Help me, I'm poor.

When I was a little kid, I was awesome at saving money. I had a beautifully hand painted piggy bank, and every single dollar and cent I got went straight into Judy Pig (Judy was the lady who painted it). I almost never spent it, and when I did, my tastes were pretty cheap. Archie comics and the sticky hands from the quarter machines at Albertson's were my jam, and the only thing I remember ever really wanting was a membership to the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen Fan Club. This was denied by my mother. As I got older, I was still pretty solid. I think the only big purchases I made from 6th grade to the beginning of my freshman year of college were a video camera and an iPod Touch, and I worked my ass off to save up for both of them. Still have the iPod, haven't seen the video camera in years.

Fast forward to the last couple of years, and I have made a complete 180. I suck at saving money. I don't know what happened, but I somehow regressed to having the fiscal sense of a spoiled 16 year old. One working theory I have is the fact that back in Flag I never had to pay for food. My grandma (God bless her sweet soul) wanted to contribute to my higher education, so she paid for a meal plan every semester that I was in school. I'd say about 75% of my meals were eaten on campus, and if I ever wanted some variety, I would just go to my mom/grandma/aunt's houses and grub. The only stuff I really had to buy at the grocery store was alcohol and breakfast food. I also developed a wicked Starbucks addiction in school, thanks to the conveniently located Starbucks on campus that accepted dining dollars. Then I graduated and moved to Hawaii and was like "HOW DO PEOPLE EVEN FEED THEMSELVES!?!?!?!?!" I still haven't really figured this out and haven't really embraced the joys of cooking, so I eat out a lot more than I should.

You know the most frustrating thing? I have nothing to show for my financial stupidity. I sort of wish I had a shopping addiction or something, so I could at least be like "yoooo yeah I'm broke, but look at all of the super cute clothes I have and all of the awesome electronic gadgets I own!!!!!!!!!" Too bad all I do is go to Starbucks way too much and eat food that I didn't cook. I also sort of feel like I'm the only person who's absolute shit with money. I see so many people on Facebook (goddamn Facebook) who are like "oh my ticket to insert awesome/exotic location here has been booked! Adventure time here I come!!" And I'm over here crying into my overpriced sugar in a cup like "howwwwwwwwww?!?!?!" Ugh. Its so frustrating, and so stupid, because I have nobody to blame. My poor parents have tried so hard to teach me their ways. My mom is the most financially responsible person I've ever met, and my dad's life motto is "live cheap, be free". Tiny Hannah was all about that life, but adult Hannah is like "pfffttttt".

Anybody have any tips on how to be more responsible with money? Team Hannah is struggling. Maybe I need to get another Judy Pig.

Oh Captain, my Captain.

"Please, don't worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day.... make a wish and think of me. Make your life spectacular." 

-Jack (1996)

Its been almost a week since Robin Williams committed suicide, and I am still having a really hard time figuring out exactly how I feel. I know that I'm sad, but its more than that. Its not the normal "oh, what a heartbreaking loss of talent and life" that I feel when a celebrity dies. As silly as it sounds, I feel like I lost someone who was a true constant in my life; a crazy uncle that I would only see on holidays and other special occasions. When I heard the news it felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I spent my childhood watching his movies. Aladdin, Hook, Jumanji, Mrs. Doubtfire, Ferngully....... Robin Williams was more than just an incredible actor and hilarious comedian, he was family.

My dad and I have always had a tricky relationship, but one thing that we have always had in common is our love of Robin Williams, especially the movie Hook. We used to watch it all the time, and my dad would always act out his favorite scene. Its the one where Peter is about to leave Neverland with his kids, but Hook calls him back. I can picture it perfectly, my dad would get so into it with his terrible Dustin Hoffman impression, face all scrunched up and his arm held out with his finger bent to look like a hook. "Peter. I swear to you wherever you go, wherever you are, I vow there will always be daggers buried in notes signed James Hook. They will be flung into doors of your children's children's children, do you hear me?"Then his face would completely change, and he would be Robin Williams. "What do you want, old man?" And then back to Hoffman. "Just you". 

This would happen every single time we watched the movie, and he'll still do it if anybody brings it up. Because of this and the movie Flubber (his character in that, the whacky professor who gets so involved in his work that he can forget the rest of his life, is 100% my father) Robin Williams and my dad are completely interchangeable in my mind.

