.
THIS IS WHERE THE STORY TAKES A TURN FOR THE UNEXPECTED.
K-money and I were just kind of wandering around Waikiki trying to figure out what to do next, when we ran into one of our other coworkers, McNasty. As you may be able to tell from the nickname, I am not the biggest fan of this girl, but whatever. She was headed into this really weird bar that's above a pizza place (just figured out tonight that it's called Upstairs. What the shit kind of name is that?!) So we were like "eh what the hell" and went upstairs (pun intended) with her. It was super weird. It was really dark and they were blasting electronic music. That's not the weird part. I actually love electronic music, especially when I've been drinking, because I love really loud shit. Anyway, it was the people that was super weird. You know when you see someone and you're like "man, that person looks like he/she does a lot of drugs in their spare time"? Yeah, it was like that with every single person who was there. K-money and McNasty ran into some of their homies, and I just kind of sat there super awkwardly getting really drunk because I didn't know what else to do. Then everyone went outside.
Here's the scene. Its me, K-money and McNasty, a tall black guy, two local looking guys who I'm pretty sure were brothers, and an Asian dude. We're standing there and all of a sudden the black dude pulls a little baggie out of his pocket. Now I'm trying to play it cool when really in my brain I'm screaming OH HOLY SHIT WHEN DID WE DECIDE THAT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO DO COKE?! Hence the title of this post, SURPRISE COCAINE! I was also pretty surprised, because honestly I thought that of all the places that we were going to go that night, Kelly's would be the place where cocaine would magically appear. They start snorting that shit and offer it to me, and I was like "umm......no thanks". Then one of the brothers goes "Oh. Its cause she graduated college". Doesn't really make sense to me, but whatever. I'll go with it. After a little bit outside, me and my merry band of coke whores went to the bar next door, which I'm about 85% sure is called Mad Dog, but I could be wrong.
We get to Mad Dog, and I became BFF's with the bouncer, because all of my homedogs were ripped on cocaine and were annoying as shit. People were playing beer pong and I believe one of the brothers got kicked out for something, and after about 20 minutes I was completely over it. So now we get to the second part of the story:
HANNAH BEFRIENDS THE CAB DRIVER.
There is a cab company here called THE CAB, and here are what I believe the hiring requirements are:
*One must have only a basic grasp of the English language
*One must have a super sketchy driving record
*One must be a giant dickhead
*One must look like they do a lot of drugs
So I'm outside trying to hail a cab, while I'm stumbling around dodging other drunk people and the occasional hooker (true story) and every single cab that stopped for me was from THE CAB. They all pull over, then the driver tells me "NO TAKE CARD!!!" and they zoom off. I honestly thought I was going to have to walk home, and that would have been the worst thing ever because it's like a 45 minute walk to my house. Then the Eco Cab guy showed up. Eco Cab is the exact opposite of THE CAB. They are nice and wonderful. So this guy pulls over, and no shit, I almost started to cry when he said that he accepted cards. I get in and basically profess my love for this random cab driver. I definitely told him (repeatedly) that he was my favorite person in the entire world and that I was going to build a statue that looked like him.
Luckily, he was the nicest cab driver on planet earth, and he just laughed at me and told me I was awesome. I also told him how excited I was to be making it home alive and cocaine free. He was also proud of me, because he was a good guy.
Here's something fun, tonight before work I went to Starbucks and the barista (baristo? Is there a different word if he's a guy? Whatever, that's totally not important) was also at the super sketchy coke bar. We laughed really awkwardly and he gave me a discount on my drink, so that was neato.