Hannah talks to little girls and they are not impressed.

I really haven't been in a blogging mood lately, but this poor little nugget was feeling pretty neglected, so here's a weird conversation I had with one of my swimming lessons today. This class is all girls ages 6-7.

Little girl #1: Is your kid in the pool?

Me: I don't have a kid.

Little girl #1: What?! Why not??

Little girl #2: Its because she's not married! Wait....are you married? Its because she's not married!

Me: No I'm not married.

Little girl #3: Wait why aren't you married?!?

Me: Ummm................because I'm not.

Little girl #2: So are you waiting to have a kid until you're married?

Me: Uhhhh........I......sure?

Little girl #4: Are you going to grow a kid?!?

Me: Umm..............we're going to swim now.

Fifty Shades of Hannah

IMPORTANT: Before I get into this, I want to make something very clear. I have nothing against people who watch porn or read smutty books. I have been known to enjoy both on more than one occasion. And if you're into BDSM, then more power to you.

In 2011 E.L. James wrote a little book called Fifty Shades of Grey, and that shit took the world by storm. The movie comes out on Friday (just in time for Valentine's Day, y'all!) so I wanted to share my thoughts about it.

Full disclosure: I didn't actually read the entire thing. I tried to, but I got to the part where Christian tries to make Anastasia sign a contract for being his sexual partner and I was like "this is the dumbest shit that I have ever read" and I put down the book. But I still wanted to find these super hot sex scenes that everyone was talking about (the one where he took her virginity was not hot, but I'll get back to that in a minute) so I picked it back up and just skipped to all them sexy bits. You know what I learned from my attempts to read this erotic little nugget?

THIS IS THE WORST BOOK IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. 

Seriously, what is this shit?!? How did this even become popular?! I don't understand it. From what I can tell, it is very popular with the middle-aged wives demographic. Now I understand that if you've been married for a long time and have had a bunch of kids, your sex life might be tore up from the floor up and you need to find other ways to get your rocks off, but why would you pick this garbage?!?! There are a shitload of reasons as to why I think this book is dumb, but I picked two of them to really focus on. Read, get set, GO!

1. THE WRITING IS ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE 
Whoever it was that told E.L. James that she was a good writer deserves a swift kick to the face. If I had to guess, I would say that Anastasia Steels gasps about 790 times, bites her lip 900 times, and her inner goddess does every single style of dance known to man. Even the sex scenes are so poorly written that its a fucking joke. I don't understand how anybody can get turned on by this nonsense. Here are some of my favorite examples:

Anastasia gives Christian a blow job:
"He's my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle. I suck harder and harder....my inner goddess is doing the Merengue with some salsa moves". (Fifty Shades of Grey) 

Christian's considerable length:
"Suddenly, he sits up and tugs my panties off and and throws them on the floor. Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow!...He kneels up and pulls a condom onto his considerable length. Oh no...Will it? How?" (Fifty Shades of Grey) 

Oof. Be still my beating heart. I need to take a cold shower. HAHA JUST KIDDING. Who thinks this stuff is hot?! All I can picture is E.L. sitting in front of her computer with a glass of wine being like "hottest way to describe a blow job? HUMAN POPSICLE. Best phrase to describe the shock of realizing the guy you're about to sleep with has a huge dick? HOLY COW." Then she sips her wine and congratulates herself on being the smutty voice of a generation. Has she ever actually had sex before? Considering this nonsense started as Twilight fan-fiction (not even kidding), I don't think that she has. Pretty sure she watched Secretary and was like "oh......so that's how that works".

Oh and a bunch of other stuff in the book is absolute bullshit. Like Anastasia never having an email address or owning a laptop? Bitch you majored in journalism. How the fuck did you get through college with no email address?! Did your professors send you letters? That's not a real thing, E.L. James. You are stupid.



2. THIS IS A SUPER TOXIC AND ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP 
All jokes aside, this is what truly kills me when it comes to this book. Shame on E.L. James for making people think a crazy and abusive man is their dream guy, and for making people think that any of the stuff he does is OK in a normal and healthy relationship. I am 100% serious when I say that I don't understand why people are in any way attracted to Christian Grey. "But Hannah! He's so hot and he doesn't let anything get in the way of how much he wants Anastasia! He knows exactly what he wants and he goes for it! That's so sexy!" Uhhhhh no. Definitely not the way he goes about it. For starters, he stalks her. CHRISTIAN GREY IS A STALKER. He shows up at her work, knows where she lives without her telling him and admits to tracing her phone so he could figure out what bar she's at when she calls him drunk. Excuse me, what now? That shit is not sexy, its a fucking crime. You tracing my phone doesn't make me want to have sex with you, it makes me want to file a restraining order against you.