As I got older, his characters changed with me. He made me cry in Jack, Death to Smoochy showed me that Robin Williams' humor could be dark; he was more than just the funny man from Mrs. Doubtfire. When I saw One Hour Photo I was completely blown away, because I never thought that I could be scared of Robin Williams. But it was Dead Poets Society that truly changed how I saw him. The first time I saw that movie, I was in fifth grade flying back from Switzerland with my dad. It really didn't have much of an impact on me then, but I do remember my dad saying that John Keating was the teacher he always tried to be. I watched it again when I was in high school, and I couldn't believe it. I still get chills when I think of his character. In college I watched What Dreams May Come and Good Will Hunting for the first time (yeah, I know) and it just confirmed what I had known for my entire life: the talent and absolute zest for life that Robin Williams had is something that can never be replaced. He was one of a kind.

To the man who gave my dad and I something to bond over and brought so much laughter and light to my life, I truly hope that you have found peace. You deserve it.

???

Man, I do not understand relationships at all. Actually, I guess its really the process of getting into a relationship that I don't really understand. And this post just proves it, because it is a hot damn mess. It was originally a lot worse, but I attempted to organize it. Fasten your seat belts.

1. How people get in relationships in the first place. 

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I think its because I haven't had a boyfriend since high school, but I am still really confused as to how people actually meet each other and get into relationships. Maybe I'm just never in the right place at the right time, but the only people who seem to ever be around me are not exactly boyfriend material. One only has to go on my Facebook page to see stories of all the goddamn creepers who want to play friendship with me. I never sit next to the hottie on the airplane, and the only hot people who were in any of my classes at school were usually douchey frat boys. Or I get the charmers who tell me that I would be so much prettier if I smiled more (it is not my fault that I have resting bitch face). Then there are the people who are like "oh yeah I met my significant other at work". Well take it from someone who knows, that shit can get real awkward real quick. Also online dating really sketches me out. I meet enough weirdos in my daily life, I can only imagine what would happen if I was trying to meet people on the world wide web. My prom date is in jail for murder, guaranteed I'd end up meeting up with some sort of crazy person. So how do you go about meeting people?!

2. People who are constantly in relationships
Do these people just have people on standby for when their current relationships don't work out? "Hey good looking person, I too am good looking. I'm with this person right now, but if it goes kaput, Imma hit you up. Then we can be a good looking couple". Then the other person is just like "word. Just let me know, I'll totally date you". Is that how it works?! There are people who are seriously never single, and I just don't get it. I can't even figure out how to get a casual boyfriend, and I have so many friends who are like "oh yeah, I've had like three serious relationships in my life". WHAT. HOW DO YOU EVEN MEET THAT MANY PEOPLE THAT YOU HAVE A CONNECTION WITH?!!? Of course, maybe it would help if I actually talked to people instead of being like "oh that guy is super good looking and I haven't brushed my hair in 3 days. Anybody want to go and get some nachos?". I'm also a little bit worried about these people, because I think you should be single for a second. You have to learn to be happy as a single person, not as half of a couple. If anybody needs advice in this area, I've got your back.

3. The unwritten rules of the game
You know that saying "don't hate the player, hate the game"? I don't even understand how a person actually becomes a player in the fucking game. How do people know this stuff?! Like how long you're supposed to wait to talk to someone again after you hang out with them, whether it looks more desperate to call versus text, whether or not you should kiss them goodnight, this shit is exhausting. And there are people who just seem to be so good at it. Also this whole deal about how you're supposed to seem like you don't care. I never get it right. Usually I'm a little too pro status, and then I have to be like "oh no wait, I really do care, I promise!!". Having to act like you're not excited when you're texting is hard too. You know what I'm talking about, you say something like "yeah we should definitely hang out again" when really you just want to be like "HANG OUT WITH ME SO I CAN MAKE OUT WITH YOUR FACE". Then there's all of the articles in Cosmo that are trying to explain the best ways to make a dude want to date you and its all just so confusing. It really doesn't help that when I encounter a good looking person of the opposite sex, my brain decides that the best plan for success is to resort back to 13 year old Hannah. I'm so awkward its painful.