Somehow Anastasia moves past the stalking and gets into the world's most one-sided relationship with Mr. Grey, and that's where the real fun starts. Our girl Ana loses the big V to Christian, and all it does is prove how big of an ass wipe he is. Any girl who is sexually active can back me up on this: losing your virginity is not great. Its awkward and it hurts. Someone as sexually experienced as Christian Grey should know that, right? He should know that if he's having sex with someone who is completely inexperienced that he should be sweet and gentle, right? NOPE. He knows that he can't have his crazy kink sex with a virgin, so he uses the first time as the means to an end. The book literally describes it as him "ripping through her virginity". Ew. And more importantly, RUDE. Sex should be about the pleasure and comfort of both people participating, not just one. That brings me to the next point.

BDSM is obviously a huge part of the book. There are people in the world who are into some kinky shit, and that's fine. But you know what the number one rule of the BDSM community is? EVERYONE HAS TO GIVE CONSENT, AND EVERYONE NEEDS TO FEEL SAFE. I guess that's technically two rules, but whatever. There's a part in the book where Christian and Anastasia are going at it and Ana starts to feel a little uncomfortable with the whole thing, so she uses her safe word so he'll stop. And does Christian Grey honor this because he's a respectful partner who is worried about the safety and comfort of a woman he claims to love? NO HE DOES NOT. He keeps right on going, and then afterwards says that he knew that if he kept going that Anastasia would learn to enjoy it, because he knows her body better than she does. FUCK THAT. FUCK THAT. FUCK THAT. You guys seriously think that's hot?!?!? As soon as he ignored that safe word it became sexual assault because she was no longer consenting to what was happening. You know what's sexy? Consent. You know what's not sexy? Sexual assault. You ready for another quote from this cluster fuck?

" 'No' I protest, trying to kick him off. He stops. 'If you struggle, I'll tie your feet too. If you make a noise, Anastasia, I will gag you". (Fifty Shades of Grey) 

WHAT. Don't get me wrong, it can be really hot when a guy gets a little dominant in bed. But there is a fine line between dominant and rapey. Actually, there's not a fine line. There is a gigantic line that is drawn in one of those space pens that never comes out of anything. That line is where you stop when someone says no. As soon as you cross that line, it becomes assault. Oh but wait, that threat is suuuuuper hot. I sure hope I find someone as romantic as Christian Grey.

Not only is Mr. Grey getting all nice and sexual assault-y, he also has a casual little surge of actual violence coursing through him. At one point Christian finds out that Anastasia had met up with her friend Jose, and he gets so mad that he threatens to actually slap her. Like not in a sexual way, just in a "I'm pissed off at you and if you had come over here yesterday I would have slapped the absolute shit out of you" kind of way. So sexy, excuse me while I go find a mop because I just melted into a giant puddle all over my floor. Except I didn't, because if the person who is supposed to love and treasure you above all else tells you that he would have been fine with causing you physical harm because he was angry and you know that he's fully capable of doing so, you need to get the fuck out of that situation. Seriously, you can come and stay at my house.

There are so many other examples of shit like this in the book, but I'm getting tired and angrier the longer that I write it, so I think I'm going to wrap it up. I'm not saying you should boycott the movie. I'm certainly not going to see it, but if that's something you want to do, then more power to you. But while you're watching it, I want you to think about something. Is this the kind of relationship that you want the young women in your lives to fantasize about and strive for?

Hannah's got a lot of feelings

I am cool with people having their own opinions on stuff. We are so lucky to live in a country where we are able to freely express our thoughts and feelings towards things, and that's awesome. But there are four things in life that you will never be able to change my mind on, and if you disagree with me I believe to the absolute core of my being that you're wrong, and it will probably change how I view you as a person. That being said, here are those things because I know the suspense is killing you.

1. Sexual orientation shouldn't matter when it comes to marriage (or anything else, really). 

Can someone please explain to me how this effects you? Like how a man getting married to another man or a woman marrying a woman personally effects you. Explain to me how it has any sort of impact on your life. I mean, do glitter cannons explode in your house and rainbow banners magically appear each time an LGBT couple gets married? Because I could see how that could get annoying. But if that doesn't happen then I'm going to need you to be quiet. Oh and people who quote the Bible for this need to calm the fuck down because the Bible also says that women who have sex before marriage should be killed and that you shouldn't wear mixed fabric clothing. So unless you're going to start murdering women who have had premarital sex and stop wearing cotton-polyester blends, shut the fuck up and let everyone marry whomever they want. Marriage should be between two people who love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together, and gender shouldn't be any sort of factor. Kim Kardashian was married for 72 days and spent enough money on that wedding to pay off the student loan debts of every single person that I know and yet two dudes getting married ruins the sanctity of marriage. SO STUPID. 

2. Women should have absolute control over their bodies. 
Here's the thing that gets me with abortions. If they become illegal (again), its not like that's going to stop women from getting them. It'll just make it 10000x sketchier. Back Alley Abortions is not just a shitty band name, its an actual thing and they are not great. Remember that scene in Dirty Dancing when Penny gets the abortion and Patrick Swayze's short friend is trying to describe what happened and he's freaking out about dirty tables and coat hangers and how Penny was screaming and he couldn't help her? Then she looked like absolute death and Baby's dad had to go and save her? THAT IS GOING TO BE REAL LIFE AGAIN IF ABORTIONS BECOME ILLEGAL. Seriously, why is this so hard for everyone to understand?! Also, chill the fuck out with guilting women over the abortions that they have chosen to get. Unless you are the one whose sperm helped create that fetus, her decision about getting an abortion doesn't concern you at all. AT. ALL. So get out of here. Especially if you're a man. There is almost nothing in the world that annoys me more than a man bitching about abortions being the worst thing ever. You can't ever have your life and body completely fucked by an unexpected pregnancy, so get the fuck out of here with that shit.

3. Children should have to be vaccinated. 
I'm about to get so basic with this, because I can't. I can't even. I absolutely cannot with this shit. You know what? If you choose not to vaccinate your kid and then they get some sort of (preventable) disease and die, that's one thing. But if you choose not to vaccinate your kid and another kid gets some sort of (preventable) disease and dies, that makes you responsible for the death of another person's child. There are a lot of kids who can't get vaccinated for legitimate reasons like their immune system being repressed from something like chemo therapy, and do you really want to be the person who is responsible for a doctor having to tell a family that "oh hey yeah your son beat cancer but they're going to die of the measles because little Johnny's parents don't believe in vaccines."?! Do you want to be little Johnny's parents?!? No. Because that makes you the world's biggest asshole. Have you ever heard of this little thing called "herd immunity"? Its where the majority of the group gets vaccinated, which keeps the few who can't be vaccinated (because of age or immune system issues) healthy since nobody gets the infection in the first place. If you take away the vaccines, you take away that safety net for those poor little nuggets. Also nobody can go to Disneyland now because everyone and their mother has the measles, so fuck that noise. And I'll be completely honest, I don't give a shit about your reasons for not vaccinating your child. That stupid doctor who said that vaccines could potentially be responsible for autism retracted his statements, and if you're worried about the long term effects of these things, I'll tell you what they are: YOU DON'T GET A PREVENTABLE DISEASE AND DIE. God. Stop being stupid and get your damn kids vaccinated so the poor kid whose immune system is repressed can go to school without having to worry about getting smallpox or some shit.

4. Predator is the best Arnold movie. 

Do I even have to explain this one? LOOK AT THIS SHIT.

Hannah figures out she's basic.

The Basic Bitch Starter Pack, according to Facebook. 

I know its been around for a while, but over the last couple of months, I've noticed an increase in the use of "basic bitch" as an insult. I've used it, but I'll be honest.....I've never been 100% sure of what it meant. Then I was on Facebook yesterday, and someone posted a picture with the description "basic bitch starter pack". I noticed that I own a lot of the things in that picture, which made me a little bit curious and concerned. I looked it up, and there are about 45 different definitions on Urban Dictionary alone, so I had to do a little paraphrasing. From what I can tell, a basic bitch is basically just a girl (usually white) who isn't very unique. Her winter uniform is Uggs, leggings, something Northface (vest or jacket - black), some sort of slouchy beanie (maroon or grey Neff, if Facebook is to be believed), and almost always has a Starbucks beverage in her hand, usually a pumpkin spice latte. She is a big fan of fall, and her Instagram is filled with pictures of colorful leaves (#fall) and selfies with some sort of inspirational quote as a caption (#blessed). A basic bitch aspires to be like Lauren Conrad, and enjoys throwing back a good fruity cocktail during a #girlsnight. She is terrible at parking, and if the internet can be believed, basic bitches from different cities have different defining characteristics. 