5. Sexting
I'm pretty good at writing, but I am the worst at sexting. Mostly because I think its super awkward and I don't quite see the point of it. I never know what to say, and then I just feel so stupid. Plus I think that sending naked pictures to someone is the dumbest thing in the entire world. I don't know who is going to see them besides that other person. Yeah you can try to keep them a secret, I've had so many people be like "OMG LOOK AT THIS PICTURE ________ JUST SENT ME!" And Snapchat is no different. Those pictures have to get stored somewhere, right? I don't want some rando looking at my boobs. Seriously guys, just stop sending naked pictures to people. Sorry, I got a little distracted for a second. But for real, when did sexting become a thing? I do have to say, 10 points to whomever coined the term "sexting". Absolute genius on their part. My apologies to the last poor soul who attempted to sext me, because I had to be like "yo I don't have time for your scandalous shit, I'm trying to fill out a coaches test that I forgot about".

UGH. Its just going to be me and my beta fish fo life.

Hannah gets a fish.

"Everybody that I know is getting married, and I'm thinking about getting a fish." 

I said these exact words yesterday while talking to one of my supervisors and a couple of my coworkers about the fact that we're at the age where a lot of people are getting married, and Facebook tends to be flooded with pictures of engagement rings and babies. Sometimes both, depending on the person. 

Normally I'm pretty content with not having my shit together. Its nothing new for me, I've never been a planner. But every once in a while, I really sit down and evaluate my life, and then I sort of panic. This week has been one of those times. Facebook (really, at this point you'd think I would just delete it so I could feel better about my life, but then who would I share my funny stories with???) has just been bursting at the seams with people making announcements of career and life achievements, and for some reason I freaked out. Luckily I was not alone in this, because my roommate was feeling the exact same way, so we had some fun roomie bonding of "hey let's sit on your bed and talk about how we're not doing anything with our lives". It was super fun, I'm sure you're all really jealous. The funniest part of the whole thing is that for the first time since college, both of my parents are actually really amped with my life choices. They think that Portland is just the greatest place in the whole wide world, and could not be more proud of their sweet Hannah. Seriously, my mom pretty much wrote that last bit in her birthday card. This freaks me out a lot. Are they actually proud of me, or have they just given up on all of their career aspirations for me and are just excited that I'm able to pay rent and keep myself fed??? My mom recently had to bail me out a little when I had to get two new debit cards in two weeks (soooooooo stupid), so I have not been feeling very adult like. 

Today was different. I woke up this morning and was like "I am a goddamn adult. I eat oatmeal for breakfast, I pay bills on time, I can totally be responsible for another life. Today I am going to buy a fish". Now for some people this might not be that big of a deal, but it is for me. When I was 19, I got a surge of domestic responsibility, and I went and bought a frog. I named him Reptar, and we lived happily for about a month, until he suddenly died and left me with a broken heart and a terrarium full of crickets. This was really upsetting. Then we had a string of ugly fish deaths in the Vieja (one got electrocuted, three were sort of forgotten about) and I was pretty nervous to be responsible for the life of something other than myself. But today I did it. I finally took the plunge and bought myself a pet fish. I got the fish, I got the bowl, I got the drops to make sure the chlorine in the water won't kill him, I even got him a ninja turtle figurine to make his fishbowl look extra badass. 

.......Then I got home and realized that I had forgotten to buy any fish food. 

Leonardo in all of his glory. 

A letter to my debit card

Dear debit card,

I'm sorry that you had to die an incredibly tragic death after only a week due to my stupidity and selective listening. I truly thought that we were destined for a long and happy life together, full of trips to Starbucks and other adventures of the financially inept. You were just a little nugget trying to do your best, and I let you be eaten by an ATM. I hope you know how badly my heart hurt when I heard the words "automatically destroyed". Ugh, simply writing the words brings a stab of pain. Our time together was brief, but it was true. Fourth of July was fun, and you purchased my groceries at New Seasons yesterday like the goddamn champion that you were.

Rest assured that you will not be forgotten, because "that one time that Hannah had to get two new debit cards in two weeks" will certainly go down in history as one of the dumbest things that I have ever done. I hope the universe chooses to avenge your death and the death of the card before you by making the guy in Turkey slam his shin into every coffee table he passes, not notice he is out of toilet paper until after he poops, and always be stuck next to the smelliest person on public transportation.