Umm.....I'm still confused. Are those things bad? I do most of those things!!!!!! My Uggs keep my feet so nice and cozy, and I love me a good pair of leggings. Everyone who has ever talked to me knows that I have an unhealthy obsession with Starbucks, and I am always in the market for a good vest. I love all things Pumpkin Spice (lattes, candles, lotions, etc.), and I think Lauren Conrad is awesome. Her life is somehow always pretty, and I would love for her to teach me her ways when it comes to making the perfect sock bun. I'm a beer girl, but I can always get behind a vodka cranberry, and there is a bartender at Mia's who makes a drink that tastes exactly like a pineapple upside-down cake, which is by far my favorite drink ever. I also can't park worth crap. After Hondapocalypse of 2012, I drove my grandparents old Suburban and that was a goddamn adventure. There are some differences; I am more partial to Patagonia and Columbia, and my Neff beanie is bright blue. My Instagram doesn't have a single fall picture, but that's mostly due to the fact that I'm a terrible photographer. I'm also not a huge fan of selfies. And while I love pumpkin spice everything, my holiday drink of choice is a creme brûlée latte. I would like to think that personality-wise I'm pretty unique, but clothing wise? I bounce back and forth between basic and looking like a homeless person who happened to break into an Under Armour store. 

So what is so wrong with being a basic bitch? Seriously, every girl I knew in college was at least a little basic. On the opposite side of the spectrum is hipster, and even though I live in Portland, I would rather not look like I fell into my closest and put on everything I touched. Plus basic girls usually smell a lot better. So to my basic sisters, I raise my Starbucks holiday beverage to you. Screw the haters, keep on being comfy, cute and basic. 

Hannah gets two new boyfriends

When people ask me why I'm single (which happens kind of a lot), my usual answer is that I really don't have very good luck when it comes to guys. Then whoever I'm talking to says something along the lines of "oh Hannah it can't be that bad" and I'm like "you don't know my life". Well, today pretty much summed up that bad luck, and while its a little embarrassing, its too perfect not to share.

For the past couple of days, my stomach hasn't really wanted to be a part of Team Hannah. Today I went to the doctor for it, and she recommended some over the counter medication for me to try, which meant going to Target. Since I don't have a car, I have to rely on Portland's public transportation system, which is always an adventure. While I was on the MAX, there was a super creepy guy who looked like he was about my age who had decided that the best way for him to score with the ladies was to ask every single girl on the MAX for her phone number. The best part was he asked everyone the exact same way. He would get their attention, then ask how they were doing, and before they had a chance to answer he would go "yeah OK can I get your number?". His success rate was zero, in case anyone was wondering. He also asked me, but luckily it was right as we were pulling up to my stop, so I was able to quickly exit while the old lady next to me laughed at his face for having no game.

Then I got to Target. The medicine that the doctor recommended is called Simethicone, which is an anti-bloating medication. Unfortunately for me, they put all of the stomach related products together, so the anti-bloating stuff is right next to a pretty large selection of laxatives. I couldn't remember what the name of the stuff was, so I spent a pretty solid amount of time in this section intently studying the labels hoping that the name would jump out at me, since I was too lazy to take out my phone to figure out. After about 5 minutes of this, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. I look over and there is a ridiculously good looking man just sort of looking at me while I'm examining all of these boxes of laxatives and other fun stomach things. We make eye contact, and he gives me this look that just says "yikes. That's a huge bummer". Oh my God, I WANTED TO DIE. You know when you can tell that your face is bright red because you start to feel really warm? That's what was happening, so I just sort of walked away, then came back and grabbed the box after I made sure the aisle was clear.

Then we saw each other again at the register and made super awkward eye contact.

So yeah, that sums it up. A creepy dude asked for my number (after striking out with everyone else around us) and a hottie saw me checking out stomach meds.

Note: I do understand that I shouldn't be embarrassed. Stomach issues happen to everyone. But still, he was really good looking, and it was just so uncomfortable. Oh, and for everyone who is like "well if he was in that aisle too, he's obviously having some sort of stomach issues", that might have been true, but that is not really something that I want to bond over.