Goodbye, sweet friend.

Love,
Hannah

The Waypost: where everybody knows your name

The Waypost is a bar that's about a block from my house, and it is hipster to the core. Seriously, think of the most hipster place that you've ever been in your life, then multiply it by 750 and that's the Waypost. Weirdly enough, I love it. I think its because its also one of the weirdest places I've ever been. Its really tiny, and apparently the owner is from Arizona, so it looks like it would fit right in if it were in Tucson. You never know what you're going to find at this place, and here are the experiences that Paulina and I have had there so far.

"Umm...do you think they'll still serve us tea?"  
We started off on the appropriately weird note for this place. Both Paulina and I were under the impression that it was a coffee shop that was open really late, so one night we were both like "oh hey I really want some tea and a cookie but its like 10 pm, want to go check out that Waypost place?" And since we were just going to get some late night tea, we did not feel the need to dress up. Paulina was wearing leggings and a sweatshirt, and I was in sweats. We get there and SURPRISE, its a bar. Like full on crowded bar scene filled with people drinking alcoholic beverages while wearing their hipster best. Both Paulina and I just stood there so awkwardly in our pajamas trying to figure out where we had gone wrong in our lives. The bartender thought this was the funniest thing in the entire world and still made us tea. We drank our tea at a little table that had a drawer in it, and the drawer was filled with all sorts of bar doodles from the hipsters who came before us, which was pretty cool. One person wrote a really long letter that I'm pretty sure was supposed to be super profound, but their handwriting was not great. We found some pens and decided to leave our mark. I drew a dinosaur (obviously) and Paulina tried to write a love letter to her soulmate, but unfortunately her pen ran out of ink.

The poetry slam 
Another night, Paulina got super amped on us going out and doing activities, and I was not feeling it at all. Finally I agreed to grab a beer at the Waypost, on the condition that I wasn't actually going to change out of my sweats. So we go, and we walk into a full on slam poetry situation. Paulina couldn't deal, and walked out immediately laughing her ass off. I went after her and was like "no. You dragged me out of bed for this, we are having a beer". The lady kept slamming her poetry, and we tried so hard to follow but we couldn't. Apparently some of her poems were really funny, but honestly we had no idea what was happening. I don't think we're deep enough for hipster slam poetry. The bartender who served us tea was also there, and he remembered our names. Unfortunately for him, I called him Brian even though his name is Antonio.

This sums up how thrilled I was to go out that night.

Hipster friends 
Before this night, every time Paulina and I have gone to the Waypost, we have made absolutely no effort to make any new friends. We never wear anything besides workout stuff (or sweats in my case) and we usually sit in the front area and eat our nachos and drink our beer in a very anti-social manner while making fun of all the hipsters around us. We're those girls who don't talk to anyone but each other and the bartenders. One night we decided to change all of that. We made efforts to wear hipster things (I wore my thick rimmed glasses, we both wore plaid) and we went to go and see what was happening. There was a band playing, the bartender remembered our names, we got some beer, we were ready for friendship. Unfortunately, friendship wasn't ready for us. Not a single person talked to us the entire time we were there. At one point we were sitting at a table and literally every single person was on the opposite side of the room from us. This was a little bit devastating, but luckily the band started playing songs on ukeleles and that made everything better. As we were leaving, this super badass looking girl started talking to us about how she had hitchhiked her way to Portland and had been sleeping under bridges. We kept our cool while we were talking to her, but as soon as we walked away both of us were like "OH MY GOD SOMEONE ACTUALLY SPOKE TO US!!!!!!!!!" It was a big moment, because apparently Paulina and I are 13.

Brunch 
The Waypost serves brunch on the weekends, and it has saved our lives a time or two (or a lot) when we've either gone out the night before or are just too lazy/haven't bought groceries and don't want to make breakfast. Most of the time its pretty standard: we wake up a tad hungover/Paulina drags me out of bed around 10:30, Paulina puts on real clothes, I stay in whatever I happen to be wearing, we drag ourselves the block and a half down the street and then sit down to a delicious breakfast. I broke the routine a little bit after the Pants off/Dance off party (see previous blog post if you don't know what I'm talking about) when I woke up more hungover than I have been in a good long minute. It was one of those hangovers where you have to lay in bed for a couple of hours regretting all of your previous life choices while trying to evolve into an actual human being. I kind of thought I was dead, but I finally managed to stumble down the street around 2:30 pm (brunch is served until 3 pm) because I figured that eating something would make me feel better. I was wrong. I ordered my food and sat down, and everything was just too much to deal with. The walls were too bright, the music was too loud, I was too hot, and I took exactly one bite of my breakfast and was like I am going to vomit. I went back to the bar and had to explain to the bartender that I had greatly underestimated the dire situation of my hangover and that I needed a to-go box at that exact moment because I really wasn't going to make it. She laughed at me and got me the box, and I made it home.