Hannah and Paulina fight a spider

I hate when any sort of bugs are indoors. I feel like it violates the basic understanding that I have with nature; I won't litter and it keeps the creepy-crawlies outside. The absolute worst for me are cockroaches and spiders (speaking of cockroaches, remind me to tell you the story of the night I learned that the huge roaches can fly). If I see them inside, my automatic instinct is to bail. I'm like "ok bye. Enjoy my house and all of my belongings, I was too materialistic anyway". Portland has not been kind to me when it comes to spiders, because I swear to God if something in this city is outside and stays still for more than 20 minutes, there will be a spider web on it. So the other night when there was a big spider in our house, it was a hot mess. Luckily,  Paulina and I successfully defended our kingdom, and here is the story because she told me that I should write a blog post about it. 

The other night around 12:30 am, I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and Paulina was going downstairs when I heard her say something along the lines of "OH NO THERE IS A LARGE SPIDER ON THE CEILING". I went to go investigate, and immediately regretted my decision when I saw a giant spider on the weird overhang over the stairs. This thing was massive and looked like it was more than capable of eating off my face. Unfortunately for us, the spider was in a really awkward place that neither of us could reach. Neither of us wanted anything to do with it, but we realized that we had to take care of it right then because what if we woke up the next day and it wasn't there anymore?!? Not an option. 

After standing there for a few minutes (her downstairs, me on the stairs) going "ewwww what are we going to dooooooo???", I had the brilliant idea of using a swiffer to squish it against the ceiling, but sadly swiffers are designed so that the flat part can't stay facing up, so that was the end of that plan. Then Paulina, being the goddamn genius that she is, suggested that we spray it with some sort of bleach product and then smash it when it fell to the floor. Brilliant. So she went and got all of the spray bottles from underneath the kitchen sink, and I stood on the stairs with the swiffer ready to make the spider regret all of the decisions it had made that led it to this point. We were more prepared than Arnold was to fight the Predator. 

Paulina sprayed some raid on it, which of course pissed off the spider. So it lowered itself down on its web (OH. Can we talk about the web for a minute?! It having something to lower itself down on means that it had been in our house long enough to try to set up shop. RUDE.) and landed on the ground. After a lot of screaming from both of us, I remembered that I was in charge of step 2 in Operation Spider Death, so I slammed the swiffer down as hard as I could. Then I was scared to move it, because nothing is worse than stepping on a spider and then raising your foot only to have the stupid thing run away while you're standing there going "Lord why have you forsaken me?!". I wanted to make sure that the spider wasn't going to make it, so I took a flying leap off the stairs onto the swiffer while Paulina stood with a spray bottle in each hand ready to spray the crap out of it if it tried anything tricky. 

Spider-slayer Spice.  

Weapons of choice. 

After I jumped up and down on the stupid thing about 20 times, I risked moving. The spider was no mas, and then Paulina sprayed it a whole bunch just to make sure. Seriously, there is so much girl power in our house Paulina and I could be Spice Girls. 

Hannah goes to Beardapalooza

I have a not so secret love of facial hair. Well, I have a not so secret love of beards. For the most part i think mustaches are stupid, but I love me a good beard. Not that its a requirement or anything, there are plenty of clean shaven men that I find incredibly attractive. But if an already good looking guy can pull off an awesome beard? Yes please. So you can imagine my excitement when I found out that the 2014 World Beard & Moustache Championship was happening in Portland and it was on my day off. Of course I was going to go.

Oh my God, it went above and beyond my wildest dreams. Did you know there are multiple types of beards and mustaches, and they all have names?! The competition was divided into three groups; Moustaches , Partial Beards and Full Beards. Then each of these groups was divided into subcategories. All in all, I think there were like 18 different types of beards and mustaches. Click on the links to learn all about the different types, because I am too lazy to type them out. It was awesome. On top of the actual competition, there were also vendors and there was even a seesaw that looked like a mustache. A free mustache ride, if you will. Basically, it was everything I didn't know was missing in my life, and I now aspire to someday be able to be a judge for the competition. It also gave me the excuse to yell "hit him with your beard!!!" a bunch of times, which doesn't happen very often. I took a ton of pictures (because duh), so enjoy!

This guy won the Garibaldi beard category, and actually ended up winning the grand prize trip to next year's championship in Austria. 

I admired his commitment to the product placement.  

This is an Imperial Partial Beard, in case anyone was wondering. 

Photobooths are always a crowd pleaser, especially when they involve fake facial hair. 

I really liked the guy in the red because his beard looked like a fan. 

SO MANY GOOD BEARDS. 

Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the Gay 

I guess this guy is on Portlandia? 

See that thing that looks like a rope? THAT'S A BEARD. It almost touched the ground. 

Freestylin' their beards 

A really terrible picture of all of the winners to wrap it up.