In case you couldn't tell, if you come to visit we will go to the Waypost more than once. Its magical.

Naked Portland

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Oh hello friends! Blogging once a month is how you become internet famous, right? Anywho, tomorrow I will have lived in Portland for two months (!!!) and I have to say, this city has welcomed me with an unusual amount of nudity. That probably sounds pretty weird, so let me explain. 

STRIPPEROKE 

When I first heard of stripperoke, I didn't believe that it actually existed. If you know me, you know that I really like both strip clubs and singing karaoke, so the idea that I could sing karaoke at a strip club was really just too good to be true. But it exists, and it is fabulous.  I really just can't stress enough how much I love it. It is held every Sunday night at a strip club in town called Devil's Point, and you sing karaoke on a stage while a girl shakes her boobies and does lots of acrobatic things on a pole to your sweet jams. The first time I went, I had no idea what I was getting into. First of all, Devil's Point looks sketchy as fuck. Its basically the dive bar of the strip club world. I'll be honest, I went in thinking the strippers were going to be the girls who clearly have some serious daddy issues and minor meth addictions, but I could not have been more wrong. These girls are the most athletic strippers that I have ever seen. I want to work out with them because their bodies are fierce. The girl who performed while I was singing was defying some serious lays of both gravity and physics with the things that she was doing. Oh, did I not mention that I sang?? I stood up on a stage in front of a large crowd of people and sang "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" by The Darkness while a topless girl danced around and did flips and shit.  Just let that mental picture sink in for a minute, because it was just as funny as it sounds. My favorite stripper (I've gone more than once) has the funniest signature move that I have ever seen. She does kind of a weird handstand on the lap of a guy sitting by the stage, so her ass is in his face. Then she shakes around for a minute before slamming her ass back into the poor guy's face really hard. I have a friend who got a bloody nose from this move. Yeah that's right, this girl's ass is so firm that she can give dudes a bloody nose. I saw her do it to another guy, and he was like "I think I just got my nose broken by a butt hole". SO FUNNY. 

Oh! Speaking of the second time that I went to stripperoke, I went with a guy who I knew in high school that I hadn't seen in about 6 years and was randomly in Portland for a night with some of his friends on their way to Seattle. One of his friends sang "Let's Get It On" and it was freaking magical. So basically I'm the best person to visit, because I'll take you to go and sing karaoke with naked girls. 

THE NAKED BIKE RIDE / PANTS OFF DANCE OFF

Portland does this thing every year called The World Naked Bike Ride, and its exactly what it sounds like. Thousands (no joke) of people ride their bikes through the streets naked (or as naked as you want. Their motto is "go as bare as you dare") as a protest against the over-use of crude oil and exposing the vulnerability of cyclists. Fun fact, the reason that they are ale to do this is because naked protesting is a form of free speech, so as long as you're protesting, you can just let your bits fly free with no fear of getting arrested for public indecency. The ride was last night, and good lord, it was a sight to be seen. I was not an active participant (mostly because I don't own a bicycle) but I was able to catch a little bit of it. My plan was to cruise downtown and see some of the ride, then cruise back to my house to get ready for a party my friend was throwing after the ride, but I ended up not having to go because as I was walking to the bus stop a full on fleet of naked cyclists zoomed by me and I decided that was enough of the ride for me, so I went to a bar by my house and ate some nachos to recover from the surprise amount of dong that I had just witnessed. Then I met up with one of my homegirls, and after a small(ish) amount of pre-gaming, we headed over to my friend's party. The party was called "Pants Off, Dance Off" and I tell you what. I wore a tutu and a bandeau and was significantly overdressed. 

Ah Portland, I like you for your weirdness and your awkward amounts of nudity.